Empathy?

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I keep reading about empathy and people with AS lacking empathy. What is interesting to me is that many people with AS go above and beyond to fit in, yet "neurotypicals" who claim to have "more empathy" are the ones pushing anyone different out of their lives.

So, why exactly is it that "I" need to learn to have more "empathy", when it is the neurotypicals who seem to lack it. They might have "empathy" with people just like them, but hey, that's not really having empathy, is it?

I agree, besides we can have empathy, we just express it diffrently

I don't know if there are people with AS that have a good empathy, but I actually lack of empathy. I am able to empathize only very very little with my parents, or seldom with people that I consider nice. However, yes, even NTs don't seem to have so much empathy. Very few of them seem to be able to empathize. My mother even told me that some of them just fake to empathize with others.

I have empathy, but I never show it.
Mostly because it feels so unnatural for me.

whatamess wrote:

This is why I find it so irksome when threads get brought up implying that ''Aspies lack empathy and NTs don't''. I'm glad you done this thread because you're probably thinking what I'm thinking.

Empathy is more of a personality trait. Some people have it more than others, and it's a thing what different people express in different ways, and it can depend on age and gender aswell. It's not a ''one size fits all'' trait. I'm Aspie but I happen to be very sensitive to how other people think and feel, and I have been like this for as long as I can remember.

And I know a lot of NTs (especially men) who have the ''bugger you Jack, I'm all right'' attitude, which means ''all is well as long as I'm happy, and I don't care about how it may affect anyone else''. Anyone can sometimes have moments like this, but for some people it's a habit or a fault. I'm not usually like this. I often find myself giving something I like up to do a favour for somebody else.

I've often seen on threads here that NTs have universal empathy where as Aspies may just about have empathy for others who have had the exact same experience as themselves. I find that is not true at all. If NTs had universal empathy, then how come people with invisible conditions like AS get so misunderstood and bullied and rejected without a second thought? Not saying all NTs are not thoughtful, but there are a lot who just have no idea how it feels to have a disability. And they're supposed to be the ones with empathy?

I have never found this to be true on a general level. The thing is that we are just more ignorant when it comes to social norms, and so can appear to lack empathy to people without a good understanding of the condition. Neurotypicals are often better at expressing empathy than we are, and they are more aware of the feelings of others. But in terms of feeling emotion in response to the emotions of other people(or the easily apparent ones, at least), I've never felt there was any difference between us varieties of humans. This is gathered from personal experience and knowledge of other people with AS.

Everyone who uses this word implies a different meaning. So I don't use the word at all.

(I think it has a well-defined meaning in psychology, but this isn't a psychologists' discussion board.)

So....the two girls who randomly laughed at me in the supermarket the other week were aware of my feelings?

I suppose that includes all the people that have ever been nasty to me in my life.

Not exactly, but they may have noticed that there is something strange about you.

I don't know so many Aspies in real life, but when I see photos and videos of Aspies, I do recognize some obvious patterns.

I heard a neurotypical closed minded woman who does Autism research blurt out:
"People with Asperger's Syndrome have lack of empathy and get blow up for no apparent reason." Another person agreed with her.

I told them to shut up and that they did not live inside our heads and then I happened to live with Asperger's Syndrome.

I heard, "We don't mean that about all people with Asperger's ma'am. I know this because of what I read and my own work."

I said then reminded her, "That does not make you an expert." She and the other person shut down when I said that.

As for empathy, we DO not lack it for other people. Either do people with HFA either.

I agree. Many teenagers are apathetic and have no empathy for anyone outside of their group of friends.

With me and empathy, I think I feel it. When something bad happens to someone and it's my fault, I tend to feel guilty and regret doing it, but only half the time it makes me feel upset.

I know that humans only have selective empathy. They only have empathy when they want to, to people who they want to have it with. Same even goes for me, except I find myself feeling guilty neary all the time for other people, and I can even say that I am sensitive to other people's feelings. I don't pick on people in public randomly though, that's just immature and ill-mannered, unless they are doing something really unusual like dancing around with their pants around their ankles or something hilarious like that. I don't find shy-looking people that funny. If I did find someone funny, I laugh in my own time, not in front of their face because I know that nobody likes being laughed at (even confident people).

I just hope empathy isn't a word for ''respecting people's feelings'' and ''treating others how you would want to be treated''. Yes, there are a lot of nice people out there who do their best to respect people's feelings and treat people how they would want to be treated, but even they can have their moments. Same as me, I come across as a very kind, caring, thoughtful person, but even I can have my moments too, especially if someone (like my brother) annoys me, I have called him a bad word before. But I got so angry with him that I wanted to show loud and clear how annoyed I felt, and I wanted him to feel upset by calling him a bad word because he was really annoying me.

I agree with what you're getting at. I think that NTs, because of their generally likeable presence and the fact that they are the majority, can have a ton of successful relationships because most people respond to them positively. NTs may not have had to learn to understand anyone different when most of the people they meet think and feel similarly to them.

Aspies, on the other hand, because we are in the minority and may not have a naturally engaging presence, probably have to work twice as hard to forge relationships and show empathy.

I think it's not just feeling and showing empathy, but showing it in a way that NTs are accustomed to it.

But for me, it´s true. I really don´t have that much empathy, it´s not just like I don´t appear to have it. I am only empathic when it regards my own family, my closest friends or little babies and animals.