Negotiating and Social Skills

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When I read this article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/renate-cunneen/the-art-of-negotiation_1_b_9480210.html?, I thought, "uh oh, this could be really hard for people on the spectrum." It's hard for everyone, NT included.

According to the article:

I know that listening skills can be taught. I actually was taught how to do "active listening" when I volunteered for a crisis hotline. But relationship skills and seeing the other person's point of view is hard for everyone, even NT.

I liked this article because it gave concrete examples of negotiating, by showing dogs. I can relate to dog behavior because I've owned dogs.

However, this article is not perfect. I had two dogs who constantly fought for dominance. It was usually the smaller dog who fought the bigger dog, and she usually ended up all beaten up. So I guess, it's not as simple as the article shows. However, this is a concrete example of negotiation, and it might help someone.

I have noticed a lot online how people don't seem to get different perspectives and they are also black and white because they expect everyone to handle things the same way as them and have the same coping skills and that they have the same life experience as them and same background. Then they don't listen to the other side when they are told. I thought this was only found in autism but I see it in NTs too. For example, the rich don't understand the poor. They think they can just get out of it. They think they can just save their money and buy in bulk and all or go buy what's on sale and actually learn to cook to save money. But when the poor tell their stories about it, the rich sees it all as excuses. To me it's not rocket science but apparently it is for lot of people. I asked my husband what is the difference between me not getting it and normal people and he told me "they are choosing it and don't want to get it and listen."

Sure when I was a kid, my school tried to do it their way than trying to figure out what will work with me to get me to follow the rules and not have behavior problems. They didn't listen to me, they didn't listen to my mother, they were too focused on my behavior when I pointed out other kids flaws to them that was caught on video. They also didn't care about my "friend" even though I told them she had her mouth covered so they couldn't see it in the camera when she was sticking her tongue out at me. They just truly didn't care how other kids acted, they just wanted me to be perfect and I have tried for years to figure out their perspective and I thought they were probably trying to train me to not be a copycat and not follow what other kids do and I wonder if this was part of the ADD treatment but it didn't work because it wasn't the right diagnoses for me and I had a hard time with injustice and I wanted everything to be fair. If only they enforced the rules on all students, then my behavior issue would have been fixed. But they were too rigid to even figure that one out. It was all about them and how they wanted to do it. That is not how it works. It's the same with being a parent. How to make your kid listen and obey you and how to teach them, you have to do what works with them. Not about how you want to do it. For my brothers, my mom going "you lost my trust" would have worked with them but it wouldn't have worked with me because I wouldn't have understood her perspective and her feelings so I would have thought it would be her problem and she has to figure it out herself and not care so she would have had to find another consequence for me. Also my mom used to tell my middle brother he had to come up with a very good reason/argument for something he wants to do if he doesn't agree with her "no." That worked with him because it made him respect her and accept the word no and it also made him think and learn.

My AS relative did have behavioral problems. When he was a kid, they tried to figure out the reasons for it and help him understand why it was inappropriate. The older he got, the less the school administration and teachers tried to understand. In high school, instead of working to teach him social skills, like they were supposed to on his IEP, they would just suspend him, as if he were misbehaving on purpose. But he just didn't know the appropriate social skills. He was also being bullied.

My relative was very smart and started reading at age 2 and using the computer by himself at age 3. At 5, he was doing HTML programming. But when he went into the school he didn't get put into a gifted program. The Director of Special Education said he was an "Autistic savant" and didn't qualify for gifted programming. And they put on his report card, "He got accommodations on an IEP, so this is why he got an 'A.'" Which they shouldn't have done.

When he took his SAT, he got the highest score in the high school. Even higher than the "gifted kids." By then, the Director of Special Education realized he was gifted. He stopped mentioning that thing about his being an "Autistic Savant."

When The Director of Special Education said "Autistic Savant," it was like, oh, he's autistic and he has behavioral problems, so that doesn't count as him being gifted. But according to the definition of giftedness in the state regulations, my relative qualified as gifted. The Director of Special Education said he had too many behavioral problems, and couldn't get gifted programming. He wanted to stick my relative into learning support. When his mother observed the classroom, there were 11 year olds in there who couldn't read. She refused, saying that this was no place for him.

His mother went to a lot of workshops and seminars. It turned out that there was a lot of information on behavioral support and Functional Behavioral Assessment. The school just didn't want to have to bother with it.

Now my relative doesn't think he is on the Autism Spectrum and denies having any part of it. I guess it's because the label of Autism has caused him so many losses that he doesn't want it. He went to "autism programs" that had kids who weren't on the spectrum, but had emotional problems. So he hated the programs.

Even if he can't see himself as being on the spectrum, other people see it. He can't get a job even at McDonalds. He doesn't know how to plan his future. The whole family tries to talk to him, but he doesn't listen. He has so much to offer, but he doesn't know how to access it.

Broombie, I'm sorry that happened to your relative. That really is awful. I think you're assessment sounds correct - he has so much to offer but doesn't know how to access it. And now he probably distrusts anyone who wants to help!

As far as negotiating goes, I find that if people want an actual solution to a problem, they often come to me. I am known to be a good problem solver, for reasons of being quite logical, not too emotional (unaffected by emotional arguments and able to stay neutral), smart, and objective. I am also good at working around pieces of a puzzle in my head.

But, more often than not, I find that people do not actually want a solution. They usually just want to gripe or get someone to do what they want or boost their egos or make an argument for "their side" just because. The "argument" is not usually to make a point but to express anger. That's not a true argument and I'd rather not get involved.

Now, I will have arguments occasionally with people I care about because I am making a case for myself when I don't like something they said or did. Or, I will make a case for something I believe in or care about. But I present it like such, not as a blast of nasty words.

Yes, I think this is perhaps the biggest problem for talented Aspies that have useful skills, but constantly find themselves unemployed after a few months. Obviously they have skills, or people wouldn't hire them. But, they get laid off because they don't know how to do the negotiation part of the job--exactly what is to be done and when does it have to be done by? If you are really, really lucky you will get a boss that does this negotiating for you, so you just need to do the work someone lays out for you. If you have a job that requires creativity, this can be very frustrating. Aspies can be really creative. But normal people are terrible, really terrible, at expressing what they really want. Hint--they often want what everyone else wants, only better. Add in a failure to communicate and you get a very predictable outcome.

nerdygirl, you'd probably make a good judge if you are able to look at all of the evidence and determine the correct solution objectively. A lot of people are highly invested in being "right" as opposed to being happy and making compromises with the other person.

BTDT, it's too bad that Aspies lose their jobs even if they have the skills to do the job. I know sometimes the social aspects of the job are more important than the job performance. "Teamwork" and "working with others" seem to be high on the job agenda. Sometimes they are valued more than the job itself.

You may be told that the customer comes first.

Actually, you come first--you can't do your job if you have a meltdown!

Nor can your fellow employees, so they come second.

Customers come third.

What they really mean is that you shouldn't make it obvious that the customer comes in third, by giving them priority when it is practical to do so. There is also the reality that customers get greedy--which means that you need to draw a line to prevent being taken advantage of and making it hard on your fellow employees. See, if you get taken advantage of customers will try to do the same with your fellow employees.

Is there anything that can be done to regulate the meltdowns? I know they can come on really fast.

I almost had one at the post office the other day. I encountered a clerk that made me angry so I grabbed my package out of her hand and ran out to my car. I really had to work to drive safely. It took me some time to calm down, but I decided she wasn't worth my getting upset over.

With my relative with AS, it takes an instant for him to start screaming and getting upset. I remember when he was younger and would get frustrated, he would kick the walls and create these huge holes. But he thinks he can control himself at work when he gets a job.

Search this site "meltdown"

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I might be a good judge, but I certainly don't win friends. My guess is a lot of good judges out there, regardless of what they are judging, don't have many friends. I was once in a situation where two different groups of people were fighting. I joined neither group and ended up with all the people in both groups angry with me.

Being in the middle can be tricky. Someone recommended "Getting to Yes" which I tried to read. It just didn't seem very helpful to me.

What works for me is to little things to help out my co-workers. Just enough to show I care about them, without threatening their job or ego.