Terrified of going to a friend's birthday party. :(

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This Sunday, it's my friend's birthday, and he's organizing a barbecue party. (Well, a cookout, since in some US regions, the word "barbecue" refers to a food item and not an event.) It's going to be 7 people: 3 couples, plus me. Both of my closest friends are already in long-term serious relationships, and they're the most BORING relationships I've ever seen. Their idea of fun went from nights out partying in fun places, to mind-numbing dinner parties at home with their girlfriends and other couples. My friends' girlfriends aren't bad people, but their personality traits that majorly clash with mine, and I just feel really ill at ease around them. One more so than the other. I've attended a few of their dinner parties as a single, and I wanted to stab my eyes and ears out; I ended up drinking copious amounts of alcohol at home afterwards. There'll also be another couple at the barbecue, who I've met once, but otherwise don't know well. And me, obviously.

How do I feel about this? I'm TERRIFIED of going. Why? Because my single status will be a giant elephant in the room that nobody will mention out of politeness and outward acceptance of me, but people will be thinking it the whole time, and their respect toward me will drop a notch. Or two. Or many. Not to mention I know for a fact they'll start talking about some relationship crap, and I'll be sitting there like a loser, unable to contribute. Not only that, they'll talk about the relationship crap for hours on end.

I can't just skip out, because he's my friend, he values my friendship, I value his, and he wants me there. But at the same time, I'm so afraid of going that I haven't slept well in the last two days. Drinking a couple shots of rum helps (hehe, I said "couple"), but it's not a sustainable solution. And with all my friends being NT, I can't share my concerns with them: they simply won't understand.

The only redeeming feature is that the picnic grove he's doing the barbecue in, has a bus stop practically right in front of it. So my contingency plan is this: take a bus there, drink a lot of alcohol, pass time in an oblivious drunken haze, then take Uber home. Or maybe fake a stomachache, by acting like I ate an undercooked burger, and leave early. (The latter is really to fake at a barbecue.) Hopefully, it'll be over quickly, and I can forget about it and go on with my life.

Thoughts? Suggestions? Anything at all? I'm all ears. (For a point of reference, I'm 33, and my friends are close to that.)

why do you think they became such boring lumps of boring?

being the seventh wheel, or third, is a thing i have had experience with, i've been to cookouts where many of the others were in relationships, expecting the same thing as you, but i found out that they didn't seem to mind. i enjoyed myself more (marginally, yeah) wen i stopped thinking about it.

do you fear how your friend would react if you said you didn't want to go? to me, it sounds like something that is best avoided completely, may be a trapped feeling.

your plan may work better if you haven't already done it before.

Perhaps it is a good idea to tell your friend this; explain why you feel ill at ease and offer to celebrate his birthday with him a different time, maybe make it a guys day out, without their partners, to lower the effect of your single-ness

I think you said it well. I have to go to this stupid barbecue, because he's my friends and it's his birthday. But it's going to be so boring! At the last couples' dinner party, people started a long conversation about how good make-up sex is. (It focused strictly on the emotional part, so it wasn't anything raunchy, other than the word "sex".) I wanted to scream, because to me, make-up sex is disgusting: you're having sex with someone who just spent hours abusing you. Of course, being NT's, they're blind to that simple concept.

Without their partners? Hahahaha. All my friends have been joined at the hip with their girlfriends for the past 6 months or so. They never go anywhere without them, unless it's work. No matter how I much I suggest making a guys' night, they always refuse, because "it's not what love is", apparently. Ugh!! ! Plus, it's 2 couples vs. 1 of me. There's no way my friends will ever agree to this.

What's even more ironic, is that when I hung out with the two couples recently, they all talked about this barbecue like it's going to be some wild, crazy party. The kinds I've gone to in college, and made out with two or three girls in one night. But it's going to be very dull and boring! So they're all setting themselves up for failure with false expectations.

Yeah you're right, I think I heard someone saying that on a TV show, some people just repeat things they hear on tv

Do you know what the dog house is? It's a metaphor for what happens to guys when they do something that their girlfriend doesn't appreciate. I guess it's different for each girl, but in general the guy gets a lot of grief.

What this means is all of the guys at that party will be restricted as to what they can do. If they say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, look at someone the wrong way, they are in the dog house Hell there are even things that if they don't do - if they don't say the right thing at the right time or look at their girlfriend in the right way, it's straight to the dog house. They won't be able to drink as much as they'd like, their girlfriends will be counting their drinks. Them guys are tied down.

You, on the other hand are completely free! You can say what you want, do what you want. Drink as much as you like. You can leave the party when you like and spend the rest of the time with hookers and cocaine if that's your bag.. but no matter what you do - there will be no dog house for you.

Those guys know it, and those guys are secretly jealous of it. So go and enjoy yourself. Make the most of your freedom, because one day you won't be free and you will look back on these times with great fondness.

Well, the barbecue is in two days. I just can't help but worry about how unpleasant it's going to be. I'll be the only "single loser" there. I'm just thankful there's a bus route. I can drown my discomfort in alcohol, and ride it back when I'm sick and tired of being there. Or just request Uber, if I don't feel like standing at a bus stop; service is infrequent on Sundays.

As for the dog house thing, I'm well aware of it. That's why I'm terrified of getting into a relationship of any kind. I just do a division of labor system: escorts for sex, and female friends for respect and socializing. And love "love"/"connection"? pfffft! It's simply women's attraction to men's good genes, and men's counter-response to that, both working together.

And remember: man who spend too much time in dog house will go to cat house. (Punchline: "cat house" means brothel.)

Well, the barbecue came and went, all according to plan. Just like I planned, I hopped on a city bus there, wished my friend a happy birthday, got drunk, tried the amazing chili my friend's girlfriend made, pigged out on burgers and sausages, then caught an evening bus back. I didn't have a bad time, but I wasn't pleasantly surprised, either. It was exactly as I expected.

No one verbally abused me. No one made fun of me. No one even said anything about my single-hood. There were actually more people there than I was originally told, which was kind of nice. There was even one other single guy who I met for the first time that day, although I had very little in common with him. The best non-food, non-alcohol part of the barbecue was a quick volleyball game we played on a grass court. I also got a big kick of the strange looks people gave me, when I walked onto the bus carrying a 24-pack of beer. The driver even turned to me and said: "You, sir, are making a very smart decision here."

Still, I just wasn't wowed by the barbecue; I just couldn't' shake off the awkwardness. I felt---and looked---like a guy who came to a pot luck and didn't bring a dish. (Yeah, I know, it's crass analogy.) No one said anything to me, but I clearly broke some unwritten rule, because that elephant in the room never left.

guess your plan displaced the terror after all. good. will you be doing the same for future parties with similar social situations?

yeah. there's been more than a few events i've been to where i expected the reaction to my singleness to be more severe (or existent at all) than it really was. school events, mostly. homecoming. house parties.

i would keep in mind that people very rarely think of you (judgmentally) as often as you'd assume.

oh, and i've had my fair share of cheeky bus drivers too there was one time when i was catching a bus home and i was loading my blue bike on the rack, since i was riding it earlier. the driver turned to me and looked very skeptical, with a look that suggested he sorry to say what he was about to tell me.

"you can't ride".

"it's no blue bike day. gotta find another way home".

i was fooled for maybe eight seconds.

I actually had a moment like that. I was talking to one couple, with a few people standing within hearing range. The husband make a joke about wife being always right.

The people nearby chuckled. I had a micro-panic attack.

Why didn't you take that 22 yr old Hunny of yours with you?

It'd be weird. My first date with her was on the 18th. The barbecue was on the 22nd. Don't you think it'd be weird to bring someone I had only one date with to an event that's all about LTR's? She'd be uncomfortable, having seen me once, only to hear people ramble about engagement rings, kitchen tiles, and cleaning products. Couples would think I brought her only to stick it to them, or something else equally bad. In a nutshell, it would backfire on me. Sorry, not sorry, it ain't a good solution.

This is not a rag on the couples. I know they'd give her genuine respect---or at least reluctant respect---they gave to me. But she'd clash in such an environment as much as I did. For different reasons, but clash nonetheless.

Good point. You don't want to rush anything.