Do I apologize too much?

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After seeing the doctor, I wait in line to pay.
I am third in line, then second, and then finally...

RECEPTIONIST: This is the wrong window, you should have went to the other window, but I'll take your payment anyway.

ME: Oh, thanks, sorry about that.

LADY BEHIND ME IN LINE: Why are you saying sorry? Never apologize honey.

ME: Huh...Why not?

LADY BEHIND ME IN LINE: Because it makes you look ....
... (searching for words) ... it makes you look ... just don't do it.

ME: Hmmm.....

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So I got to thinking, do I apologize too much? Maybe so. I'm always saying sorry. I noticed most people don't say 'sorry' as much as I do. Some people NEVER say it; alot of people will never say 'Sorry', no matter what they might have just done.

I've been given these advices in the past:
1) Apoligizing makes you look weak(huh? why? I would think sensible).
2) Apologizing makes you look stupid (because you admit to an error).
3) Apologizing makes you look insecure(I would think the opposite!!?).
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Deeper into the tunnel:

Sometimes I apologize for things that aren't even my fault. Sometimes I confess to things I didn't even do. Wait not really, I don't really do that.

What I mean instead is ....

Ok let's say something has been done, like some stuff got stolen, at work or where ever. I didn't and wouldn't ever do that, but I get so nervous just thinking that maybe somebody will think I did it, that I start to act guilty. Maybe similar go getting nervous around police for no reason.

OK enough about me, sorry about that.

Love Always,
Some Crazy Messed-up Dude on the Internet

jus be honest in all that you do, if you are in the wrong then by all means say sorry... but to lie to someone is wrong... then you DO have somthing to say sorry about...

Don't worry too much about it. It's ok to say you are sorry about some things such as that. Don't ever admit to something that you didn't do though. That's my opinion on that.

It sounds like she was trying to describe (and failing) some hidden social meme.

ret*d? Stupid? Servile? What's the adjective? She couldn't think of it, perhaps, because there is no meaning for it beyond the underlying semantics of the NT brain.

You simply apologized for something, thinking you made a mistake, on the basis of this rule: if I make a mistake, apologize.

But don't just brush this off as others have suggested. It's a social skill you may need, to be able to avoid situations like this.

I don't think there's anything wrong with apologizing for something you legitimately made a mistake on. I would have done the same in the pay line situation. It just seems to be the polite and courteous thing to do. I don't think it makes you look weak or insecure - maybe just humble but there's nothing wrong with that.

It isn't a good idea to apologize for things you didn't do though. Definitely stand up for yourself if you're in the right and don't let people walk all over you because that will make you look weak.

I can relate to that situation. I get like that too and I'm not sure why - maybe because I'm nervous around people anyway and then I'll be worried that they misinterpret the nervousness as signs of guilt. I get paranoid when leaving stores because I know people get watched closely for shoplifting. Its totally irrational though since I've never stolen anything and never would. I get nervous when driving and there is police car around too. I think part of it is assuming every movement is going to be scrutinized. I wish I could just shut off that part of my brain that does that.

You need to learn how to control that nervousness when you aren't doing anything wrong. If you don't it will get you in trouble. It used to happen to me. It still happens to a friend who I think has AS. It gets you into bad situations and can make you look guilty of things you didn't do. Just know that if the police car is behind you follow all traffic rules and quit reflecting on that time 5 years ago that you speeded slightly or whatever it is you are feeling guilty about because the cop is likely not psychic.

You might want to adjust your speed or your lane when the cop is behind you so that he may get around you. A lot of times when you feel they are lurking behind you they are trying to get you to move so they may pass. They get this idea that they should be able to speed to get to the donut shop for instance because they are the cops. OR they may be quietly tailing someone who's license plate they recognized who is a wanted criminal. OR they may be late for a meeting at the police station. So quit worrying because they aren't after you if you aren't doing anything.

You guys are confusing chivalry and honor with living in the real world. Even if something is your fault you don't always aplogize for it. Maybe if you are in an argument with girlfriend ok. But a lady at a ticket counter you don't apologize too or admit its your fault unless you are like in the Tennessee or similar place still living in the old days. I get the impression the person standing in line was in some place like Brooklyn. In the big city apologizing is a sign of weakness. Its just like the dog that lays down and shows its belly. It is a display of wimpiness and you don't do that in certain places. In the South you have to show your manners when associating with the older generation, but anywhere else or with the young set do not show too much manners. It will get your ass kicked. It is also why Aspie guys scare women off. The best response to the b***h telling him he was in the wrong line is to say "well is there a sign that says what this line is for" but make damn sure there isn't a sign in front of your nose when you say that or just give her a hateful, cold, hard, icy stare like you don't give a damn what she says. And she will respect you more in the city.

I say sorry all the time, but I don't mean it as an apology much of the time. This seems to freak people out.

This is not dysfunctional it's increasing your social acceptation ability.

You should hear my kids answering the phone. Exact, Polite, Correct, then they run to the person called, not caring if he/she is on the toilet or in the shower. I don't know how many times I've called my Ex in the shower or her being on the "white seat" and vice versa...

Accept it. Say that you're sorry and ask kindly if you could get helped anyway so you don't miss the bus or anything like that. I usualy say that "I'm sorry, but I'm in a hurry because my shaver must get 100 mileage service"... Then I get attention and laughters from the queue.

Well, "I'm Swedish" also works...

Yep, I think this is what happened. I think the problem is that it's not always clear whose fault something is, or if it's anybody's fault, or if there is really even a problem. So I just say sorry alot because I am trying to avoid or defuse any potential problems before they blow up. I dunno, maybe...

I never really thought about it like that, but I really operate according to rules, and that's one thing that makes me not NT. Not just with social interactions, but also I'm very nitpicky about rules of driving, or following procedures exactly at work.

NT's don't have to follow rules, they just know when it's OK to break rules and when when it's not OK. Or maybe really there are no rules and we just think there are, and that's why we get burnt?

Or maybe (I think this is it) there are rules but they are very very complex and nuanced and I just have a learning disability when it comes to social interaction. So I can only learn very simple rules. But an NT just learns the rules instinctively from a very young age, the same way people learn the "rules" of how to walk and talk.

I might have to just accept the fact that I'm never going to be able to learn all the rules intellectually, like by memorizing them or whatever. So I will never be able to communicate as completely as NT's. I will always reach a point in the conversation where I either have a flawed rule and do something inappropriate, or I will have no rule at all for the situation and I will return a blank, stunned, look.

Am I right?

I apologize overtly all the time.

Once is almost too much for me.

It's not that you shouldn't ever apologize or anything like that. Apologizing is good, and helps resolve things peacefully. Rather, though, be more careful when you apologize. Try to learn when it is appropriate and when it isn't.

Like, if you messed up slightly, there's no need. Apologizing for a minor mistake just makes you look like a menial subject, asking for forgiveness.

But if you messed up greatly, go ahead. It may even be necessary to peacefully return to normal life.

qft

Some tactics. I'm sorry is for situations where the action effects in a way at odds with the intent. It is often appended with "I did not mean to do that", when intent might be misconstrued.

"I wont do it again" is even better at times, when you do something deliberate, but it was the wrong thing. Often employers like hearing this.

Often I make a joke of it:

me: I'm sorry.
them: thats alright.
me: ok. Can I do it again then?
them: haha!

An apology is a great time to be literal. In fact, messing up and taking responsibility for it is a great way to earn at least grudging respect. One word you dont want to use in an apology is "but". "i'm sorry i did that, but..." invalidates any sympathy. Its a false apology.

When that lady said she would take your money anyway, a good response would be something like "I appreciate you going out of your way for me." That shows class.

The NT lady was afraid of showing signs of weakness, but often the greatest strengths come from being humble.

I apologize too much. I even apologize when it's somebody else's fault, e.g. if somebody treads on my toes. Then I feel like a fool afterwards. Which maybe I am!