What are excuses when someone wasn't inviting you?

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Hi:
I was wondering how many of you have been shut out of social events growing up? Rather than being honest with you what were some of the big excuses that you got?

For me it was :
1. "I could only have three guests."
2. "We forgot to invite you to my daughter's birthday party."
3. "It happened at the last minute."
4. "My mom likes you a lot but it under a lot of stress but does not feel like dealing with my hyperactivity in addition to yours."
5. "The event was 100 miles away."
6. "I didn't know that you wanted to come."
7. "I did not want you to ruin my event." (They thought it was okay to ruin mine).
8. "I don't think you are going to like what we are going to do at the party"

Last edited by Summer_Twilight on 05 Oct 2014, 2:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I've heard excuses for shutting me out as an adult, but if I heard excuses growing up, I don't recall them.

I generally was not invited to participate, however.

Most people simply did not talk to me (nor I to them).

Recent excuses:

1. I was trying to hand out invitations to my spouses surprise party but my spouse kept following me around everywhere

2. Just call if you aren't sure what is going on

It would be better to use the plain truth instead of excuses. But people are afraid to do so because usually the reaction to that is a bad one. In my opinion excuses aren't better.

Other ones I have heard

1. I did not invite you because I had asked my other friends if I could and they said no.
2.My parents would not let me in invite you

I am always grateful not to have been invited and ask no questions.

Did anyone get invited to things until a certain age?

For me it was at 10 when I started getting shunned.

I heard #2 in high school but don't know if it was genuine forgetting or an excuse. It seemed like an excuse at the time though because the girl and I had recently sort of reconnected at a camp and had been writing or calling on the phone a few times and I had even gone to her house once or twice. Looking back I think I may have said something that made her mom not like me. I don't remember what it was exactly that I did or said, but I just got this impression that I had messed up. It was pretty hurtful. It seems illogical that she could have forgotten to invite me to her daughter's surprise party given the circumstances but maybe she actually did.

When I was a kid people wouldn't come to social events if we were going to be there because they didn't like my dad. My best friend in elementary school was not allowed to come to my house because her dad thought my dad was weird.

For me, it started in school at about 7th grade. I went to a very small school with only a handful of girls and when you are the only one (there might have been one or two others; I don't recall) not invited to a party, you know it isn't because they forgot. You know it is deliberate. And it really hurts to hear them talking about it at school and laughing and stuff; makes you feel like crap. I remember going to a birthday party when I was in maybe fifth or sixth grade and the girl's grandma had a cat. I kept playing with it, roughly, because a lot of cats like that and I kept holding her in my lap. The grandma told me like three times to leave the cat alone before I finally did. I guess I just really wanted the cat and also I may have just thought the grandma didn't understand that the cat liked it or didn't believe her that she wanted me to leave it alone or something. But when I finally got the message that she really didn't want me messing with the cat, I had to hide the tears and felt stupid for being there. I was probably glad to leave when it was over. I still feel horrible about that incident. I know I was very uncomfortable around her grandma after that; it's like I got some sort of weird PTSD from it.

In college I was trying to learn how to be and trying to make connections with people outside of classes and the structure you find in classes so I went to this one group. There were plenty of cliques and secret meetings that people tried to speak quietly about around others, especially me, though they'd act nice and friendly and welcoming. Once I happened to walk in on a conversation about a "secret" meeting and I was there so they felt like they had to invite me. I had known about the "secret" meetings already and they had never bothered to bring it up before then to me and the guy who asked said it as an aside, you know, where they tell you the time and day but it's like he's holding his breath? And you know it isn't normal because you know how he speaks to and invites other people to things? Well, I didn't go to the "secret" meetings to spare them and also because I knew that I really wasn't one of them and wasn't the sort of person they wanted around and I didn't want to be like them anyway. But it still hurts.

I had situations in one high school where I was supposed to be friends with this groups of students from special education. None of them had AS or anything. Instead of excuses they would not call or invite me anywhere and I go no excuses. Rather one of them had come given me hints and inferences by way of bragging about what he and the others did over the weekend.

"Hey guess what me and person T and B went to see this movie and eat at that restaurant."

i do not get invited to events that do not involve my family anymore, but i remember once in 9th grade, some acquaintances of mine that i had known for about a year decided to hold a new years party at the house of someone they were close with, but was not too fond of me. i asked if i could go, it would be the very first time i would go to the house of someone that was not in my family and i was rejected. most of the others did not care if i went or not but one insisted i did. now i think the reason he did not want me in his castle was this.

back then i was a lot more boisterous and stim‐y and in your face than i am now, and i certainly earned my title of resident spaz so i could see why he did not want me to intrude into his teen new years party. also, he was upper class but i don't think it matters too much.

well, thanks to the help of the one person who thought i would have been the life of the party (lmao, i stayed inside reading books on ADD) i showed up anyway. he was very visually spooked. i sort of enjoyed it, did not have an especially great time but it was a pretty nice little experience, i'm sure he was informed of my behind‐back invitation and i would have regretted it if i declined. i don't think he had a grudge on me afterwards but he left for another school the next year and i haven't seen or heard of him since.

actually, i don't keep in touch with anyone from that clique anymore really, but i still see the "inviter" occasionally.

......

....

most times when i get rejected, i am invited to an event, and the date is planned, but i usually do not have any way to physically get there and when i inquire about transportation or even where it is, i get no response, i'm left in the dark and of course i don't go. perhaps coincidentally, when i do have transport (these things are never close) i'm not informed of the place.

Here's my favourite: I was captaining a Dodgeball team and thought of them as good friends. I announced I was starting a team for the next season (in person) and to get money together so I can formally submit it. Everyone was smiling and agreeing until I got an email the next day from "J". Essentially, I liked that team and everyone seemed to like each other (even me). It said:

"Please don't take this the wrong way as I had a great time with XYZ......... I enjoyed our team this year but have decided to accept an offer to join another team. L, S and R are joining me as well. I also invited J to join us because there is only one Acadian on the team and I want her to feel welcome."

I know not everyone knows what an Acadian is but essentially it is someone with French heritage, usually from eastern Canada (not Quebec). Almost all of them speak perfect English without any foreign accents as well. It has ZERO relevance to a Dodgeball team especially in a multi-cultural city! Basically, substitute "brown eyes" for Acadian and you will understand what an absurd thing it was to say. So, he "suddenly" invited (and got acceptance) from ALL the regulars within a few hours AND got a cash commitment.

I never felt so betrayed! Obviously everyone spoke and met behind my back and knew when I met them in person already and I bent over backwards to captain the team. I would have much rather preferred the one I heard in school "nobody likes you and we would murder you if we could" to that 100% pure BS excuse.

I also heard this one more than once dating:
Me: So, are you free this evening?
Her: Well, I have a movie date with the girls but if that ends early I will call you!

Why do people do this? Don't they know how unbelievably rude and inconsiderate that is? It doesn't spare anyone's feeling it just makes rejection sting ten times harder!

I lived with a housemate more than a decade ago who was so much older than I was and had lived on her own much longer too. She was frustrated with me that I did not pick up on certain things fast enough. Then I was so much younger than she was and moved in at age 20. She was mad that I wasn't her age or not even 21.

One time she made two terrible excuses

1. She was having a birthday party and I was not invited because I was not 21 and older and asked me to stay out of the rest of the house.

2. Then the whole birthday party and people over there was an excuse letting me know that she did not want me around when she was home.

That was my experience as well. I just presumed it was because I moved to another province. Looking back, I realize it was inevitable once I hit Junior High no matter where I was. At least back then, then usually flat out said that "nobody likes you and you aren't welcome" rather than the BS excuses I hear today. I once had a guy in school I barely know and had no issues with randomly come up to me and tell me point blank he would murder me if he could get away with it. I actually appreciated his honesty!

I also had a end of year hockey party last April. I later found out I was the ONLY one out of 24 that was not invited (someone's adult kid invited me instead). I doubt that was another 'accident'. Maybe they thought I didn't drink (I do) but they could have at least asked me!


As I said above, maybe they could have just ASKED you if you were interested! What a concept!!

As for the whole "You are not going to like what we do" thing mainly came about when there drinking was involved. Both times I heard that excuse I and the peers who refused to invite me were under age.


Then I can think of another time where I was at a church wide New Year's Party where they had a chili cook off and talent show about 11 years ago. There were some women from a singles group who I wanted to connect with. One of them invited several of the singles to watch an event downtown. I said I was interested. All of them looked at me and said "Well are going to be gone for a long time. We can take you down there but there will be a full car when we return. Do you think you aunt can bring you home?"

Those responses told me they were not interested in me.

Number 7 is not an excuse, it is brutal honesty.

I can't recall the excuses but I think that there've been several occasions where I've been invited out of politeness or because they didn't feel like being brutally honest and not inviting me when they'd be inviting everyone else. I also think they didn't expect me to come. I only attended parties etc where I knew I could be for a (short) while and was relatively welcome and felt like visiting. I also think that it helped them to simply not tell me about it so that there'd be no need for excuses. I've seen others bluntly being not invited though.... but those were different situations.

Perhaps I'm not hated, nor popular, but simply tolerable.