i messed up

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i dont know what to say or who to say it to or how to fix it.
my best friends mom died and she is not talking to me now. we would talk every other day and she has been my friend since 2006. we would hang out every week. she doesnt answer my texts or my phone calls or my facebook messages. i am upset and afraid.
i admit that i got angry with her and i snapped at her once when her mom was dying because she wouldnt quit smoking and thats what her mom was dying of. so i snapped at her because she mentioned some quote from a book about there being no such thing as love and i was angry because i didnt want her to be upset so i told her the quote was irresponsible and that she shouldnt believe such things. she said she didnt believe it, she was just quoting it and i told her she shouldnt.
that was it. then i wrote her a card that said why i snapped at her. thats the end i guess. this was two or three weeks ago now. she was my only friend and i know that didnt help. i dont know what to do. i have thought of just letting it go, but i am worried that i will be so much alone. i am going to start going out with my sister to card game nights, which should have a lot of socially awkward people at them that i could possibly get to know.
i cant even express how confused i am.

You must write her an apology

Dear So and SO,

I am sorry that your mother has passed. Please forgive me for being rude I'm very sorry and I would never wish to cause you pain or see you hurt.

Sincerely,

blah blah

And send flowers.

This is good. Here's another one:

Dear So and So,

I can never understand what you're going through. I'm so sorry I added to your pain by snapping at you when what you needed was comfort. I miss your company and I want to be here for you.

Sincerely,

You

(I agree about the flowers)

**A lot of people on the spectrum have trouble empathizing with grief and this can be very, VERY difficult for a grieving person, especially if that grieving person is neurotypical. I'm NT and have lost several people very close to me.

I would advise in dealing with your friend in person to let that person talk about it, or display emotions (even if they seem crazy or unfair) and just either nod your head to agree with them with your eyebrows furrowed and a frown like you're sad -OR- just look down and shake your head a little bit and say quietly "I don't know..." or "it's just awful..." or something similar.

DON'T tell them your opinions. They are looking for empathy, but it may be impossible for you to give it, so the best thing to do is to use these neutral behaviors.

this has been very practical advice and i thank you.

this whole thing has been a nightmare.
heres a revelation that i had: when her mom first got sick and knew she was dying, my friend came over and was crying on my couch and i realized that i should feel something but i wasnt feeling anything and i just held her. afterwards, i thought a lot about how i didnt feel anything. i mean, i had some sort of empathy, but it only registered in my brain. and then i went ahead and shared with her that i didnt feel anything. i realized later that was not such a good thing to do.

i am just starting to look into this AS thing in treatment so i am not sure which is more scary: the realization that i didnt feel anything because of my emotional ability or the thought that i just dont care enough to feel anything.

when you read this, it must look like i am a jerk. i promise that she meant the world to me. i didnt mean any harm.

i want to say that i understand what your advice was and to thank you again.

i may be on the verge of a freak out =(

what if i am on a different social frequency? i dont know how to make this work =(

today at work i had such a surreal moment when two coworkers were talking about a city in my region and i shared the history of the name of the city and they just walked away. they didnt even really say anything. i didnt care, i mean its work and who are these people anyway? but it just got me thinking, how often do i do this? how often do i weird people away from me?

and, in this case with my friend, how do i effect the reverse and get them to come back?

How do you effect the reverse and get them to come back? You mean, like, reversing your explaining the history of the name of your city? Too late. It's unfortunate a lot of folks "dumb" themselves down to be accepted in a crowd. It's horrible. Why should people do that? To have friends? I'd rather be alone than play the fool.

Please don't freak out about this. You had a very normal reaction for someone on the autism spectrum. You didn't love your friend's mom so you didn't have a grief reaction. It is normal and okay to not have empathy for someone on the spectrum. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or can't be connected to people. Wishing you could do something to make someone else feel better proves that you're sensitive and caring.

When someone close to you dies you will feel grief and it will be unique and functional to you.

Neurotypical people are just very, very different when it comes to sharing grief reactions. It doesn't mean that they are more "normal." They're just different.

It might be good to talk about this in therapy, but make sure that you're talking to someone who specializes in autism and will be sensitive to autistic reactions and emotions.

I hope this helps.