Standing up for yourself

Post Reply New Topic

I'm really struggling with knowing how to stand up for myself. When I look up how to do it it's very broad and it doesn't go over any specific situations. There have been times where people would talk about me like I wasn't there, invade my personal space ect. If I react to it might encourage them to act that way with me even more and if I ignore it that might also encourage them so I'm not really sure what to do. I also have times where I would think of what to say, but by the time I thought about it would already me too late. I feel like this is causing other problems for me too because it causes a lot of people to feel sorry for me and it makes me unattractive. I don't know what to do about it.

I have a go-to method that you can use for most situations when someone is bothering you and you know it.

Right now I will give a personal space example, a specific one:

Do not attempt to take a step back away from them.

Do not make direct eye contact to their eyes, instead look slightly above their eyes, at their forehead but not too high or else it'll just come across as off, do not look away at all the entire time, stare directly at them, squint your eyes, make a slightly glaring/angry face, raise your chin slightly but not too high, stand up straight, push your chest slightly out, try to take up as much space as possible with your body.

Put your left arm on your hip. Raise your right arm and make it into a loose karate chop shape with your thumb slightly pointing up, don't squeeze your fingers together but make that general shape. Extend your right arm forward so that your forearm and bicep have a bit of distance between them. Make sure your right hand is parallel to your shoulder. Move this arm and hand slightly up and down as you speak. Speak in a voice at a moderate level so you can be heard yet not too loud, and since you're a woman try to speak in a slightly deeper voice that is still natural and doesn't sound fake or forced. Say in a clear and assertive (calm yet confident) voice:

"Excuse me, you're standing in my personal space and I do not like it; I politely ask that you please give me my personal space."

If they say no, ask again with a very slightly louder voice and clearer, open your eyes to normal, and add onto it:

"I'd like you to take a few steps away, as there is plenty of space around us to stand freely."

and then wave your right arm horizontolly from right to left to gesture and that there is plenty of space in the room, then return it to its previous position.

And then say:

"We are not on a train or bus, which are usually tight space situations. So, once again, I ask, please give me my space."

If they say no a second time, open your eyes fully, look angrier but still keep your eyes as open as possible, don't stare at their forehead anymore but directly into their eyes, stare so hard you're practically looking into their soul, change your hand to pointing at them and again, move it slightly up and down while pointing at them the same time, slightly raise your voice a third time, if they're invading your personal space already, choose to walk even closer to them yourself, and say:

"I see no reason why you need to be standing so close to me when there is plenty of other space around us. If you have any explanation as to why you are doing it, then tell me. Otherwise, I will ask a third time that you give me personal space. I do not like what you are doing and will not tolerate this behavior, if you don't respect my wishes after I've asked politely several times, I will have to do something about it."

The point is to slightly escalate your seriousness the second time, and then significantly the third time. A three strikes and you're out rule.

Try to practice this in the mirror. This can work for most situations to stand up for yourself but not all. I will give more advice later, am busy atm.

I might even post a Youtube video to help if my description wasn't helpful enough.

If you hear someone whisper about you and say something bad, and you KNOW for a fact they did, or even if someone does something bad then walks away, turn around, walk towards them quickly and stand the same way as above and say voice "Excuse me, I'd like to have a conversation with you."

Say it in a way you know they've done something wrong. Like a teacher talks to a bad student. Stern.

If they try to say no and brush you off, say:

"I just want a little 5 minute chat with you mate. Come on, it'll just be a second now. What's the harm in a little conversation?"

If they say no a second time, say in a raised voice exactly what you think they've done so that anyone nearby can hear, e.g. a supervisor/boss. Say something like this:

"Well, I'm pretty sure I just heard you whispering something very rude and inappropriate about me behind my back and I'd just like to sort things out civilly by having a little conversation with you. Is that too much to ask?"

If they still brush you off, or deny it, refuse to take no for an answer.

"It's just that I thought I heard something, that's all. If I'm mistaken, then please, I just want to talk about it to sort out this misunderstanding, I can't take no for an answer. If you haven't done anything wrong there's nothing to be afraid of in a conversation."

Here's how Marie Dubuque would handle it ...

How to get better at confrontations and stand up for yourself



How to use sarcasm if someone is insulting you; putting you down



What to say to someone who constantly tries to upset you, pushes your buttons



Am not sure what your exact situation is, but hopefully something in here will help.

...

^The part about insults looks like it would be really helpful, but a lot of people will sometimes talk about me like I wasn't present.

I had an issue like this when I worked at a warehouse with employment supports where one of the job coaches would come up and stand terribly close to us that it was intimidating. I had told her on a multitude of times that people with Asperger's don't like that level of closeness but she did not listen.

So when she did it again, I accidently said "Don't touch me." I explained to her in a pretty assertive tone

She was also very closed minded, pessimistic and patronizing.

So she moved onto the next client and tried to force her to smile. It was "Smile, smile, smile. What's wrong with you?"

I said "I appreciate your concerns but she is going to smile when she feels like it. Besides, you don't want to her smile when she's not feeling happy on the inside and you never know what's going on is a person's life."

I think you just have to make a strong effort to ignore mean people and find friends.

Its really not your concern what people say about you or think of you. If people are mean to you you should tell a teacher, or do what you can to ignore them, keep away from them.

You need friends. Youd better try and look for some

Well, if someone were invading my space, I just might start singing an old song by The Police:

"Don't stand ... don't stand so ... don't stand so close to me ..."

And I would make sure to sing in an annoying, mocking tone ...
and maybe play a bit of air guitar
while doing an amazing impression of Sting.

Of course, that would not make me popular, and
it would definitely get people mad at me ...
I have quite a mischievous streak.

...

I would find that cute, actually LOL

LOL, if I did that I might scare some people because I'm usually quiet.

It can be very difficult to stand up for yourself when you are autistic, we tend to remove ourselves from scenes of conflict as they are very disturbing and tiring.
I find turning my back on people who invade my space to be very effective, also completely blanking them anytime they engage in behaviour that causes you stress.
A method I use to confront bullies is to stare at them intently with my death gaze, no words are needed, they will become uncomfortable and usually cease, the trick is to keep staring and not engage them in any other way.
Once you start to see hesitancy or fear in their eyes then you will have broken whatever power they held over you, they want a loud visible reaction from you, never give that, leave the room before that happens.
I'm not an aggressive person, I never raise my hands to another unless called to physically defend myself.

Play that Autistic poker face, sow the seeds of uncertainty in their minds, give nothing away.

I always have the option of mad Scotsman mode too, lots of swearing and arm waving, very tiring though.

I'd happily slap the a***holes picking on you.