Wallflower

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My problem with social interaction has pretty much always been the same thing. The thing is, I'm actually a pretty social person, once you get me started I'm extremely chatty. It's not the aspie monologue thing either, I can actually do the conversation thing well, taking turns and listening and commenting and whatnot. I sometimes have some problems, but overall I'm pretty good at it. My problem has always been initiating. I find it hard to make new friends for two reasons: first is kinda of an executive problem, whenever I'm with a large group of people I don't know I don't know who to try to start a conversation with or which conversation to join, so I don't enter any of them. Second is the social anxiety problem, which basically comes down to that I see all these social webs and I don't want to disturb them by inserting myself, and something in me sees myself as somewhat annoying and I don't want to annoy anyone. So a rational part of me says it's okay to take the risk of annoying someone and I see the opportunities to enter, but than I just can't, sometimes I have the words in my mouth, but I just can't bring myself to say them. The result is at any social gathering where I'm not already close friends with someone there and just clinging to them the whole time, I'm just a wallflower. So, pretty much all the friends I have were from them initiating something first. The one main exception was approaching this one girl on facebook at the pit of depression, and that relationship has been pretty rocky, so that kinda reinforces the part of me that only wants friends who approach me first. Than I know that I'm wanted and not just trying to force myself in where I don't belong, but not nearly enough people do that. I've also noticed that this ISN'T a universal aspie problem, even when in environments where most the other people are autistic they still form in their little groups and I can't bring myself to join any of them and I'm still a wallflower. Dammit, I just want to know I belong somewhere. Maybe I found a place once, but now it's gone.

I'm sure youll find a place soon. Obviously, you should be more assertive, and have confidence in your viability.

You'll find a place soon, especially as it pertains to groups who share your life-ideology.

Walls tend to get cold to the touch.

I'm NT, so take what I say with a grain of salt. When I'm in a crowd, I watch the other people. Not directly, but I pay attention to what they're doing, how they're dressed, how they interact with each other, and then I decide who I want to make friends with. I would not have made friends with a girl in the pits of depression. That kind of person is typically needy, and I personally don't do well in needy friendships. I usually go for people with similar senses of humor to mine. I recommend that aspies look for friends who have similar interests.

It can sometimes be a process of elimination, as well. I hate to say that, but that's how it is sometimes. You find the least irritating person to be friendly with.

If you're the most irritating person, try to come across as less irritating.

Aspies don't live in a vacuum; they change, too.....frequently for the better.

Oh, lol, yeah when you're depressed is also not the best time to choose a friend. You might really like someone and then when you feel better find that you can't stand that person.

Why in the world would you feel inadequate in a group of people? Just by the law of averages, half of those people aren't as good as you!

Have you ever talked to a counselor? Maybe you're stuck in a negative way of looking at yourself and someone needs to help you sort that out and see yourself more accurately.

My feeling is:

And I know you might not believe this:

Is that you feel stuck in a rut, and that it's caused by your Asperger's.

Really....and I know this from experience....because I went through similar stuff to you....the best thing, really, is to at least make the attempt to think about your good points. Thinking about "not offending people by not talking to people" isn't going to wash. It'll lead you down a dark, dark path.

Of course, I don't know you, so I can't really KNOW what would be best for you.

But my experience has shown me that emphasizing the bad over the good only leads to trouble.

I'm just like you, apart from the being social bit. Once you get me going, I am not chatty. There is no getting me going.

I know what it is like being in a room full of people all happily chatting away and just being sat there not knowing what to say. It is a horrific experience. I rarely know what to say, and when I do, by the time I've said it the conversation has moved on.. and no-one hears me anyway because they are all talking over me.

I've learned a few things that help.

No one actually cares. People are largely just interested in themselves and all they care about is their image. I have had people say to me that they actually enjoy my company because I don't just talk over everyone. I am never at risk of being that annoying person that just takes over the party. You aren't going to be irritating by being quiet.

People probably like you. They may wonder why you are so quiet, but that doesn't change how much they like you. I have had plenty of people say I am a great guy, they don't understand why I feel like I have nothing to say. I now know that it is because my brain is wired differently I just don't have the capacity the process information fast enough to keep up a live conversation.

So, there may be nothing you can do about it. You are autistic. There is currently no known cure for it. If there's nothing you can do about it, there's no point worrying about it. It's like the serenity prayer

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference."

Just accept yourself, you are fine as you are.

So why is it that you have a problem with being a wallflower? Is it because you are worried what other people will think about you? What if you could change yourself so you don't actually care about what they think? Could you sit there at a party and just enjoy listening to the conversation?

Now there are things that you can do. There are plenty of activities that you can do with people that don't involve conversing. Back in the day I learned to DJ, which was awesome. I could be the centre of the party and not have to talk to anyone! Go climbing, on the wall or when belaying for someone you are going to be completely focussed on the task. You also have something to talk about afterwards. Learn Go and go to a Go club. You have to focus on the game rather than converse. Become awesome at stuff and people will start asking you about it. Being autistic means you have what it takes to become awesome at something. Make the most of it!

And whatever happens just think about that girl who sh*t herself in the Jacuzzi and had the video of it spread over the internet. At least you aren't in her situation!

I believe you have lots of incentive, and lots of ability.

I'm not a motivational speaker; I hate motivational speakers. I'm speaking from life experience.

Before I got DECENT at socializing, I screwed up and made lots of boo boos.

The only way to learn, to me, is to make the boo boos, reflect on them, then try again.

You seem very likeable. Relax ☺

I have a similar problem. I fear that I am being annoying. When I see someone texting, I automatically decide that I am not going to be friends with that person, even if I want to. The reason being is I think to myself "Well, they have a great social life, look the first thing to do when the instructor calls break and picks up the phone to 'talk' to their best friend who they have dying to talk to the last hour". I automatically assume they aren't open to making new friends.

At my school, most of the students hang out with their friends from high school, but I was very unpopular in high school because in my high school, people were quite judgmental. It didn't help that people knew I was special needs and there was another special needs girl who was a real jerk, so maybe people associated me with her, and assumed I was the same, when in reality, I couldn't stand her and neither could anyone else.

I was friendly with a few people, but I didn't have any friends from high school. When I tried to talk to them, even just make small talk, they would just ignore me. My dad says they probably didn't understand what I said, but then why don't they just ask me to repeat myself. That's what I do.

In college. this isn't the case, but most people are more interested in hanging out with people from high school then making new friends.

I find it much easier to interact at work for some reason. Maybe it's because I don't have so many negative social experiences in that setting, whereas in an academic environment, I do have negative social experiences so feel more uncomfortable. The problem is, I only work two days a week and there are many people who I am very friendly with, but I don't work too closely with so we only see each other if our breaks overlap.

I am also super scared to ask people for their phone numbers, as I don't know how well you need to know a person before doing this.

In Canada, of the many universities and colleges are in urban areas, so lots of people who grow up in urban areas end up going to the colleges/universities near their hometown. I don't feel ready and can't afford to live on my own at this point in time. Some people even choose their college based on where their friends from high school are going. When I was at the orientation, they did discuss how to meet people and make friends, and the girls sitting in front of actually LAUGHED when the leader said that "you're friends (from high school) may not be in your classes".