Tips on Meeting New People?

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so i’ve been without social contact for several years. i know i’m not the easiest to socialize with, as i get nervous and am prone to panic attacks that can’t be hidden easily, plus i lose my train of thought and can’t form proper sentences, but i think i “look” neurotypical. as in, i force myself into form fitting feminine clothes and heavy makeup to distance myself from my natural comfortable state. i have noticed people tend to assume i’m autistic more if i am more “masculine” presenting, if that makes sense. i tend to act weird/“off” around new people and don’t know how to keep it cool, but despite my agoraphobia i know i need to make friends.

with all of these things in mind, do you have any tips for someone wanting to attempt to meet people? i don’t have a way of getting an ID, so i can’t go places where adults typically hang out. i get asked to come to peoples houses all the time on tinder, but that makes me really nervous too and they ghost me when i say i’d rather chat at a cafe first. if i were to meet at a cafe with someone, what are some things i can do to ease the situation? what if i can’t breathe like i do when i talk to people? what if i start to dissociate? what if i want to leave? i’m so lost.

offer to teach ESL at the library. I know someone with agrophobia who did that. Worked for them.

I'm struggling with the same thing and I've been thinking about a possible way to view this.

Over time, people can become used to someone else. On the other hand, Aspies struggle with our external presentation as we have a poorer "theory of mind", at least if that's how the term is supposedly used. Basically, we struggle to understand how someone from the outside is seeing us, so we rapidly change our behavior based on our mood. Most people also change their mood rapidly, but do not change their behavior because they are more in sync with how others are perceiving them and learn from a young age to behave in the same way.

Example: You meet a friend, but on day 1 you are very depressed. You will be flat and cold, but since first impressions count he will think this is how you are permanently. The next time you see him, you might be very happy, and he will see this as an odd behavior. Over time, this gives off a presentation of neuroticism and instability, even if you yourself are a very stable person. This person will distance themselves from you without even knowing they are doing it, and on top of that, the uneasiness this person experiences will be communicated to those around them if you are present using social cues.

So my ultimate tip: Both be aware of how you behave around others, at least to your best ability, and on top of that, don't let what they think about you dictate what you think of yourself. You have to give signals to them that you want to behave a certain way and there's a chance they will listen after you know them more personally.

Maybe it would help to be honest about your social anxiety before you meet said person. Also, I would recommend going to a cafe beforehand for practice. And maybe just order a drink and talk to your server. It doesn't have to be an in depth conversation but it will give you practice in meeting someone new (and the server has to talk to you ).

It might help to try joining a club/group for activities your interested in. You could also try joining a support group for people with various mental issues assuming there are some in your area that you can find.

I'll tell you one time I froze up at a friend's house when I couldn't think of anything positive or funny that most people like. My friend was trying to get me to joke and I was very poker face at that moment.