How do I let people know I like them?

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If I like someone, how can I let them know it? I don't usually find someone that I want to spend time with, but when I do it is extremely difficult for me to get things going. I try to remember things like eye contact and smiling when I see them, but if I'm surprised I will not do them, and generally these chance encounters are how people begin to establish a friendship. My lack of spontaneous... whatever... causes them to conclude that I am not interested in them, or just makes them uncomfortable enough that they focus on other people instead. My post-high school experience is that people in general respond well to being appreciated, but when I appear to be giving mix signals that message doesn't get across.

I think part of the issue is that I'm picky enough that I don't just want to go with whoever, so I don't go with the most convenient person. I may be regularly in contact with X without trying to be due to our goals and schedules, but if I'm interested in Y and not X then I'm not going to spend time with X instead of Y. I'd rather be alone than be with someone I didn't want to be with. Actually, I'm not unhappy by myself, but I would be able to enjoy another person's company outside of organized activities in some situations. Of course another issue is that I don't like being in groups of people and again would rather be alone, and my understanding is that group outings are the norm for new contacts.

If I knew what to do I would do it for this person...

Easy, tell them. Next question.

If it was "easy" I wouldn't have made this topic, and I wouldn't have spent years trying to figure out how to do this. I try to let people know I like them, and they come off with the opposite idea. Do you not see how frustrating that is? I used to be a lot more forward with people than I am now, and they started refusing to speak to me. At least now they don't mind me.

It's kind of insulting that you don't think I'm trying and want to brush this off.

i think you're overcomplicating the issue not for a lack of trying

I think shared interests can be useful, but it does often start with groups. If the person you like is planning to attend, for example, the Picasso exhibition, and you are also interested in Picasso, you can suggest going together or meeting up there. While there, you can talk about Picasso and hopefully find common ground to build a friendship.

If this is more of a romantic thing, suggesting that the two of you go for a coffee after work or on the weekend seems to be the social norm. I haven't dated in a long time, nor was I ever very good at it, but that's what the single folks at work say.

The idea is that it is an informal setting, with no specific time requirement. If you go out for dinner and things get awkward, you could be stuck for a while (especially if the service is slow). If it's just a coffee, either person can say "Oh no, I think I left something in the oven!" or whatever, then leave. Or if things are going well, you can hang around the coffee house for an hour or two.

I don't know if these are the kind of suggestions you are looking for. Hope it helps.

JSB

I'm just responding to my experiences with other people. If just doing what made sense to me had worked in the past then I wouldn't be thinking about it now. Instead I consistently had horrible interactions with people for a number of years and have been managing to get away with that THROUGH broadening my understanding.


If someone reading this has no idea what I'm talking about, then you have never had this problem and are not in a position to offer a solution. And if I have to spend my whole time here defending myself there's not really any point...



I don't like groups, though, at least outside of organized effort. I'd rather be by myself than in a group. I also think I'm not interested in dating in general, so that's not my motivation here. If it's necessary for me to start doing things with groups of people or date them then I guess I'm SOL, as they say.

My interests really don't involve other people, so again if shared interests is a necessity then I'm SOL again. But I don't think it is. If I like someone, I like the person. They're not a tool to accomplish some specific activity, so I'm down for anything that's not objectionable as long as I get to be with that person.



Not really what I'm looking for. People won't want to do anything with me if I seem like I don't like them, even if I suggest something (and I CAN come up with ideas if I think about it beforehand). On the other hand, if I seem like I like them and I'm interested in them, they may very well suggest something themselves, making this part irrelevant.

What I don't understand is how to make people realize that. Other people don't say "I quite enjoy your company and would like to spend more time with you." My understanding is that they would actually not like it if someone said that. But if they enjoy someone's company and want to spend more time with them, there is some kind of shared understanding that both people act upon.

When the conversation ends, ask for their e-mail address or other form of contact information. Then, you can send them an e-mail either about a mutual interest or about anything relevant to the conversation you'd had.

Actually it is, peopel just add needless complexities to things, instead of being direct.

The worst thing they can say is no or you are not my type? Anyway nothing ventured nothing gained. But having a secret crush is a good thing. It can be really embarrassing admitting it. Fantasy is often better than reality.

I'm not trying to date her

I'm actually not sure that I've ever had a "crush" on someone. But I do enjoy talking to some people.

Thanks for clarifying. You're right that people don't express themselves so openly, and a lot would find it odd for someone else to do so.

But I think you can express the same thing more subtly, by asking someone about their weekend, or topics that you know they are interested in (movies, sports, whatever). This may seem banal or trivial (ok, maybe it *is* banal or trivial), but I think it's the accepted way of getting acquainted. Also, it shouldn't be all about the other person. People like to talk about themselves, but they probably want to hear what you think as well.

JSB

I am in an exactly parallel situation to you at the moment. If you can develop a good enough rapport with this person, I would simply tell them something along the lines of "Don't take me to be being rude if i'm sometimes quiet, i'm just like that". If you can fit this into conversation in a suitably casual way it serves both to excuse yourself for those times when you're surprised and aren't expecting to interact with someone, and to imply that you care how they conceive you. Also, try to keep potential topics of conversation pertaining to the person in question in your head, so that even if, again, you're caught off your guard, you can still manifest an interest in the person.
As you say, I think the biggest problem for AS people is these 'chance encounters'. I'd be lying if I said I had any special tips for dealing with them, but I do think that it's the case that the more you do it, the better you get. Good luck, anyway.