Wanting Friends vs. Being Needy?

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I'm struggling with this issue right now... Most of the time I'm pretty self-sufficient, and I don't need (or want) a lot of social interaction. But lately I've been feeling like I want to connect with people a bit more (which is why I'm here) – and I'm not certain if this is "healthy and normal", or "needy and pathetic"?

For the past 15 years I've only had two friends, but they've both grown distant over the past couple years, to the point where I rarely hear from them anymore. And I can accept that. People's lives don't revolve around me, and they've found other things they'd rather be doing, than talking to me.

But I do miss having someone who cares about what I'm doing from day to day – how I'm feeling, what issues are on my mind, etc. Part of me thinks I just need to be strong, and that it's unhealthy to need someone else to care about you. But on the other hand... Isn't that just kind of normal, for most people?

I don't know. But in any case, I'm grateful for this forum, because I don't enjoy socializing in real life, and it's so nice to have a whole community of people who understand what autism is (and instantly understand a LOT about me, just because of that!)

Anyway, I'm glad to be here, and I am curious whether other people think that wanting to have friends is "healthy and normal", or "needy and pathetic" – because I'm honestly confused about that myself!

Healthy and normal.
Too many nuances to maintaining a friendship for me though. I prefer very short interactions with no expectations of follow up.
Good luck to you. Most NTs probably don't know how lucky they would be to have an Aspie friend.

I'm in danger of being in this place again. I had a friend drop out of med school and now we talk a lot recently, but I feel like I can only connect with people who are morbidly depressed. Whenever my friends become truly happy and self sufficient we start drifting away from each other.

the past 3 years or so I let myself get more and more isolated. It was like dying without being dead. without being in school there was just no one to meet to make new friends. and I had made a few new friends but didn't know how to maintain them even though they seemed to be trying to help maintain the relationship. I just don't know.

Thanks for the responses!

I'm still feeling like my recent desire for socializing is a danger signal. That I shouldn't look to other people to fill this emptiness that I'm feeling. I should take responsibility for my own happiness, and not expect other people to magically fix things for me.

I don't know. Like I said, I'm really, really confused about this!

Fortunately, this isn't just an AS problem. It happens to NTs as well.

Ever see a dog that's neglected...left in a pen or caged in area and never sees people except for feeding time?

They are total basket cases to interact with ANYONE.

No matter how much of a loner you claim to be, we all need some level of regular intimate contact with others.

If we go long enough without it, we tend to try and "overcompensate" when we finally get an opportunity to bond...coming across as "smothering" and "needy."

It's similar to kids from poor countries who come to the US into adopted families and put on massive weight gain from overeating. Their whole life they live with inadequate food, so they don't grasp the concept that there is plenty to eat and they won't be going hungry again. Hence, they gorge themselves because they are "programmed" to not know where or when they will find food again. This has to be de-programmed from them so they can be healthy.

Likewise, if you are socially-starved, you need to exercise restraint to not overdo it when you get an opportunity to connect with others. The first step is understanding that you are socially-malnourished and that you will be prone to overcompensate to make up for all the unsatisfied need to connect with others.

The dog analogy is interesting... Actually, I've always thought I'm much more like a cat, or a hamster. My hamster is ecstatic to see me when she first wakes up in the evening, and loves to be held and cuddled – for about five minutes, and then "okay thanks bye" – and for the next 24 hours she prefers to be left alone, happily doing her own thing.

That's pretty much how I am. I really only want a little bit of social time – with my favorite people – but my "favorite people" have been neglecting me lately, and... Wahhh. LOL

I don't form attachments easily, so when I do, and then they abandon me... Ow, it hurts. It makes me want to just put up my walls and not have any friends at all, because that's less painful than trying to have friends, and constantly getting rejected.

I can relate to what you're saying Ashariel. I think it is healthy to want social interaction. I get stressed trying to work out the balance between keeping in contact with someone to maintain a friendship and working out how much is too much and how much is too little. So I think people end up believing that I don't like them because I am scared to overstep an invisible line of pestering them too much and end up giving them too little of my time.

I have a very nice neighbor and she has said I can drop by for coffee any time, but I find that very confusing. I haven't taken her up on her offer yet. I don't want to go round and find it's not a convenient time.

I think we think too much whereas and NT would just do it. I don't know though.

Buffinator, baking something for her is such a good idea. Why didn't I think of that.

I love dogs, but what worries me is the expense. I'm on a tight budget and if the dog got sick I'd struggle to pay the bills. I'm not allowed pets either, I'm in a rented property and my crazy landlord has carpeted it throughout with cream carpets. Definately not a pet house. I can barely keep the carpet clean just living here myself.

FMX I think she genuinely means it. She's one of the most genuine people I've met.

Ok now I sound crazy complaining I have no friends when clearly someone is reaching out to me. It is my self confidence (or lack of) that holds me back.

I have sensory issues with dogs (I can't stand the slobber, or the smell, or the barking, or the licking... Eeek!) And despite all my whining, I really don't want to get out and interact with people in real life.

But those all sound like great ideas, for people who enjoy those things!

I've been doing a lot of thinking and analyzing (haha, that's my whole problem right?) And I'm thinking of eliminating the word 'friend' from my vocabulary, because to call someone your 'friend' gives them the power to disappoint you, and crush you, by failing in their role.

Instead of having two fairly distant, uninvolved 'friends', I'm deciding to call them 'penpals' instead. I don't expect much from a penpal. If you email me once a month or so, and say anything at all, you're doing a very decent job of being my penpal.

So you know what? I have two awesome penpals. And when I look at it that way, I'm completely okay with the situation. It doesn't bother me that I don't have any 'friends'. I just hate when people claim to be my friend, but don't behave in a way that supports that claim. I'm very logic-based, and I think the "logic fail" of the situation is what confuses and upsets me the most.

It's true that I do feel an inconsolable sense of neediness. But in my case I think it's like being an alcoholic. I can't be satisfied with a 'healthy' or 'normal' level of emotional connection – I always want more – so it's safest and best that I abstain altogether.