It happens... again?

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So i have this friend i used talk to on a daily basis via email. a few months ago he just stopped responding for no reason. i sent the last message between the two of us, but i decided to reignite the conversation despite this. now it's happened again. i asked him a question, and he hasn't responded or said anything else in over three weeks. now this is annoying since every time i feel taking a break from our correspondence i let him know, and tell him i'll message him when my break is over. even despite this he would still email me before i decided to come back, and i would feel him sorry and respond.

the problem is i regard him as a good friend whose friendship over the past few years i've valued and appreciated immensely. but i don't wanna come across as clingy or desperate even though perhaps i am. i mean if he wanted a break he could of at least told me, right? or has he just ended the friendship? i've had this happen to me in the past so many times, when i see i'm being ignored, i then try to get a response, and i get none, and the friendship is over and i'm left wondering why. what did i do wrong? did i even do anything wrong at all? if i did something wrong at least tell me, right? but no, just complete silence. i'd even appreciate a "get stuffed, i don't wanna know you anymore".

so what should i do? my pride is telling me not to try an initiate with someone, who if experience is anything to go by, has had their fill with me, and now feels it's the right time to throw me away.

This has happened a few times to me before. The last time was with the band I was in. After we broke up they didn't want to have to do anything with me.

I suspect I said something, or just say things in general, that turns them off. Of course this social miscuing is autism-related so there's little we can do about it. It's part and parcel of our diagnosis.

I still get surprised when I hear about married aspies. I ask myself, "How could this be? We have communication issues! We don't necessarily present ourselves in the most positive light!"

Don't initiate any further contact. It is his failing, not yours. I don't know why people are like this, but most people would rather give you the silent treatment rather than have an uncomfortable conversation. You'll probably never know why this happened. Just let it go. If you send multiple e-mails, you will look like a stalker.

When things like this happen, I think it's important to remind myself that it may not be all about me.

If your friendship is only via the computer, maybe something's happened where he can't or won't get online? Maybe he got a new email account and has forgotten to check the old one. He could be sick. A parent or other close relative could be sick and he could be spending all his time with them or in the hospital. He could even be dead. I know, unlikely, but you never know if you only have contact with him online and have no mutual friends to ask about how he's doing.

You could try emailing one more time and say something like, I haven't heard from you in awhile and I'm concerned. Is everything alright?

He may be one of those people who can't stand to spell things out, doesn't want to be your friend but doesn't want to come right out and SAY that. Which I hate, too. I'd rather hear it stated clearly than have to wait and guess and hope. Pulling the band-aid off quick vs pulling it off slow. Still hurts but it's over quicker. But since most people don't like scenes we're forced to put up with torture.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

The plot really thickens now, since completely out of the blue, i get a reply to the message i sent him over three weeks ago.

i feel foolish now, but i know it's not a coincidence that i complained about people just ignoring me (on the website we met - not this one, though i didn't start a thread) and now he decides to respond. no explanation, nothing.

so it seems he just had enough of talking to me, which is ok i guess, but at least explain that to me. now i don't know what to do...

should i just respond like nothing happened or do i press the matter by asking for an explanation, or even say nothing, just like he did?

why are people SO complicating?

Just tell him that you thought he had fallen out with you, as you hadn't heard from him in so long.

That's quite acceptable. People have said it to me in the past.

The best thing to do would be to send one e-mail and ask them if they are mad at you for something or if you did something to hurt their feelings. Then I would set a grace period for whatever time you want. For instance, I had someone recently start ignoring me and I asked if they were upset with me while giving them three days to express themselves.

If they continue to ignore you, then I would contact them after the grace period is up and then I would ask them "Are you interested in having a relationship with me or not because I not going to keep chasing you."

^
Well he did send me a message today. I'm still weighing up my options as to what to say. But if I have to be honest I guess I'll just go on like nothing has happened. I guess I'm just too freind starved to make a big deal of it now. I wasn't expecting any contact that's why I posted here.

A part of me just wanted to get out the frustration of not knowing why people just stop contacting me. It always makes me feel like I hurt them in some way, and the uncertainty about it makes it worse.

But I have thought about it now, and I've given everyone who ended things with me the benefit of the doubt. I was never angry with any of them, just disappointed that they left without saying goodbye. i wanted to remain friends, but i can't force them if for whatever reason they can't.

i guess friendships go as quickly as they come. i suppose if not now then sometime later even this one will slowly fade away.

But i can't go on chasing people, if they want it to end.

1. You aren't necessarily being thrown away at all. You've got to realize that there all kinds of reasons people cut things short. They may have personal reasons. They may have lost their internet even, etc. People just feel or begin to feel whatever way they do and even people that are particularly good in this area can't predict or understand it all. It can mean everything, or nothing. And we have no way of knowing through something like this (just an email correspondence). If you think it may really mean something you need to contemplate your own self, discuss it with family members and other people close to you, ask them why you aren't approachable, interesting to other people, overbearing, etc. When you can figure these things out in an environment where there are people who care about you, then you won't have to be "crucified" to be frank about yourself and maybe even learn some painful things so that you can deal with them.

2. Your value as a person isn't tied up in whether or not you feel ignored. Maybe someone has lost interest. That doesn't mean you aren't an interesting person. You must understand that things like this can be completely natural, and that if you want companionship you need to get used to seeking it without any shame. Meaningful and lasting relationships can only be guaranteed by actually spending time with one another, and often not even then. You never can know all of "what's up" but that doesn't necessarily have anything at all to do with your value as a person, your likability.

3. The last thing you want to do to someone when he/she stops contacting you is nudge them about it. Maybe you feel desperate, but you really shouldn't have to. If you are that desperate then you have gotten into some unhealthy patterns, patterns that you can get out of. Everyone needs companionship, and not only do you deserve but you can have it. You must believe that.

Well, i guess there must be reason why so many people have ditched me. i can't really think of why off the top of my head since i so badly want friendships to last, i play the role of sucking up most of the time. maybe people just can't stand that after a while. i don't know...
i think it's something i need to think of. i'm getting the feeling people enjoy me being "a friend in need" in the early stages of the friendship, but then find the niceness a little distasteful after a while. maybe i'm just too boring as well? i don't think i'm overbearing though. i never take more than i'd ask for, in whatever capacity when dealing with people. Or ar least, I hope so.

shame has always been a part of my life to be honest. i don't know if i can ever get over that. perhaps it's just natural that people grow tired of each other, but i always seem to be the one who wants to end it last.

i guess i have become desperate for friendship. not really surprising since i've been rejected and cast aside so many times before. maybe i'm stubborn. i think i just want to keep trying to get a response since i know that i always say nothing because i'm afraid of rejection. maybe i just wanna tell myself at least now i spoke up. ultimately i get rejected anyway, so maybe i should not try anymore.