I was diagnosed at 11 with aspergers syndorme, tbh nothing really came of it, I had aspergers and that was that, mainstream school, typical college and every day work. Naturally i tried to fit in, tried to work myself around my difficulties and differences, basically tried to fit in. through school I basically kept to myself but had moments of just hating how things were, so I tried to fit! but then I thought.. this wasn't for me, I mean.. it wasn't me! and repeat, I was happy being myself, having my moments, having my space and having my own way of doing things, seeing things and thinking things through, saying that, I still missed the norm, the majority, so I still went through that phase of.. fitting in, atleast trying to.
Now, i'm 24 and I fit in.. but I know it's just a mask, it's not me.. but I've trained myself to react, treat and come across ways which is now just a reaction, it's not natural, it's just how I've trained myself to react.. to atleast feel i'm part of this world, I mean, of course i'm part of this world but.. part of the majority, to the point that it's not just me. I know there are others like me but.. until this world gets smaller or my finances get better, it is just me.
Point is, I don't like not being me anymore, I don't like reacting and thinking the way I should be is NT. I don't want to be a minority, i don't want to be different, i want to fit in but.. most of all I just want to be myself, over all that, and what i've gone through and what i've done to feel something, it's just.. not me. So, now i've tried to step back and just, be myself.. I don't know what me anymore, I don't know if I react one way because I genuinely feel that way or it's because that's how i've been taught to be.
Has anyone else had this identity problem?
06 Aug 2014, 4:39 pm
