17 Dec 2008, 8:37 am
Shiggily wrote:
AnnePande wrote:
A question:
Is it common in the US or wherever you guys are from, to ask about hobbies, sparetime, what people do for fun etc. as smalltalk questions?
In Denmark it's usually just about what you do for a living, or studying. I wish people would begin to ask about spare time, hobbies and other things instead. Or just sometimes. It's boring always to get the same row of questions about the same thing. Especially if eg. 3 people ask you the same questions about the same thing short time after each other. The third time I'll usually go almost mute and just think: "oh no, not again, but how do I say it in a nice way, or, hmm....."
Is it common in the US or wherever you guys are from, to ask about hobbies, sparetime, what people do for fun etc. as smalltalk questions?
In Denmark it's usually just about what you do for a living, or studying. I wish people would begin to ask about spare time, hobbies and other things instead. Or just sometimes. It's boring always to get the same row of questions about the same thing. Especially if eg. 3 people ask you the same questions about the same thing short time after each other. The third time I'll usually go almost mute and just think: "oh no, not again, but how do I say it in a nice way, or, hmm....."
I think sometimes if its someone you have never met. or you want to get to know, you ask them what they are interested in. Which for me (math and physics) is a conversation killer. So I say sewing (which I haven't done in 2-3 years) or photography.
Well, that can happen here too. But I have only experienced it rarely. And it's not the first question you get. Most often, the first question - or one of the first - is, what are you doing. Asked by people you don't know (people you know will usually know what you are doing).
But also people I know maybe often ask me how the studies go as some of the first. It's kind of natural if you are at the university or so, but also people in other connections, where I think they almost use the question similar to "how are you". Then I would prefer "how are you", because there are other things in life than studies, you know - and what if my studies were fine, but the rest of my life sucked?
17 Dec 2008, 10:41 am
Shiggily wrote:
well I just don't know what to do when the conversation deviates from the norm. Like this one guy was walking buy me and he said "Hey I saw you at the gas station yesterday" and the only thing I could think of to say was "hi how are you?"
To me, to come out with that is an absolutely bizarre thing for him to have done. So he's happened to see somebody again who he recalls seeing at a gas station the previous day. So what? It's quite likely that you will come across people more than once (and the smaller the town you live in, the more likely it is to happen). If you have no idea who the other person is and have never had anything to do with them other than that you happened to see them somewhere else once before, why would you mention it - why would you even approach them?
I actually had a very similar experience to this. A woman walked up to me in town and started talking to me like I was her friend. When it seemed to become obvious to her I had no idea who she was or why she was speaking to me, she informed me, "We get on the bus at the same stop!" Do we..?
17 Dec 2008, 1:56 pm
17 Dec 2008, 9:04 pm
29 May 2011, 12:54 pm
Lukifer wrote:
I've always sucked at small talk. If you don't have anything to say, why open your mouth at all? But it helps to get by in the world nonetheless. I'd like to share some tricks I've learned:
People are fundamentally vain. Ask them random questions about themselves. Where you do live? Do you like it there? What do you do for a living? What did you do last weekend? You don't have to actually be interested, just to feign interest. Most people love to talk about themselves; they're just waiting for someone to give them opportunity or permission.
Words matter less than you think. Timothy Leary said, "90% of human communication is: 'I'm still here. Are you still there?'". Most folks are dancing a ritual dance where words are ancillary; the other person simply wants you to acknowledge their existence with eye contact and other clues that you're paying attention to them. This may not help you on what to say, but it relieves some of the pressure to come up with something significant or clever.
Smile. It seems stupid, but it makes all the difference. Bonus points for smiling not just with your mouth, but your whole face. Humans are natural mimics: if you smile, they will tend to smile too. Your tone of voice also tends to change while you're smiling, and people will pick up on it. Practice in the mirror if you need to (I certainly have).
Engage their interests, or find common ground. There are also no hard and fast rules which demand you talk about the weather or the local sports team. Ask a few small-talk-y questions to get an idea of what they're into ("What do you do for a living?", "What do you do for fun?", "See any good movies lately?"), and then probe for details, especially if it's something you can relate to. As soon as you can fixate on a topic which you are both interested in, uncomfortable small talk ends and a real conversation with actual ideas begins.
It helps to have an "out". Even among regular folks, small talk doesn't always go very well. Having a pre-planned escape route out of awkward moments makes it easier to take the plunge in the first place. Cell phones are tops for this: In mid-sentence, stop abruptly as if the vibrate function is going off. Take it out of your pocket, glance at it, and say "I'm sorry, I really have to take this. Excuse me, please." Glancing at your watch and pretending to have to be someplace is also an oldie but a goodie.
Just say "hi". If you're approaching a stranger, it's actually perfectly acceptable to just walk up to somebody and say, "Hi, I'm _____. What's your name?", possibly following up with other random probing questions. It seems bizarre, but this is really very normal behavior, and almost nobody will think you odd for it.
Everybody's lying (at least a little bit), and everybody's insecure. Most people are too busy worrying about how they look to you, and whether you see through their mask or not, to probe very deeply into you. You'll feel like you're under a microscope, but you're usually not. Let the other party know that you're okay with them, and almost by reflex, they'll be okay with you.
Loving this site, I wish I'd known about years ago.
People are fundamentally vain. Ask them random questions about themselves. Where you do live? Do you like it there? What do you do for a living? What did you do last weekend? You don't have to actually be interested, just to feign interest. Most people love to talk about themselves; they're just waiting for someone to give them opportunity or permission.
Words matter less than you think. Timothy Leary said, "90% of human communication is: 'I'm still here. Are you still there?'". Most folks are dancing a ritual dance where words are ancillary; the other person simply wants you to acknowledge their existence with eye contact and other clues that you're paying attention to them. This may not help you on what to say, but it relieves some of the pressure to come up with something significant or clever.
Smile. It seems stupid, but it makes all the difference. Bonus points for smiling not just with your mouth, but your whole face. Humans are natural mimics: if you smile, they will tend to smile too. Your tone of voice also tends to change while you're smiling, and people will pick up on it. Practice in the mirror if you need to (I certainly have).
Engage their interests, or find common ground. There are also no hard and fast rules which demand you talk about the weather or the local sports team. Ask a few small-talk-y questions to get an idea of what they're into ("What do you do for a living?", "What do you do for fun?", "See any good movies lately?"), and then probe for details, especially if it's something you can relate to. As soon as you can fixate on a topic which you are both interested in, uncomfortable small talk ends and a real conversation with actual ideas begins.
It helps to have an "out". Even among regular folks, small talk doesn't always go very well. Having a pre-planned escape route out of awkward moments makes it easier to take the plunge in the first place. Cell phones are tops for this: In mid-sentence, stop abruptly as if the vibrate function is going off. Take it out of your pocket, glance at it, and say "I'm sorry, I really have to take this. Excuse me, please." Glancing at your watch and pretending to have to be someplace is also an oldie but a goodie.
Just say "hi". If you're approaching a stranger, it's actually perfectly acceptable to just walk up to somebody and say, "Hi, I'm _____. What's your name?", possibly following up with other random probing questions. It seems bizarre, but this is really very normal behavior, and almost nobody will think you odd for it.
Everybody's lying (at least a little bit), and everybody's insecure. Most people are too busy worrying about how they look to you, and whether you see through their mask or not, to probe very deeply into you. You'll feel like you're under a microscope, but you're usually not. Let the other party know that you're okay with them, and almost by reflex, they'll be okay with you.
Loving this site, I wish I'd known about years ago.
This all seems to make sense in theory and i must say i do use some of these but here is the problems i have encountered
when asking them about themselves and asking more questions to find out their story, they tend to leave the conversation unsatisfied as if they would of preferred not to go that deep and to have more small talk... though while they talk about them selfs they love it, then i dont know i guess they bore themselves lol
as for smiling, i find tat smiling and laughing are great however dont give them out to easily, this is a mistake i make, always smiling and laughing at jokes that aren't funny, actually i tend to laugh more at the jokes that aren't funny to make them feel comfortable, this makes you seem unsenceer better to give your smiles and laughs as rewards to them.
as for it not being about the words being said, i find it very hard to believe but who knows
as for approaching strangers, I dont think its normal, no one ever comes up to me and starts talking to be out of the blue, but i have noticed that this depends on the city you live in, i know in Ontario people just come up to me and start talking
But one thing i am intrested in is finding a better way to deal with people or even a new way, not every one in the world is a happy go lucky nice to meet you kind of person, some are jerks some are stand offish some play hard to get ect. Isnt there another way to relate to these people then trying to learn their own game, i think it would be easyer to be more like another personality. any thoughts?
Are we all trying to duplicate the happy go lucky guy ?
any one try something different?
29 May 2011, 1:05 pm
29 May 2011, 1:07 pm
29 May 2011, 1:18 pm
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 35,278
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
29 May 2011, 2:12 pm
29 May 2011, 8:38 pm
30 May 2011, 1:28 am
Lukifer wrote:
I've always sucked at small talk. If you don't have anything to say, why open your mouth at all? But it helps to get by in the world nonetheless. I'd like to share some tricks I've learned:
People are fundamentally vain. Ask them random questions about themselves. Where you do live? Do you like it there? What do you do for a living? What did you do last weekend? You don't have to actually be interested, just to feign interest. Most people love to talk about themselves; they're just waiting for someone to give them opportunity or permission.
Words matter less than you think. Timothy Leary said, "90% of human communication is: 'I'm still here. Are you still there?'". Most folks are dancing a ritual dance where words are ancillary; the other person simply wants you to acknowledge their existence with eye contact and other clues that you're paying attention to them. This may not help you on what to say, but it relieves some of the pressure to come up with something significant or clever.
Smile. It seems stupid, but it makes all the difference. Bonus points for smiling not just with your mouth, but your whole face. Humans are natural mimics: if you smile, they will tend to smile too. Your tone of voice also tends to change while you're smiling, and people will pick up on it. Practice in the mirror if you need to (I certainly have).
Engage their interests, or find common ground. There are also no hard and fast rules which demand you talk about the weather or the local sports team. Ask a few small-talk-y questions to get an idea of what they're into ("What do you do for a living?", "What do you do for fun?", "See any good movies lately?"), and then probe for details, especially if it's something you can relate to. As soon as you can fixate on a topic which you are both interested in, uncomfortable small talk ends and a real conversation with actual ideas begins.
It helps to have an "out". Even among regular folks, small talk doesn't always go very well. Having a pre-planned escape route out of awkward moments makes it easier to take the plunge in the first place. Cell phones are tops for this: In mid-sentence, stop abruptly as if the vibrate function is going off. Take it out of your pocket, glance at it, and say "I'm sorry, I really have to take this. Excuse me, please." Glancing at your watch and pretending to have to be someplace is also an oldie but a goodie.
Just say "hi". If you're approaching a stranger, it's actually perfectly acceptable to just walk up to somebody and say, "Hi, I'm _____. What's your name?", possibly following up with other random probing questions. It seems bizarre, but this is really very normal behavior, and almost nobody will think you odd for it.
Everybody's lying (at least a little bit), and everybody's insecure. Most people are too busy worrying about how they look to you, and whether you see through their mask or not, to probe very deeply into you. You'll feel like you're under a microscope, but you're usually not. Let the other party know that you're okay with them, and almost by reflex, they'll be okay with you.
Loving this site, I wish I'd known about years ago.
People are fundamentally vain. Ask them random questions about themselves. Where you do live? Do you like it there? What do you do for a living? What did you do last weekend? You don't have to actually be interested, just to feign interest. Most people love to talk about themselves; they're just waiting for someone to give them opportunity or permission.
Words matter less than you think. Timothy Leary said, "90% of human communication is: 'I'm still here. Are you still there?'". Most folks are dancing a ritual dance where words are ancillary; the other person simply wants you to acknowledge their existence with eye contact and other clues that you're paying attention to them. This may not help you on what to say, but it relieves some of the pressure to come up with something significant or clever.
Smile. It seems stupid, but it makes all the difference. Bonus points for smiling not just with your mouth, but your whole face. Humans are natural mimics: if you smile, they will tend to smile too. Your tone of voice also tends to change while you're smiling, and people will pick up on it. Practice in the mirror if you need to (I certainly have).
Engage their interests, or find common ground. There are also no hard and fast rules which demand you talk about the weather or the local sports team. Ask a few small-talk-y questions to get an idea of what they're into ("What do you do for a living?", "What do you do for fun?", "See any good movies lately?"), and then probe for details, especially if it's something you can relate to. As soon as you can fixate on a topic which you are both interested in, uncomfortable small talk ends and a real conversation with actual ideas begins.
It helps to have an "out". Even among regular folks, small talk doesn't always go very well. Having a pre-planned escape route out of awkward moments makes it easier to take the plunge in the first place. Cell phones are tops for this: In mid-sentence, stop abruptly as if the vibrate function is going off. Take it out of your pocket, glance at it, and say "I'm sorry, I really have to take this. Excuse me, please." Glancing at your watch and pretending to have to be someplace is also an oldie but a goodie.
Just say "hi". If you're approaching a stranger, it's actually perfectly acceptable to just walk up to somebody and say, "Hi, I'm _____. What's your name?", possibly following up with other random probing questions. It seems bizarre, but this is really very normal behavior, and almost nobody will think you odd for it.
Everybody's lying (at least a little bit), and everybody's insecure. Most people are too busy worrying about how they look to you, and whether you see through their mask or not, to probe very deeply into you. You'll feel like you're under a microscope, but you're usually not. Let the other party know that you're okay with them, and almost by reflex, they'll be okay with you.
Loving this site, I wish I'd known about years ago.
Oh crap, I wish I read this Friday morning. Girl from my class offered to walk me to the station cous I didn't know the way (we went to a museum with the class). She talked and I talked but afterwards I realised I never really played into her questions (such as; she asked what I wanted to do later in life, and I didn't ask the same back). Didn't occur to ask at the time
I hope it's not too late..
Awesome thread btw
30 May 2011, 2:10 am
30 May 2011, 4:45 pm
30 May 2011, 9:04 pm
31 May 2011, 3:31 am
01 Jun 2011, 2:02 pm
