What to Do
When in a conversation, one is supposed to make eye contact but break eye contact once in a while, right? So, how many times per minute should I look away and where should I look when I am modulating the eye contact? At an object behind the person? The person's forehead? The ground?
Also, when among a group of people, how should I stand, who should I face, and what should I look that?
I haven't thought about these questions in years.
I think it is ok to look up or down or left or right when you're thinking of something to say. Body language experts suggest that people's eyes move in certain directions depending on whether they are more visually orientated or aurally / verbally orientated (do you think mostly in pictures or sounds/words?) and left or right depending on whether they are remembering something or being creative and making something up. Any of these might be appropriate in the context. Blinking is also ok. Although not too much - hmm how much is too much, car indicator signal is too fast, maybe once a minute is ok - but if you're looking at your watch to check that would be awkward. Timing would vary, more often if it is extremely hot or cold or you get something in your eye.
looking at a person - try to look at their eyes while they are speaking, if they pause you can change focus while you think about what they said. If there is a pause you can also look at other people in the conversation to see what they think about what is being said or to see if they want to say something. I found looking at both eyes hard, looking at the bridge of the nose was wrong, as was looking at the forehead, but looking at one eye is ok, especially if the person has a glass eye. Look at the eye that is looking at you. People have a dominant eye, if you can look at that one, that will probably seem most comfortable. For most people that is their right eye. If it doesn't feel right looking at that one, try the other.
There is such a thing as staring into space where your face and eyes are pointed at someone but your focus is not on them - it's at a point way behind them. So you're looking at a person but not actually seeing them. This might make you feel more comfortable but if you do it too much you will miss the other person's facial expressions and you increase your chance of saying something inappropriate or rude. It might be handy in a large group ie with a teacher or lecturer but not good one on one, like when they ask you a question.
When I'm the one speaking to a large group, I find it helpful to notice people around the crowd that I know or look friendly, I share my gaze between them. I move to the next person with the next new idea I'm talking about. When I first started I used to look just over the tops of their heads, so I guess people in the next row thought I was looking at them but I wasn't really looking at anyone. That worked but it isn't as good.
In a group of people I generally stand as the others stand - you make a fairly evenly spaced circle. People who are very close like husband and wife might stand a bit closer together so they'd space as if they were one wide person. Pay attention to the way people's feet point, and the way their arms are, if you want other people to join in easily - leave a bigger gap in the circle at some point or open one up if you notice someone facing into your group and paying attention to the speakers. There are lots of books on body language - this link might help, I like his stuff http://www.peaseinternational.com/
I hope some of that helps you. I don't think there are definite rules of timing, but pay attention to when the person pauses between ideas or takes a breath. Beware of People who studied with English Academics who have learnt to pause in the middle of a sentence so they can hog the conversation.
I found the 'sideroad' article very helpful and validates what I have been taught about the "eye-mouth triangle":
Where to look
Imagine an inverted triangle in your face with the base of it just above your eyes. The other two sides descend from it and come to a point between your nose and your lips. That's the suggested area to "look at" during business conversations. Socially, the point of the triangle drops to include the chin and neck areas. When people look you "up and down," it's probably more than business or a casual social situation they have in mind!
How long to look
I suggest about 80 - 90 percent of the time. Less than that can be interpreted as discomfort, evasiveness, lack of confidence or boredom. When you stare longer, it can be construed as being too direct, dominant or forceful and make the other person uncomfortable. It's okay to glance down occasionally as long as your gaze returns quickly to the other person. Avoid looking over the other person's shoulders as if you were seeking out someone more interesting to talk with.
I position my body to face the person that talks the most (which generally isn't me!) and twist my head to the person speaking. The sideroad article also mentions how to position your posture and feet to encourage communication flow.
Hope this helps...
References:
http://www.sideroad.com/Business_Etique ... guage.html
http://psycserver.psyc.queensu.ca/munha ... ment98.pdf (peeps interested in a psych study on the eyemouth triangle with culture variation should check out this article!)
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larsenjw92286
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Joined: 30 Aug 2004
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 8,062
Location: Seattle, Washington
My answer to the first part of your question: Not at all!
My answer to the second part of your question: The person who you are talking to.
