Do you prefer your own company or do you want friends?

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Hi Everyone

My 20 year old son hasn't been diagnosed with Aspergers but he has so many of the traits that I'm certain he is on the spectrum.

My son had one very close friend when he was in high school but he dropped out when he was 16 whereas the friend went on to finish his schooling and now has a job/girlfriend etc so they have lost contact. The only social contacts my son now has are family plus the friends of his 17 year old brother when they come over. He recently started a job in a supermarket and seems to be chatting to the co-workers and getting along with them so that is a relief that he is no longer sitting alone at home all day.

My question is though, do those with Asperger's wish to have a circle of close friends but just have trouble being accepted into a group or do you actually prefer your own company and would rather not have friends visiting/getting you to go out etc? If it is the former, then I will need to see how we can help him develop some friendships but if he truly doesn't want/need friends it would be good to know so that I can perhaps happily leave him alone.

My worry is that when his brother eventually leaves home my asperger's son will be very alone as he and his friends currently provide the only company for him. I have a partner that does not live with me so I'm often at his place but will feel like I'm deserting him if he is all alone. His dad is remarried and does spend time with him 1-2 evenings a week but I'm not sure if that can continue forever either.

Many thanks for any/all thoughts on this subject!

It depends on how I'm feeling....on the days when I'm feeling overwhelmed or overloaded, I prefer my own company, and on the days when I feel relaxed and more able to handle the unexpected, I don't mind chatting with someone online or spending time with one or two other people.

It's not one or the other for me. I want solitude balanced with relationship time. Not either/or.

We used to enjoy having a circle of friends. Now we prefer to be alone 90% of our time. We have found ourselves inviting friends over, only to wish they would leave as soon as they show up.

it depends!
there are many things I like to do on my own, and being too much around people can drive me crazy.
but I love having friends! When we are accepted and cherished it is a wonderful sensation, plus friends are so fun. Everyone wants to feel loved, I guess.

It is kind of weird. I'm lonely and crave friendship, but if someone did come over, I'm anxious for them to leave. I guess it's because it's hard to find someone who I have much in common with. A lot of people I know smoke cigarettes, are straight, and like talking about cars - things I'm not interested in.

IRL I've had acquaintances who would sometimes wanna spend time with me, and as much as our time together wasn't awful, I would definitely have preferred to be home and spend time on my interests. It wasn't all that often, but it was far more often than I wanted. I can only imagine how much more of a problem that would have been if I had friends IRL as they would likely wish to hang even more. I have no wish to hang with people IRL (beyond family).

Online friendships work perfectly. I can be in touch with them exactly when I want (unless there's a technical problem), and they will never intrude on me (which I felt RL acquaintances did) and I can take the time I need with our communication.

"I have no wish to hang with people IRL (beyond family)."

This is the part that worries me - so in the future when my son moves out to live on his own (maybe he never will?) unless he comes over to spend days/nights at either parent's house that might mean he'll be completely alone (apart from when at work, hopefully he keeps this job)?

I guess if he doesn't mind not having friends to hang out with that is fine but he can't really rely solely on spending all weekend with dad for social contact forever?

I guess it is all part of me learning that just because I would hate to be alone, he may be completely happy. I guess the only worry left though is that he would be completely happy to spending most of the weekend hanging out with his dad but I'm sure his dad/dad's wife don't necessarily want him hanging around that much - they have their own life. And as he gets older they are even more likely to develop his own social network rather than rely solely on them/me?

The Squid must say that ourselves (And many other aspies) are generally okay when it comes to being alone, as long as we have our hobbies. The Squid can go for months at a time without contact from a friend. We do however work about 80 hours a week which is more than enough social contact with the outside world for us. One thing we have noticed however, is that many aspies never break the bond with our parents. We find the time to go visit our mother every other week, and spend the day with her (She lives two states away, or it would be more often) Even when we do not wish to see or speak with anyone else, we ALWAYS find time to spend with our mother. Your son may have the same connection with his father. We are not sure how your son will react if his father informs him that he cannot visit as often as he likes.

What we can say, is that when we are fine with being alone, we act like we have always acted. If your son seems to have no problems being alone, and enjoying his hobbies, he will be fine. In our experience, when we have craved social interaction, but cannot find any, we become depressed. If you notice your son losing interest in his hobbies, or experiencing depression symptoms, you should talk to him to find out what is wrong. We suggest you encourage him to bring a co-worker home to hang out with, or perhaps find out if there is a convention nearby that showcases his hobbies. There are conventions about everything nowadays. It will do him some good to go, and meet people who enjoy what he enjoys. Perhaps he will pick up a phone number or two?

To reiterate, you and his father will always be a part of his social network. If he is not finding anyone else to become friends with, it's because he's not in the right place. Conventions and events are great, because we are so passionate about the things we love. If your son seems fine around the house by himself, it's probably because he is fine. If you don't already have any, perhaps a pet may be just enough for him. Someone he can talk to about about anything, and who will always be there with him.

My mother has said the same of me. We go out and do things friends normally do (Eat lunch, go to movies, attend renaissance fairs.)

It's important to honor one's mother.

I find it difficult to honor mine sometimes; she's a socially-driven Martinet.

However, she did give birth to me LOL