How Can I Be A Better Friend?

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Hi WrongPlanet members,

I am a neurotypical high-schooler whose best friend recently disclosed to me that she has Aspergers. I have been doing a lot of research on ASD, but few sources seem to discuss how to maintain friendship with an autistic individual. Can you guys tell me how do you guys want a friend to help? I have a hard time relating to others as well, and being a self-proclaimed "outcast", I also have some, albeit much less severe, social problems. We have vastly different interests (and music tastes ), and sometimes I can be nearly as obsessive about certain topics as her, and she wouldn't be interested but would still try to listen. She loves to stick to routines and hates excitement, while I participate in lots of competitive extracurriculars to find exciting things in life, so I feel that sometimes the things I talk about might be overwhelming her, but she is just too polite to say (she has been doing social therapy since she was little, so she doesn't have that big of a problem with social cues). I try to have fun with her without making her feel nervous, and always take note of the things she find interesting and fun. She said that me just being there is enough, but I often sense that she craves help. Also, we have huge cultural differences, so that's another barrier; she can be not so understanding about my preferences on cultural things because she has a hard time seeing past the black and white, but she is actually a very considerate person, and I try to see past the autism and see her as an individual, but sometimes her comments about me doing certain cultural things can hurt. I sometimes feel really stressed after being with her, and I feel that she might be feeling that I'm a bit too much as well. How can I make it so that we both feel good and not feel stressed about each other? We like each other very much and I want to know if some of the things I do might be making her feel overwhelmed or if I am just paranoid. Thank you so much!


Love,

AR

I'm NT. I think the two of you are too opposite. You probably will want to be as interested as possible in her "likes" because I think Aspies have a hard time staying focused on something if they don't find it interesting. Dont' be spur-of-the-moment friend by asking her if she wants to do things unplanned - make plans ahead of time. By what you said I don't think she likes a lot of "small talk". If she doesn't like excitement, then do something that's low-key like the movies or something. I don't think it's going to be ever a "stress-free" friendship because you two are so opposite, but I bet she'll be as loyal of a friend as you have ever had.

I really wish you would get more feedback from the Aspies here. Keep checking back.

Tony Attwood on youtube might have some more info for you too. And keep reading as many books as you can.

I have a few friendships like that, except I'm always the autistic one. I have one friend with an autism diagnosis (that I know of) but most of my friends are people who have at least some autistic traits and are generally outcasts with some social problems who are often quite understanding about my weirdness. From what you have described about yourself you do seem like that kind of person.

I'm not sure how well this applies to other aspies, but this is my experience.

I have one friend in school who has quite a lot of autistic tendencies. Our interests are mostly different but there is a bit of overlap. I do enjoy hearing him talk about what he is interested in, especially considering that neither of us are any good at starting conversations so we often go an entire lunch hour without saying a word to each other. Any conversation at all is an improvement on that. I'm not bothered at all when he talks about one of his interests that I don't share.

I have another friend who lives in the European Union. He has a lot of autistic tendencies, but if he is autistic then it's definitely much more mild then my autism. We have some cultural differences and the 8 hour time difference doesn't help, but despite this he is probably the only friend that I would talk to about a hard thing going on in my life, and he sometimes talks to me about hard things going on in his life. If your friendship is not at that point then I suggest you push to make it like that because it would strengthen the friendship a lot and it would give you more to talk about that's not just your interests. A word of warning though, we often have trouble understanding what to do when someone tells us a bad experience they had or something, so don't be too offended or supprised if she responds a bit weird.

So what can a friend do to help me? The number one thing is being understanding of my weirdness because it allows me to let my guard down a bit. Trying to act normal takes a lot out of me, and I really appreciate it if someone doesn't judge me for being weird. It's also great if they are direct about things, because despite studying emotional expression while learning to do animation I still sometimes have trouble figuring out if people enjoy my company or are tolerating my existence.

Anyway, that's my experience with this. I wish you the best of luck with your friendship!

She may not need help as you 'sense' it. Autistic don't communicate emotions with body language and face expression. People often think I need help when I'm relaxed and think I'm fine when I'm stressed out.

Otherwise just let things happen, friendship needs time to develop, don't force it or get yourself all worked up about 'being there for her'.

Oh, another thing that NTs don't get is that because I don't have many social things going on, I must feel horribly lonely and depressed, when I am perfectly fine like that and if anything I may need some practical help like with moving sofa across the room.