Did I get what I deserved?

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Last night one of my oldest friends/associates called Sam made a revelation to me. I have known for 20 years.

Basically I went up to town to look for some associates that I know. As I walked into town I spotted Sam with another friend of mine walking to the bars. I followed them into town and shouted "hey wait up for me". Immediately and throughout the evening I got the vibe that they were not accepting me into there conversations and were not treating me nicely. Also my other associates I saw were quite weary and not as friendly as usual towards me. I followed into some others bars that night. When I followed them into a nightclub at midnight Sam finally lost his cool and said "hey can I have a word with you". I said "yes" and he said to me "listen i am not trying to be rude but for the last 2 months you have been stalking us. "It's not ok and you have to stop doing it" , and he continued "you would get pissed off some followed you around as well" I then said "I will leave". But he insisted i stayed. However only 10 mins later they left the nightclub and wen to another bar to avoid me so I decided to go home.

Sam often speaks his mind and has criticised me for my unemployment and getting drunk on nights out in the past. He has also given me advice on how to manage my Aspergers.


More to the point do you think got what I deserved that night?

I have Aspergers by the way.

1. Did he say that you were more than welcome to join him and his friend? If not then you were inviting yourself.

2. If not then it sounds like he is playing mind games with you.

Either way it sounds like it's time to give him some room if you know what I mean along with maybe you just are not the best fit for each other.

I don't think you "deserved" anything--but at least Sam was honest. He wants to hang out with the people he wants to hang out with.

I know how it feels to want company. In the past, I've done similar things to you; but I learned it wasn't worth it.

Do yourself a favor: Seek out more suitable friends. I've learned, in the absence of friends, to entertain myself. I don't have many friends. I'm a friendly (heterosexual) guy. I speak Aspie things, unabashedly. I'm not one to get intimate with people. I have a wife, though.

The internet's a godsend, really. I could talk to strangers thousands of miles away, about many things under the sun. I feel lonely sometimes, but the internet is better than looking at the four walls.

I hope you find happiness.

What had happened over the past two months from your perspective?

Maybe Sam just needs some space.

maybe you stim in public or something and he finds it embarrassing, is it different when he's not with other friends?

Okay guys no need to make me out to a rude a**hole. I probably knew me approaching them like that in town was embarresing and uncalled for i was just desperate to have a nigh out.

I felt like a second class citizen hanging out with those guys last night excluding me and i don't deserve to be treated that way because i am a good person. I felt so awkward and out of place so cut me some slack okay . Sam should be in my shoes then maybe he would understand stand whats its like to feel isolated all the time. Having friends that used to be so nice then just ostracising you is depressing

It's shocking how us humans treat each other sometimes.

I cannot read between the lines either really. They expect you to. People are on a night out, and feel uncomfortable. You just don't see it. Four hours later, when it is way too late to dissolve a bad situation, a guy tells you to go away. I often think I am just good company, and am just annoying, without knowing it. Nobody really calls me unless they want something. To have someone just call me and say hey, do you want to go do something, for fun, really does not happen much for me anymore.

You said you went to town looking for people, and invited yourself by saying wait for me. You didn't call first, or ask, to be cordial. That can very easily be interpreted as stalking.

For all you know, they could have agenda that they do not want you to know about.

If no one wants to do things with you, and you feel compelled to do these things, you should probably go at it alone. Let life come to you. If no one does, so be it.

I did text one of them first but they did not come back to me like always

Maybe next time don't appear so desperate.

Hey, long time no see, mind If I join you guys for an hour until my mates get into town?

Hang them with for about an hour.... so okay gotta go meet my mates it was nice seeing you guys, maybe we can hang out again another time (but don't leave it as a question and start walking off)

They won't think you are a desperate limpet and might be less hesitant to hanging around with you in future.
If you try to force friendship to fast people will just think your sad, desperate and a bit of a creep.

It's cruel but it's true you need to appear in demand! people will want to hang with you more if they believe others think you are cool

No. If they didn't want to hang out with you, they should have said so sooner. On the other hand, I suppose you know that stupid social custom dictates that people keep quiet and just hope that the other person "gets the hint." If you can't take their hints, when you run into them you can take the initiative to ask them if you can join rather than relying on them to be straight-forward. Of course, social customs being what they are, people may just lie directly to your face then spend the night ignoring you even when you ask.

Funny cause I did say to Sam "you should have told me sooner so I would have backed off"

Even people who have known me for a long time and have heard me talk about my condition and peculiarities will still regularly expect me to have the abilities of an NT. I just try not to take it personally and remind them about my situation.

Yeah, this.

If you spot some friends of yours randomly by accident, it doesn't mean you're welcome to join them. You can say hello to them, and maybe take a quick conversation. (like ask how are they and such) But if they don't choose to invite you to join them, then you need to move on and continue to your own business. It's not personal. People just like to hang out with their friends with varying line-ups.

But that's all I can tell. I don't know what Sam means saying you're been stalking, since I don't know what's been happening there. But if you've been doing this kind of stuff more then.. well, then it's just about that. It's just not good-mannered to stick to people without their invitation or so. If you want to hang out with Sam, first thing you need to do is to bring up the subject (Like text to him and just ask like "Would you like to hang out some day?" or so), and then you two agree a day you'll be seeing each other. And that's that. So, you can spend time with people as long as it's agreed and planned among all.

I would not be so hard on yourself Jamesy. It sounds like you were trying to fit in by getting involved because Sam called you first. While he did not feel comfortable it sounds like they were very rude to you. I also don't think you got what you deserved.

From what it does sound like:
1. Sam did not assert himself with you
2. It sounds like he left things open

If you want to do things the right way:

1. Make a suggestion that you are going to your favorite bar and ask if he would like to meet you there
2. If he declines, find other people at the bar to talk with.

This. Also it doesn't seem like Sam is the type of person you should be hanging out with anyway. A real friend wouldn't ignore you the entire night. It's best to give up on him and focus on people who actually respect you and want to hang out with you.

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