How is this whole roomates thing supposed to work?

Post Reply New Topic

Yea, um, I don't get it.
Granted, I haven't seen much of them yet, so maybe they'll be nice.. but I also only just found out that they're not going to be paying rent for this month. We originally thought they were moving in the beginning of Dec, but then that changed to moving in today. The one who was here to check the place out said at the time that if they were moving in the beginning of Dec, she'd have no problem being able to pay the first month up front. Now, it seems, somehow that's been maneuvered so that they've moved in on the 17th and somehow get the first two weeks free. Seems they think we're rich and don't need the money. It probably means that they'll try to weasel out of more later. Almost every time Kris gets roommates, they end up not paying rent-- and when I saw his correspondence with them, I understood why. He practically gave them permission to walk all over him. And now that his bank has randomly upped the interest on the credit card he's been working on paying down from 7% to 17%, money is going to be even tighter.

Also, much of the whole business of having roommates doesn't matter to Kris because he works during the day and is generally oblivious to anybody around him all the time, so for him, there's less of a downside. That's not my situation. I'm on disability, I'm home most of the time, and I'm sensitive to having people around.. it makes me massively uncomfortable. I feel like I've lost the house.

Apparently when you put up an ad on roommates.com, people figure you're doing it for you're health.. because obviously, people who don't need money are going to randomly rent out rooms in their homes to strangers..

Are these the people you had a creepy feeling about before?

Sounds like it is time to turn the assumption game around; just hand them a bill for the prorated portion of December's rent. You can be kind and allow them until the end of January to pay it, if you're feeling generous - but you are not obligated to allow them to live rent-free under your roof. If there is no contract, then you can ask them to leave immediately. Don't let them walk over you... doesn't mean you have to be combative or aggressive, just assert yourself and leave the hysterics to them.


M.

No, they're different people.

And Kris has already told them that they don't have to pay rent for December.

Also, they only just moved in, and I think went right to sleep, we haven't really seen or heard from them, they disappeared into their room. I certainly don't want to start any animosity.. I want it to be as pleasant as possible, I'm the one who has to deal with people most of the time. Kris just doesn't notice most things.
He's so intelligent, and he's an engineer so in most of his live nobody can complain about him because he can do things that nobody else can do.. so he has the luxury of not having to care what people think. He doesn't care if people like him, because even if they don't, they need him.. he's not bothered by what people think or feel. I guess he's kinda above having to care what people think. He knows he's good at things, he knows he can do things with radar and computers and all that nobody else can possibly do, so it doesn't matter what anybody thinks. I do care, because I am at the mercy of what people think. That's why having people around is so stressful for me. When I'm oblivious to people disliking me, they step it up.

Kris just seems to give this degree of latitude that makes anybody who doesn't have a guilt complex as severe as mine feel perfectly fine taking advantage of him. When she said they were moving in in December but not at the beginning, she just asked if they had to pay right away or if they could just start in January and he just isn't able to say no to stuff like that. So then it gives off the impression that he has money, and otherwise decent people don't feel guilty about taking advantage of him because they figure he must not need the money.

I mean.. I don't know.. these girls could be fine. They could be nice and everything and I don't want to do anything that will make it turn bad.. but it just makes me so nervous having more people around, and bugs the heck out of me that I have to deal with two strangers in the house throughout the holidays and everything... and they're not even paying rent for that time because Kris just can't say "no" when someone asks if they can just not bother paying rent. Maybe they'll be honest and will pay rent all the rest of the months.. but Kris has a history of letting people just walk all over him. I pointed out to him how his correspondence came off, and he hadn't even realized it.. I felt kinda bitchy about it, like I was telling him off, but.. Like I said, he doesn't think about what people think, so things like that never occur to him. Not that I'm able to say no either.. but I may be a bit better at it when it's written rather than having to come up with something immediate and verbal, and I've studied so much psychology, that I can at least analyze things like that. I've spent so many years obsessing over why people think and do what people think and do.. I'm still not any good at it in practice..

Okay, and now I'm not even sure where I'm going with any of this. There's nothing we can do now, he already told them that they don't have to pay rent for December.

Get him to practice saying, "Let me think about it"
when someone makes an outrageous request.
And in the future, when he starts to say "yes" too quickly,
give him a special look or word or gesture to remind him.

Also, changing your mind is acceptable, especially if it's done quickly.
A contract is only a contract when you both give something.
A "gratuitous promise" is not binding, legally, morally or otherwise.

My husband was like that. Basically, we agreed that I deal with the money. He'd have given it all away otherwise, just being "nice" to people, and not caring about interest on debts. On top of that, he'd then complain about not having enough money to buy the latest gadgets. He'd then buy them, and then not even open the box sometimes.

So we agreed - I do ALL the negotiating about money with suppliers/buyers, and he'd moderate the gadget buying.

Kris isn't generally that bad with money... His ex was, and got them into all kinds of debt, and he was "nice" enough to get her out of it.. and now after the divorce, he's stuck with most of it (multiple home refinances to cover her credit card bills.. and now he's got the house that's worth way less than what he owes.)
But he does almost all of his gadget-buying on ebay, and is ridiculously proud of being a fantastic ebayer who gets everything at a tiny fraction of what it's wroth.
It's the "nice" that can be a problem.
Also, I think it's kinda the general image.. Middle-aged guy with younger girlfriend, girl doesn't work (since I'm on disability..) They see the big house in a nice neighborhood and assume that he has money, without taking into account the enormous mortgage (due largely to his ex's debts) plus a huge amount of child support, still not able to fix the siding or pay a lawyer to go after his ex's fraud to repair his credit. (He cosigned on a medical line of credit for the kids' dental bills. He paid off his side. She charged more than $4000 worth of veterinary bills and didn't pay any of it.) Plus having multiple computers good computers (mostly built from deeply discounted parts found on ebay..) And since the house is worth so much less than he owes, it's not like we could move to a more affordable place. So people assume that he's got money.

These particular roommates probably are particularly crunched for money themselves.. I know the one girl is having serious car problems that are costing a fortune.

And from what I can tell, they are really nice.. but I also haven't seen much of them, while quietness is certainly a good thing to me, since people tend to take it as offensive when I'm quiet, I have to wonder if quietness coming from a normal person actually is offensive. That sounds kinda stupid, I guess..
It's really not anything against these particular roommates, just the entire nervousness of all of it, combined with how I just don't really know how I'm supposed to relate to them. I don't want to ignore anybody, unless of course they want to be ignored, but don't know how to tell, and don't generally know what to say to anybody anyway, which means I guess I kinda end up ignoring people either way, which can be seen as offensive.. and I don't really know what to do about that.
What is a "normal" roommate dynamic?
The most successful roommates I personally ever had actually didn't pay rent.. but they weren't supposed to. (In that situation, my ex's mother (at the time, I was still with him, of course) had given us a house because she thought it was haunted and didn't want to live there, and when a friend and her boyfriend got kicked out of her sister's house, we invited them to move in with us. That wasn't weird because for one, she was someone I was pretty comfortable with, and we offered to help them get back on their feet, and her boyfriend cleaned obsessively and helped with electric in the winter when the bills got high..)

The point being.. I don't quite know how "roommates" is supposed to work.. I have no idea how to be friendly without being too friendly, or without my head exploding... don't know when I'm supposed to offer help or anything, or when to leave people alone.. don't know anything about them, really, so I don't know what's likely to offend. Talkative people get offended by people who don't talk, but quiet people usually prefer that others don't talk.. It just makes me so nervous!

Stop people pleasing. You're the lady of the house - your rules, you have the final word.
What do you want? Them not to bother you too much? Then just friendly smiles as you encounter each other, and then go on to do whatever you're doing.

You should watch a film called Pacific Heights. That should cheer you up .

The whole room mate thing doesn't work. I would rather have a closet sized apartment to myself than room with someone else.

Okay, okay, part of your problem is not knowing how to confront them, right? This is not exactly the same situation, but I am a college student, and I have some issues with the person I am rooming with. I hardly ever see him because I am not often in the room, so when I do, I don't want to criticize him, but he was doing some "things" that weren't okay. Eventually, I just forced myself to state the problems matter of factly, how I wanted him to act instead, and then added that the part about how I didn't want the one time I saw him to be criticizing him. This, paired with my obvious nervousness in confronting him, caused him to agree to go along with what I was asking, and I have not had these problems with him again so far.

With another person, of course I could have had a completely different reaction. But if you make it clear that you are just trying to address certain behavior (say, not getting the money on time) and that you aren't trying to challenge him or her as a person, I think you're more likely to get better results. And if you get WORSE results because they realize they can take advantage of you, they are probably not someone you want with you.

I have this problem too. I tried to be friendly, but it's still gotten to the point where he won't say anything to me when I come into the room, and so of course I don't usually either. That wouldn't bother me at all, but he IS nuerotypical, right? So something must be up from his perspective.

I don't have a solution to this or the nervousness. I do try to be helpful and accommodating as best I can, so I hope that's noticeable.

I don't know if any of this is helpful or not, but hopefully something is.

It gets "better".. oh so much better. We specifically looked for nonsmokers. They said they were nonsmokers. Kris's roommates.com profile said nonsmokers only. Well, at least one of them smokes.
They're polite and going outside and everything, but there's a separate option on roommates.com for "outside smoker." Kris said very specifically nonsmokers only.
I feel horrible and guilty because I remember what it's like to be a smoker.. AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. I don't want to remember what it's like to be a smoker, it's been just under a year since I quit, and I don't need to be around it, no matter how polite and considerate they might be about it.
I AM PISSED.

Then give them the boot, as they are not in compliance with the terms. You do not 'owe' them anything, and neither does Kris.


M.

There's no written lease and no way to kick them out. In most states, Maryland included, if you let somebody move in with you, you can't just kick them out. It generally requires an entire eviction proceeding and at least a month. During which time they could make my life a living hell.. more so than already. Now it's just their presence that's upsetting. And it seems totally stupid to get pissed at someone for smoking outside.. But I quit when I moved here. And the main way I managed to do so was by not being around it. I moved down here and there weren't so much habits because my entire environment had changed. I was just starting to be able to manage the house in general and stuff.. getting the place together, acting like an adult and cleaning and walking the dog and baking bread and sewing.. a couple of college aged girls who smoke and make me want to smoke and fit in with them and stuff.. It's not their fault, but I still can't handle it!
I just want quietness and aloneness..
I miss the quiet Coastie who just came home to sleep! Heck, I miss the drunken Marine! (Of course, the drunken marine was a gamer, so his existence in this world was minimal... he actually lived in WoW)

Edit: I think I just need to accept that the house isn't mine anymore. I got used to having most of the house to myself most of the time, started getting the place cleaned up and everything.. and of course I don't like change. I need to bring all of my sewing stuff and all up into the back room, and just accept that downstairs is a common area now and I can't use it in peace. There are other people around and it isn't ideal.. but I just have to stop thinking like the house is mine.