Can tell the difference

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Hi,
I was just wondering when to draw the fine line between one giving you constructive criticism and one making you feel bad.

Summer, there is no way to answer your question as posed. For starters, criticism made with even the best of intentions, and very diplomatically, can cause the recipient to get upset. What upsets us is a very subjective thing and varies from person to person. Having said this, it is the case that things can be said with the sole intent to hurt or cause pain.

Would you care to be more specific?

When I mean being critical, I am talking about the difference between correcting wrong behavior or wrong choices and deliberately me making you feel bad.

What is the difference? This is an area that I always have had trouble reading.

A lot can be judged from the tone in which the criticism is made and the language used. The other approach that can be used is to ask what would happen if you followed that advice. It seems to be all the rage for some people to dispense toxic advice. I think the bottom line is that even an aspie can learn how to judge such things given enough experience and thoughtfulness.

I would add that I think being able to learn even from the most harsh criticism, and to value criticism more than praise is a sign of a superior individual.

Does this answer your question?

One sure way is to listen for comments about YOU rather than comments on what you DID. "You made a mistake here" is one thing, "You don't know what you're doing, do you?" is another.

Sometimes, though, it's not because of mean-spiritedness that people criticize harshly: It's because they got the idea somewhere that by saying what you did wrong harshly, you'll be more likely to never do it again. Kind of like the logic that the harder you punish someone for doing something wrong, the less likely they'll ever do it again. It's wrong, but you can never convince people of it.

One good indicator is whether or not they are attributing the criticism to you as a person or a behavior of yours. For instance, one might "you are X", or they might say "your behavior is X". For the former, I'd say that's them trying to make you feel guilty about how you're acting, while for the latter, they're trying to draw your attention to something you do.

Intent is important when judging these matters as well. Just straight out ask them what they meant by whatever they said.

EDIT: Woops, sacrip got in before me. Stupid DDOS thingy, messing up my posts... then again, at least there's no spam.

Yuugiri, I see two different issues at play in your remarks.

First, there is the diplomatic issue. When I get irritated at somebody, I can ask what THEIR problem is or what THE problem is. Though both questions are the same, the former is more confrontational. It's the tone thing.

Sometimes criticism is personal and couldn't be otherwise. For example, if you're trying to convince a person that they need to lose weight, there is no non-personal way to do so.

Sometimes things aren't personal. For example, the boss who just laid you off can tell you it's nothing personal, and he may be right. Now imagine getting dumped by a boyfriend or girlfriend. That is always personal.

In other words, making a criticism personal can be a way to hurt people. But other criticisms are inherently personal.

I think we all know, at some level, what the difference is. It’s just hard to explain, and it’s easy to get confused while figuring out how to respond.
The perpetrator will disingenuously pretend that he doesn’t know the difference. He does.

When making someone feel bad, can nagging be a good example?

I will create a scenario: Two people are volunteering at a small benefit and one of those people decides that they are going to set a table a certain way because something does not look right. The other person has an OC personality and acts like they are a leader when they really are not.
I'll call the person being nagged at Michelle and the nagger Nicole.

Nicole: Hey Michelle, that dish on the table goes over there.(Picking up the dish of food and putting it in a different spot)
Michelle: Okay I'll keep that in...
Nicole: And Michelle, we don't put the pot holders out now. The food is not ready
Michelle: I'm sorry
Nicole: The guests are not here yet there is no need to light the candles. Just leave leave the matches on the tray back there.
Michelle: Oh?
Nicole: Yeah, (Stomping off.) Oh and Michelle, I need you to wash the dishes. There are several in the sink. Also, do you know how to run the carpet cleaner?
Michelle: No I have never used one
Nicole: Well I had to even though it was your job today did you know that?. Oh and just so you know there is a lot of prep work in cleaning a facility like this before a dinner benefit. (This is even though Michelle was not asked in the first place to steam the carpet)
Is that a form of making someone feel bad?

I'd give her the benefit of the doubt in that scenario as far as intending to make the other volunteer feel bad. But she clearly feels she knows EXACTLY what needs to be done and has no tolerance for any deviation. And given that she's likely older and/or has more time doing the work she doesn't feel the need to be in any way diplomatic about how bossy she's being. If it were me, I'd probably find some other thing that needed doing and let her do it all herself if she's so damn particular. Volunteering should not feel like work.

Btw, that was not a real scenario. I was just using an example based on things that I have seen before. From what you are saying though, I would not have I thought of that sort of a behavior as a form of low tolerance. When I was younger I used to label that type of attitude as sort of mean. My other friends called it "Harsh nagging."

I think contructive critism is when they have good intentions in mind. When they try to lessen the blow and one way to do that is to say something positive first before. Whereas just trying to make you feel bad, they'll just tell you with less consideration for your feelings.