Could Unbalanced Social Skills Training Cause Problems?

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I've come to realize a great deal of socializing is about moderation. It's even a bad idea to avoid offending people all the time, because then people will take advantage of you. You shouldn't most of the time, but I've discovered that there are times in social situations that call for offending people, such as "knocking a person down a peg". It's important to learn how social hierarchy works(and from there how your group of friends or prospective group of friends works), where you are at, and how to exploit opportunities climb it. It's not impossible for us. Thomas Jefferson and Bill Gates come to mind. We just need more thought, planning, and practice. Interestingly I've realized the higher you already are the more mistakes you can get away with, so it's actually a great idea for those on the spectrum to jump on any chance to climb(with consideration of other factors). The flip-side is people will be looking to you more for advice and decisions. But given our excellent problem-solving abilities that's not a problem.

But I digress,

Anyone ever been in social skills training? Do they ever teach about how to guage the level of significance that people attach to their interpretations of you and whether it stays and builds, stays the same, or fades away? Especially how to tell when people might have had a thought about it for a second, but didn't really care and let it go? I've come to realize when people talk about being chill or chillness this relates to how quickly a person drops things. If you want more socializing but less to worry about you should try to connect with people who are known for being chill.

How about teaching how to tell when some individual quirk might seem weird but is unlikely to make everyone shun you? How about when something "weird" can be used as a means of intriguing people? How about telling what a person's attitudes are towards "weirdness"?(a basic of this is "stay away from the preps" in high school. I can't describe it but I am familiar with the "snob tone", tone of voice that is more often used by stuck up people. Teach the kids to recognize that) How about cases when it would cause controversy with a group of loyal, intrigued friends and people who think you're really cool on the one hand and people who hate you on the other(that is to say identifying which behavior will turn you into a person who is loved or hated by everyone with very few people in between. Some people might want that kind of life, others might not but either way it would be good to learn what causes that in order to make it happen or avoid it)?

I've realized that my father nitpicked so hard against even the most minor thing and eventually pieced together that his behavior suggests severe self-esteem issues that he externalized onto me, leading to me becoming very self-conscious and having bad self-esteem issues. Leading to freaking out over my perception of what I imagined people thought of me and avoiding social situations not because I didn't want to socialize but because I tried to be a perfectionist about it creating anxiety, would stutter trying to pick the right word(which even though I'm more relaxed now still happens when I get stuck trying to translate thoughts into words), would wind up saying something weird anyways and then think "I just spoiled this group of people, I need to go find another one. They'll never accept me now." or I'd try to give it a chance but every 5 minutes notice something and think "does that mean __?" and would tend to interpret things in a highly negative way.

The point is teaching kids how they might be perceived by others without putting into perspective that others are usually not nitpicking over every little thing about you (and if they are they've got some serious issues) and that others let things go is an important thing to do.

One thing I've noticed is if you ever bring up something you or someone else did a long time ago they will say "But that was 1 year ago/1 month ago/etc." It is comforting that with the passage of time past events become unimportant to other people. This comforting truth should be taught. Nothing bad that happens is permanent unless you make it permanent. Everything good that happens can be cherished and committed to memory to pull out again and again. Knowing this I could be homeless and be happy.

If my kids have AS I will be more concerned about preventing too much anxiety and stress than social awkwardness. It will be more important to me that my kids are comfortable asserting themselves and interacting when they want rather than whether or not they do it right. Really the only way to learn is to make mistakes and learn from them. Anxiety leads people to shy away from risks, not try, and then not learn.

Also I wonder how much focus is placed on humor. How much detail? Turning something a person says into a joke is a great way to deflect unwarranted criticism or insults while setting the person up so if they were to get mad at you for it they'd look overly serious and so they will likely even respond by laughing themselves, letting it go, and becoming closer to you. Humor is a great tool for ending an argument abruptly with a victory(or draw as it might me), but at the same time endearing the other person closer to you. Humor is also a good way to get chiller, more laid back friends who are more likely to forgive your social mistakes. It's easier to get away with some social awkwardness if you are a chill, funny person than if you are overly anxious and serious.

You have some good insights. It is hard to tell if you are really asking anything though. Seems like you are over-thinking things.

Social skills are just a means to an end if one does not like socializing. Even knowing the perfect thing to say and do all the time won't make you like socializing if you do not to begin with. So many aspies, etc. spend so much time worrying and feeling guilty about failing at socializing that they fail to notice they don't even like doing it, or they do not even like the people they are worried about socializing with. Strip away the anxiety and guilt, and there is just boredom and dissatisfaction left.

I think people should just focus on whatever gives them joy and confidence, and the social aspects will just fall into place.

I'm actually really curious about those classes since they didn't exist when I was growing up. What do they do on those classes? I read about them but I want to hear first hand; what do you do when you're there?

Yeah, socializing is tough and it can induce a lot of anxiety and fear for many aspies I would guess. I really dont know whats the best way to train someone. Cause the problem is that when you make aspies aware of all these social things, we go freakin paranoid eventually in knowing that everything were doing is wrong and we dont know how to do things right? We get so scard that were always doing something wrong.

Honestly some of my friends think Im absolutely nuts.

For me, I was never really "trained" so much by other people. I trained myself, not to say people didnt help me along the way, many people have, but 90% of my skills are self-taught. But I did notice at 1 point, as I became more socially aware, the more scard I became. I realize how much people do pick up about you, NTs do pick up more about each other then we realize. But the downside is that I've gone absolutely paranoid to the point that I badly need anxiety meds. Sigh...Im sorry, Im just in the mood were my anxiety has been so crazy lately I cant take it.

Oh yeah...NTs think Im crazy. So if somethings bothering me...I tell myself if Im gonna address the person...do it now or else the persons gonna think Im crazy. But thats hard to guage cause sometimes Id perfer just to let it flow outta my system instead of making trouble.

Wait, do they actually offer social skills training? Is it a class, or something else? I hear people saying "wouldn't it be great if," but I've never heard of actual training.

A few problems with this:
1. The idea that we do not like socializing is based on NT observations. They noticed us not socializing and assumed it was because we preferred not to when really many of us(I count myself in this) longed for it but didn't know what to do or kept getting alienated/ostracized when we tried to. Some of us might really not like socializing, but that's not an assumption that can be applied across the board. There are things within social interaction I know I would find fun, including things I've done before that I rarely get to do that I want to do more, and the "pleasure" I got from it was so great I will feel like my life is incomplete without getting to the point of having this pleasure as often or preferably more than the people around me. Asperger's is even complex. It's not all or nothing. I have the social emotion of envy, probably more than my NT peers. I want so badly to know everything, touch everything, experience everything, accomplish everything, although I tend to focus in on only a few at a time and recently I've read an article about how multitasking involves spending time and energy just shifting so I suppose this isn't a bad strategy. Still it's depressing that the human lifespan doesn't go long enough for me to do all I want. I will never be fulfilled and that depresses me, and then I do nothing and the problem just gets worse and worse. The "feeling concern" or "imagining what it feels like" works fine if I notice someone in serious distress or even if I'm reading about some major catastrophe, war, famine, injustice, and imagining what it's like to be the victims. In my experience I feel these things way more than the average person when it pertains to those things.
2. "Likes" are complex and divisible into smaller and smaller aspects. A person may like some aspects of something and dislike other aspects. The aspects liked might outweigh the ones disliked to the point where the disliked aspects aren't even noticed, or vice versa. To a small degree we can change whether something is liked or disliked by redirecting our focus. Think about someone in a foul mood. They probably won't want to do anything fun. That's because they are thinking negatively and so their mind focusing on the negatives of what ever activity they are doing. But someone in a good mood will focus on all the positives and might be down for doing things they normally wouldn't.
This can also be changed by changing what resources, abilities, and knowledge is at our disposal.
3. "Socializing" itself is complex and divisible. It is doubtful that any one person likes all aspects of it or none of it.
4. There are things that pertain even to my special interests that basically require me to socialize in order to obtain/achieve them. So not socializing is not an option if I am going to live a fulfilling life.