Are neurotypicals just oblivious?

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I have a friend. I have been friends with her for years. I have explained to her all the weird things that bother me and that I basically can’t tolerate. I’ve told her things about how I don’t like to go somewhere thinking I’m going to be hanging out with her but then there are other people around who I don’t know. So I’m totally unprepared. I talk about it a lot cause I have to explain myself all the time and I have to (lately) emphasize this CRAZY concept to her that not everyone smiles when they’re happy. Happy looking things with bright colors and fake smiles don’t make everyone happy. The same things don’t make everyone happy.

On the topic of empathy……..
I spent the night at her house. That night I slept on an air mattress that was a little deflated and it ended up making my neck and shoulders (that are sensitive in general) hurt. It was distracting me a lot and I wanted to go home. I told her at about 3pm that I wanted to go home cause my neck hurt. She had to wait until she wasn’t stoned to take me home (so she could drive). So she waited for about another hour. Then she announces that she has to go to a party later and so she needs to get ready for it now and she hopes that I don’t mind waiting. I know that she takes forever to get ready so I’m trying not to be a b***h and be all demanding and say, “No, you take forever to get ready. I’m not feeling well, can you please take me home now?” I wanted to go home and sleep very much. I was also getting hungry and I turn even more impatient when I’m hungry.

So, I assume that she’s getting ready cause she goes into her bedroom. I don’t hear any noises to indicate that she’s moving around or anything. Then she comes out of her room like, 30 minutes later saying that she just finished paying her phone bill and NOW she’s going to get ready. After that it took her about two hours to put clothing on and to put makeup on and put a braid in her hair. I could have gotten ready in like, 20 minutes and looked the same as she did. I’ve never related to the whole, spending hours to get ready thing. And it annoyed me even more cause she said herself that she didn’t really want to go. I think it’s stupid when people do things they don’t want to. And I was really hungry so I was just cursing everything at that point. She kept coming out of the bathroom asking me how she should do her hair and I’m really not into talking at this point. I’m about to say something like, “I don’t f*****g care!! I just want to go home so I can eat some food and take a f*****g naaaaap!” I hadn’t eaten since about 11am and at this point it was 5pm.

So she finally is done getting ready. But she has to ask me about which flare or swag or whatever she should wear with her outfit. And I just don’t care!! !! !! ! I never care when people ask me things like that. It’s your identity!

Anyway, I wouldn’t ever make a friend sit for two hours after telling me their chronic pain is acting up, that they’re tired and hungry and ready to go home...so that I could go to a stupid party that I didn’t even REALLY want to go to. She also does this thing where when she comes over I will tell her that I'm getting hungry or tired or something and she won't leave......she'll stay until she's ready to go. I don't know how to tell her I need her to leave and that I want to be alone now, without hurting her feelings. Even though I have already explained to her why I live the way that I do. She wants to "help" me and change me into liking things that are "happy". Happy techno (cause I like dark techno music) you know...stuff like that. Like, I'm not going to change so suddenly that I actually want to f*****g whip and nae nae. I will never do anything like that.

But then sometimes I wonder...is she just saying she doesn’t really want to go because she knows that I’m not into parties and just wants to fit the situation in that way?

Can't think of a way to answer your post, but all you've got to know is that empathy does not define NTs. Once you bear this in mind, you will feel less confused and angry each time an NT does something selfish or doesn't appear to be considering other people's feelings. It's what I had to do.

I have an example too. My mum's friend came round for dinner, and she hates cats. Then coincidentally my mum's sister in law came round, who loves cats, and she was really upset because her cat had died that morning of old age. And my mum's friend laughed, just because she doesn't like cats. My mum's sister in law looked even more upset. I think that was unempathetic of my mum's friend to laugh carelessly at somebody else's loss, just because *she* doesn't like cats.

The friendship doesn't seem to be working for you so ending it is probably best.

It would seem to me that she's doing this to annoy me, to mess with my mind.
She knows I'm tired so she thinks she can do whatever she wants in her sadistic endeavor.
Just reading this gets me all worked up...

Ha, i guess this does work--i never posted before so i am trying it out--but i do have a couple thoughts for you too on topic. I tell my hubby that i am not friendship material. Stuff like you are describing bugs the snot out of me too. And NT females just DO this stuff--the random, no planning annoyingness-- and it bugs the snot out of us aspies. We need planning and predictability or we feel like the world is falling apart. All my friends tend to disappear after a time--i think my aspie traits are usually too much for them to handle. I get somewhat lonely but i have a friend i chat with by phone (so she still loves me because the aspie ness is diluted via phone) and an older friend/mentor that i can go to when the world is too much to handle. So i am lucky i think, compared to some aspies. I have been married for years, so i am past the stage of staying over at friends' houses. But, if this helps, i will tell you what i do when i do need to deal with people for a lengthy time such as travel or visiting...i take nothing for granted. i do my best not to set myself up to be dependent on someone for a ride etc (unless of course it is unavoidable) and i take things along for my own comfort. Such as book, crocheting (i get bored easily or if i need to tune out annoying NT crap that they thrive on), my cozy sweatshirt or blanket (i like to be wrapped up in something) or pillow if i am going to be possibly sleeping there. Or i drive myself and leave as soon as humanly possible if i go crazy with noise and activity around me. (Recently i took a giant fat textbook to a bar because hubby wanted to watch football and i wanted to be with him but needed something to tune out the world for some of the time. Host actually struck up a conversation about the book which was kind of cool because i thought no one would seek me out--i definitely did not look like your typical football wifey/barfly. Nite still got long but it was tolerable.) Bottom line after my aspie rambling is that a little planning ahead to take care of yourself will go a long way. If you must be dependent on others, take everything but the kitchen sink if you need to, to make things tolerable. They do not know and probably will never understand how hard it can be to be an aspie in an NT world. If they understand, tell them. If not, take care of you and just ignore odd glances. But a cozy sweatshirt, your own pillow, and your book or knitting may be a lifesaver. So what if they question it. You don't have to explain yourself or talk if you don't feel like it (sometimes i go silent by choice and it helps)...but a book or sewing may give you something to talk about to help an otherwise awkward situation. Anyway, it has helped me to do this. hope this helps you too. And if this friend bugs you anyway, maybe you can find other plans next time she wants to hang out. Like rearranging your sock drawer or something. Ehhhh, maybe this is why my friends drift away...

^ You sound like an amazing woman. What a pity that you're already taken heh.
I actually did this in middle and high school, but somehow forgot about it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and reminding me of this.

Thanks for the compliment Earthling. Yeah, already taken for years and very happy with hubby. He has enough aspie traits that we get along well. Not sure if he would test on the spectrum and he would never get tested i am sure. Nurse Angela, i think this is where as an aspie i (and others too) are often misunderstood by NTs. I have been accused of a lot of "negativity" in the past but when dealing with aspies you have to realize we are not malicious by nature even though to an NT it comes across very negatively. I have had so many people assume to know what i was thinking--but they were way off the mark because they were looking through an NT lens. Any negative view i have of NTs is because of rejections by one person after another over a period of 15 years or so--probably longer but as a child i was oblivious for the most part. But I always give someone a chance, not writing them off immediately because of being an NT. I truly did try and i was usually the one to make the first phone call, set up outings, etc. But after being the one talked about behind my back in groups, or left out when everyone else was in their little cliques, i finally gave up on trying to be friends with other ladies, at least in group settings. I just can't master the social norms no matter how hard i try. I always end up saying something foolish and i go through group social settings in constant fear of this. It is not worth the tremendous effort just to be rejected in the end anyway. On top of that, i get panic attacks in large groups and it is all just too hard. But this is not something that you can see initially--i can look at first like i fit in. A hidden disability is hard because people expect "normal" from you and don't make allowances when you can't do it. If you can do that for your aspie friends, that is valuable. They probably appreciate it more than they can express.

I think I'm just at this point in my life where I REALLY need to put some effort into meeting people who are actually like me. Cause I've never done that. Never been part of a group of friends. I don't know what that feels like but it looks fun in movies. I would love to have friends who just.....UNDERFUCKINGSTAND. Excuse my nonfrench.

I think i understand your french. It is ok, no worries. However, i too have looked for a group where i fit in and it has not happened although i am in my 30's. I have been part of multiple friend groups in my life and i turn out to be the odd one, the one talked about behind my back, or the one hung out to dry in a conflict. I have found my most successful friendships are one or two people at a time, not in a group. I have a friend whom i got to know through our children being friends (we both have aspie children), another dear friend who babysits my kiddos at times, and a long-distance friend i talk to often on the phone. Also a good mother who, although she doesn't understand some of the aspie things, is supportive and kind. I enjoy her company so she is a big part of my life. Also my mother-in-law and two of my sister-in-laws, though they too are NTs, can at times fill a friendship need.

I can't say across the board that aspie friends are less stressful--i have family members who are aspies who try my patience and good will because of their high anxiety levels. I find they are not very dependable people as far as following through on plans, etc; they also tend to lean on me in crisis and while i am happy to help, they also create needless drama and I can't handle much of that. I love them dearly but limit my time with them.

I think you have to evaluate friendships on an individual basis and decide if this person is worth keeping close to your heart. If you have been friends for years, you may not want to cut ties. But i would think maybe you should limit time with her if it is stressing you out this much. And prepare yourself to the teeth when you do hang out together. Just my 2 cents on that.

As far as finding friends who understand, I would say look for individuals with similar interests rather than just in social settings such as parties, bars, etc. I am rather a nerd and I make friends better with people I work with, whether it be a paying job or a hobby. It takes the focus off of pure social interaction and how i come across. I earn respect by what i can do, not how awkward i am or am not. (because i have the capacity to be quite awkward. )