Social behavior roles/modes

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I don't know if this was discussed earlier. What I mean by the thread title is that people behave differently in different social settings. E.g. they express different kinds of personalities and/or social behavior depending on what social group they are in: for example at work (towards colleagues, superiors), at home (towards wife or children), at a pub (towards friends), for mating (towards women), towards their parents, etc.

Now I suppose, that most autistic people, like myself, don't have any or only limited social modes.
I though have two modes: a kind of socially universal, distant-professional modus, that I generally express at work and towards strangers and towards women and parents and friends and what not. Additionally, I have some kind of colloquial, more simplified, more emotional, more effortless social modus, which I mostly trace back to have been created during the years I was on all sorts of drugs and made that kind of different experiences.
But its not really a modus, its more of a different type of personality I have and I also experience that internally in the way that the latter 'modus' is a dimmed down version of the former, where I just deactivate a lot of mental resources and that changes my thinking and behavior such that it works on a less complex level (which is also a coping strategy to save on mental resources). Consequently, if I am put under enough stress, it tunes me up mentally and I get into the former mode.
The two modes can also mix though, which is either just switching between them or one of them being in a less extreme state, though it is not arbitrarily variable. It is already confusing though and I cannot imagine having to deal with more than two deviating types of behavior.

Now I notice that it is socially not very advantageous though. It all works generally, but for example, when approaching women, I can either be distant-professional (which seems to block any formation of relationship) or male-typical, effortless/colloquial, non-considerate or however it might be described (which seems to freak them out). This is probably the biggest deficit and simultaneously the most incompatible social aspect of changing one of the two available modes.

Now I have no idea how to get or deal with a third mode, just for relationships with women, though that seems to be required. I also do not and cannot act up or be false or lie about myself.

I wonder how you do it and if you can see and describe your social modes in yourself.


Note for trigger-happy mods: This thread is supposed to be about general social skills, not dating. Read the thread.

According to Goffman (a sociologist), people are eager to manipulate the impressions that others form of them (that's why they have multiple social modes) mainly because of two reasons. The first reason ("self-interest") is that they want others to think that they are good people because good people are more likely to receive help in times of need. The second reason ("working consensus") is that they don't want to disrupt an implicit agreement regarding who should play what role in a group so that the group can continue to function. Since "working consensus" is implicit and unspoken, we Aspies generally have a hard time figuring out what roles we are expected to play, so we tend to be expelled from groups and sometimes newly formed groups refuse to take us in. According to Goffman, people use "props" such as clothes and cosmetics to enhance their image. As far as I know, many Aspies either don't care or don't know about using such "props". (E.g. I don't know what types of clothes are in vogue nowadays.)

I have adopted a chameleon type strategy. I still get it wrong a lot of times, and it drains me. I do it mostly at work. This has taken hundreds, if not thousands of hours,watching films, and reading books. It's a form of study. But the problem is that inside, my anxiety is proportional to the amount of "fake's" I need to adopt.

That's what NTs do, adopt a chameleon strategy. And it takes a serious toll on their lives too. The only difference is that for most autistics it's impossible to do it. So I guess you're doing it but doing it wrong, simply because we aspies can't do it right - our true personality shines through the chameleon however much of an effort we make. This is the core definition of autism.

I would rather say, continuing the metaphor, that NTs are born chameleons and aspies are born cats (or whatever animal that cannot camouflage). This would be more of a definition of what's different in autism.

I would say I have a role that I play at work, and when I am with my parents. They are clear to follow. In social gatherings I usually try not to play one, so I end up falling around. I keep trying to gauge what I should reveal. I can't figure it out, because people say, I should just be me, but that would mean I end up being antisocial. That doesn't help me or anybody else.

You are quite correct - they do. But why do they? Probably because they think it will earn them some reward, or avoid some censure, or because they want to belong to the club they are in. But isn't that rather false of people? Doesn't it ultimately lead to social stagnation, avoidance of important issues being discused, and a lot of other problems? Would it not be better if we didn't play 'roles' but were just more open and honest, while of course being polite and friendly?

The American and German people (and others) are often perceived as being more open and honest than others. Maybe that is a good thing. Maybe we should all be more like that, instead of following roles that others have devised?

I do not talk about certain topics if I fear too much that the other party would disapprove.
What that means in practice - when I sometimes express myself on online, (unless it's some place with loads of very judgemental people but why would I say something in such a setting) I am way more open than I ever am irl (even if I still have some restrictions and don't actually reach out to people)
I am perhaps most restricted with complete strangers irl - like if I was just at a bus stop and some complete stranger just started talking to me out of the blue. Thankfully, that is a very, very rare occurrence.
Then my brother, with whom I can talk about video games and joke around - I know he usually approves of my humor. So I use humor with him, I enjoy inside jokes a lot.
Also something that changes the wealth of topics I can talk about is the amount of past experiences with the other party.
So. The point is. I'm ridiculously afraid of people and so I don't dare to talk about the same topics with people I suspect might not approve.
I would assume that most people restrict themselves thus, only it's less likely to be due to fear.

I do this to a limited extent, mostly while in parental mode or dealing with work superiors. The proper response to most social engagements is in a huge blind spot, and simply refuses to compute. Sometimes I can tell a person is expecting me to initiate polite conversation, and either gets miffed when I don't or is completely confused by what jumble I manage to blurt out. Best case scenario is when they get to know me a bit, and don't take it personally--at least then I don't feel guilty about seeming rude. I hear a lot about autistic people emulating role models from fictional characters or taken from real life, but that's my weakest area. I wonder if a lack of social skills training has set me back that much, or if it's simply not there at all.

oh yes, thousands of hours watching films, trying to mimic people.