What is the best way to make friends with an Aspie?

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Another thought about the "emotional whiplash."

I had a boyfriend when I was about 14 that was a super, super sweet guy. (And, Oh boy, I bet I'll get it now, people saying I can't possibly be on the spectrum because of this fact. UGH.) Never mind that I actually had a meltdown over the phone WITH HIS MOTHER and she let me see him even though he was sick because she thought I was going to commit suicide if I didn't get to see him. I digress...

Anyways, I liked getting to know him and would have liked to take it slow. I didn't really want to be "known" as bf/gf for a while because I wanted to ease into it. But the next thing I knew, EVERYONE knew we were "together." He heaped on the attention. A TON. Even though he didn't go to my school, his older brother did. So, when we would have things like "candygrams" delivered to various students on days like Valentine's Day, all of a sudden I had someone delivering candy and a rose to my desk in the middle of class. I WAS MORTIFIED. I did not like the attention AT ALL. It was the worst feeling in the world.

What girl doesn't like getting cute notes, candy, and roses from a special boy? THIS ONE.

I also felt like it blew my "cover." I was aloof, nerdy, not exactly unattractive but in no way dressed to bring attention to myself not even wearing makeup, quiet, shy, etc. The last thing I wanted was everyone asking me "Who's the boy???" I wanted our relationship to be private and something I would only talk about with those closest to me (ie. my family) until I was ready to let the rest of the world in on my secret.

But, I couldn't contain what was happening. I was completely overwhelmed and I broke it off. I broke up with probably the *sweetest and most romantic* guy I ever dated (just too sweet and romantic for me, believe it or not.) He was the perfect guy for someone else. We went out on one or two dates and were "a couple" for a month or 6 weeks. I ended it before it even really got started.

I am still this way. New relationships I want "hidden" for a while, I guess until they are established. Then they can become "public." I don't want to appear to be playing favorites. I don't want to appear to have an intimate connection with someone that I don't have. Etc.

LOL...if you go to Love and Dating, you'll realize that people on the Spectrum frequently experience love and pain as acutely as the most NT of NT's.

I think I better make another caveat. Earlier, I mentioned that I have not broken any relationships, boyfriends excepted. The boy above was neither looking for sex nor did he turn out to be a child-molesting creep. I had forgotten about him and one other boyfriend when I made the first comment.

Sounds like he was a nice kid--and that, at 14, you weren't ready for that kind of romance. That's actually quite "normal." I think most 14-year-olds would have been embarrassed about receiving candy at her desk in front of a bunch of gigging students. Girls at that age don't like to be the center of attention, and the subject of teasing.

Oh, plenty of people enjoyed the attention when they got candy and flowers! I was most definitely more a "wallflower" than most.

I didn't want to "answer" to people about it because it was so out of character for this to be happening to ME.

Lots of girls I knew had boyfriends at that point, some two years earlier. We did grow up in different times, Kraftie.

Could be

No, she never invited me out again (except for that one time the following week).

Yes she always talks to me at school; smiles, says hello, asks how my day is going etc. Her room is directly across from mine so we see each other 24/7.

She seems to genuinely care though, which is what throws me off. Yes she does seem to talk to me more than most people BUT that is not saying much because she always keeps it so professional. She doesn't talk to anyone unless it is about a work related issue, so yes for her to even seem remotely interested in me is a good sign. I did think of that.

Another woman I met down the hall stated she was good friends with her. She mentioned she has been more standoffish since she became a Dean and said something to that effect (not being able to be friends with the teachers). But if that were an issue, why did she invite me out in the first place?

She has very poor judgement, which is part of the reason being a Dean is so overwhelming for her. Plus you never know what to expect which could throw anyone into a whirlwind. So work is just outright exhausting for her.

One time she was a little short with me, and I think she could tell I was put off by my reaction. She tried to ease things over but I just sort of walked away; but tried to remained professional. I could tell she felt badly. I later emailed her and stated I was ok; just a little sensitive. The next day she came into my room and apologized. Very few people (if any) have ever done that before especially not in a professional setting. She said she is just very overwhelmed and is taking it out on the wrong people. That's what makes me believe she truly cares. She then opened up to me about a bunch of other stuff going on in her life. More details than the average person would share....that's why I was thinking AS because I was thinking that maybe she just doesn't know that you shouldn't share certain information with people (she can be too trusting I think). But then I was talking to someone else at work who knows her pretty well that I kind of confided in (not in a gossipy way) and I said "unless she does that with everyone" and he said, "No she doesn't."

As far as "secrets" are concerned.......I think drinking is a huge issue for her. Just bc of what I witnessed and stories she has told me and things she has shared.

She doesn't date at all, but does talk about guys. One time she said she went out for dinner with a guy and he when she went to get up he tapped her on the a$$. She then said...."so that was the end of that...." So she probably has some fear of physical contact and perhaps some emotional issues going on; hence the drinking.

The thing that throws me off the most is the fact that she invited me out and seemed to want to be friends, but once I showed interest backed away. Just wondering what to do to show I do care, while protecting myself at the same time. Would talking to her about it help or only make things worse (not about drinking or AS).

More recently I mentioned how a few of us went out after work. I wasn't even thinking, but we never invited her. It wasn't personal just impromptu and she has to work til 4:00 anyway. Not sure of that made her feel bad, but I don't want to keep inviting her to things if she is only going to say no anyway. Not sure how to handle it without opening myself up to getting hurt.

Thanks SO much for the input. I am probably overanalyzing things.

Thanks so much for your input. The question was directed towards anyone who wanted to chime in. I can use all the feedback I can get. Re: the Dean not wanting to interact with a teacher someone else did mention that she was a little more standoffish since she became the Dean, but if that were the case why would she invite me out to begin with?

The kids love her. I teach in the inner city so the kids aren;t afraid of anyone. One kid told the Asst VP to go f*** himself so there you have it!! !! lol........welcome to my world ha! ha!

From an Aspie POV is it easier to invite someone else out or have them invite you out?