Not always knowing what to say to people

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A couple of weeks ago I was on the bus, and a colleague from work got on at a stop just after mine. I'm not like the best of friends with her, but we do often have that colleague-to-colleague small talk when we're at work, and this was the first time I had bumped into her outside of work. She said hello to me as she sat down in the seat in front of me, and I smiled and said hello back. Then she turned around and asked where I was going (she was only making polite conversation). I just replied like ''I'm going to the shopping centre, need to get a few bits''. Then I asked her where she was going, and she said ''I'm meeting up with a friend and we're going for a coffee.'' So I was like ''oh OK, that'd be nice.'' Then I asked, ''so you're not working today then?'' I know it was obvious that she wasn't working today, but that's what I hear most people ask when seeing a colleague outside of work, so I knew there was nothing wrong in it, and she replied with ''no, I'm in tomorrow'' then asked me if I was in tomorrow and I said yes. The conversation seemed to end then and I couldn't think of what else to say. I didn't want to start asking her questions about her private life because I wasn't sure if I should or not, since I don't know her that well. Then the silence stretched into minutes, and the more silences last, the more I creep back into my shell for some reason, until the enthusiasm dies out. But then I noticed that she wasn't striking up another conversation either, so I thought maybe she doesn't want to talk whilst riding on a bus. I know that I was friendly when she first got on, and being so I knew her from work, I done the socially appropriate small talk, and then when the small talk ended we both kind of didn't ask each other anything else, and I think she looked quite happy sitting quietly.

Does anyone else do this with people? You both contribute in an appropriate greeting involving small talk, then suddenly both go quiet after and don't say anything more.

That happens to me a lot. It's uncomfortable when I'd like to talk longer and either can't figure out what to say, or the other person seems like they may not want to.

Yes, that happens with me, and I am not sure it is a uniquely ASD thing. An initial hello, how are you, and bit of chit-chat seems all that's needed to make for a cordial exchange.

The key for me is awkward feeling at the end of it. I find it helpful to have something in hand to transfer my attention to. Magazines, newspapers, and smartphones work great for that.

I must admit, I have seen this similar type of situation happen with NTs. Last year I saw two of my work colleagues happen to get on the same bus. One of them got on at one stop and then the other one got on a few stops after. They both said hello and she sat next to her, and I heard them say a few words to each other then sat quietly for the rest of the journey. That must have been even more awkward because they were sitting together. I was sitting further back so they both didn't see me.

I think it depends on what sort of person you are. I just get too worried of what the other person is thinking or feeling, and I never know if I should talk more or not. It would be easier if they turned my way and kept saying little things about random things because that would then give me signals that they want to have a conversation with me throughout the journey, which I don't mind at all because I like social interaction. So I find it easier to ask them more questions and chat. But when they go quiet, I never know if it's appropriate to say anything else or not. Maybe a lot of NTs (except for the really extroverted ones) feel like that at times too.

This situation sounded normal to me. Neither of you really had anything to say, so you both bullshitted for a little while, and then the conversation naturally died out.

I know that awkward feeling myself. "Did I say the right things? Was she just being polite? Was I boring? Do I mention this conversation the next time?" You know how it is.

However, I bet your NT friend didn't think anything more of it. Just a normal everyday conversation on a bus.

I know it can be normal, but I sometimes see people yapping away for the whole duration, even if they don't know someone that well. I just don't know what people find to talk about, other than small talk.

I remember a couple of years ago me and my mum was on the bus and one of my brother's friends got on the bus (she wasn't his girlfriend). Both me and my mum knew what she looked like but we didn't really know her that well at all. She sat in the seat behind us and said hello and all of that sort of greeting stuff, and then we went quiet. My mum then kept on turning around to talk to her and I said a bit but they mostly done all the talking. But I felt like I should have talked more because I was the same age as my brother's friend. But my mum told me later that day that she thought she had to talk because she thought I wasn't going to, and she just felt awkward sitting in front of a friend of my brother's and not striking up any conversation the whole time, even though my brother's friend probably might not have minded or even thought anything, but my mum just felt awkward.

Small talk is quite easy, but that's all I do. I'm not very good with getting into deeper/personal conversations, unless I know that person very well. That's why I find it quite hard to build up friendships in the first place.

Happens ALL the time even to NTs. A lot of NTs talk about how horrible the situation is when you meet someone on public transportation that you know well enough to have to say hi to but not well enough to really have anything to talk about. So this is an experience all humans seem to have and dread.

She was part of the problem too. It takes two people to keep it going and she could have asked you more questions and you ask her the same back in return. If she didn't say anything else either, maybe she also didn't know what to say either and also ran out of things to say.

I wish I was that good at small talk. Sometimes my sister and her friend talk so easily with people I get confused about whether they are strangers or their friends.
I can do a bit of small talk but it doesn't tend to last longer than 10-20 seconds and if it does I often pull up some topic of conversation that is usually off putting to most people because it's so random.

A Psychologist (that I began seeing this week) suggested that this small talk has a definitive purpose. As, when you find someone with a common affinity, you can use that as a basis for forming deeper a bond/relationship. Or something like that. The Psychologist also indicated that, when doing small talk, you need show a genuine interest in the other person. Otherwise, that deeper bond will not occur.

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I don't like to talk to strangers or be around them, they make me vary anxious,
I been abused allot by people, so I have a lot of trust issues with people I don't know.
Not only that, but I really don't know what to say, I am not into small talk.
Otherwise Ill chatter away at someone I have known for a long time,

Like today, I had to work around someone new, all day all I wanted to do is get away, had no desire to talk about anything, but I could tell if I didn't it was making him quite uneasy around me as well aggravating the situation, so I tried talking about what we were working on.

I was going to create a very similar thread, but then I noticed this one...

Awkward silence happens to me all the time, and it is impeding my social life very much.

The first example that comes to my mind is the girl that I already talked about in the L&D forum. It's really frustrating because we have both made attempts to approach each other despite being very shy, but we just can't keep a fluent conversation going.

Then there are a number of other people I know IRL who seem quite nice. But unless I have other reasons to talk to them, I just walk past them and nothing happens.

I think this is also the reason why I have never actually managed to make online friends. After exchanging some more or less trivial stuff, there is just nothing left to talk about.

Recently, I wrote an e-mail to a former classmate of mine because his account was apparently hijacked. He replied and asked things like: "How are you doing?" Well, I would like to stay in contact with him, but I have no idea what to tell him.

The problem seems to occur primarily when introverts try to have a conversation. All my friends are much more talkative then me, and I completely rely on them in conversations, and also when it comes planning activities. I have no idea how to "entertain" another human being.

I'm aware even NTs sometimes do this, it's not just aspies that experience it. you can strike up a good conversion then suddenly you run out of things to say and have an awkward moment, or you say the wrong thing and there's an awkward moment.

It happens to me often, most of the time i just brush it off and not let it get to me. I have two very different, polar personality extremes. there's the socially awkward and extremely shy aspie and there's the outgoing socially skilled NT, and I often take myself places that it's disastrous if i was to suddenly 'flip' into aspie mode. It's happened a few times when i'm at a party and I'm with a large group, we're all talking and laughing and I'm very engaged, then I'd suddenly go quiet, there's this awkward silence and I sorta just break the whole conversation! It's so bad i just wish i can die on the spot. My other personality is immune to awkward silences and brushes it off as nothing. He'd recover quickly and start the conversation up again. Pretty much no one knows i'm aspie because most of the time i'm not an aspie at all. It only when i suddenly 'flip' and go aspie that i become aspie again and it almost always happens at the worst possible time ever. it's like my aspie hates me and likes to ruin everything every time!

both personalities are introverts though, I really have no idea how i think when i'm in the other personality. I just do things and i feel comfortable in any situation, even striking up conversations with a total stranger!
I wish I can stay that personality and never be aspie again, being aspie makes me feel so horrible.

I didn't always have this other me, I think it's my solution to being aspie and handling social situations... it just got a bit out of hand and instead of helping it it developed into a whole other person within myself!