Loyalty and betrayal

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Hi

I'd appreciate some advice to get closure on an upsetting end to a friendship.

My friend - who's 20 years my senior and aspie - and i worked together on various projects over the last couple of years and became pals. He's married (I assume happily) and while there was some sexual tension nothing ever happened. We last worked together 10 months ago and had a sad goodbye that left me feeling like he was letting go. His behaviour since then has left me sad and puzzled.

1. I nearly lost my job. I was in a dire dire place and desperately needed help and encouragement. I emailed him to bounce around a few ideas. Really I just needed to feel that there was someone rooting for me. I explained enough for him to realise the situation. He didn't reply for a week. There was no encouragement just a very blunt response along the lines of nice idea but no it won't work...

2. Soon after he agreed to be part of a panel with the man who made my life hell. While my boss saw me as a piece of meat, the main reason that we were in conflict was because of this friend. They didn't get on and were territorial over me. I rejected my boss out of loyalty to my 'friend'. I felt utterly betrayed that he was sitting on the same panel as this man who he knows put me through so much...

3. I've discovered this 'friend' is popping in on my old office. It sent a powerful message that he hadn't been back since I left. Going validates this monster. He has another mentee working there who will have pushed for him to go, but still. He's agreed to it knowing that the message is one of validation...

I'm bewildered. How could a friend behave this way - should i understand that we were never friends? if not why the charade - it was he who described me as his work soul mate. If we were, how is he rationalising his betrayal? did three years of friendship mean nothing?

Please if you can help me understand what might have happened?

Firstly, please let me admit up front that this situation is confusing to me ...
probably because I'm an Aspie, so I'm not understanding all the social aspects.

That said,
when it comes to jobs, careers, business, and office politics ...
there are many people who will falsely claim to be your friend,
who will smile to your face
and who will lie to your face,
then turn around and gossip behind your back
and/or betray you ...
What matters to these ruthless people
is their own paycheck
and their own job security.

Sorry you are going through this.

When times get hard,
that's when you find out
who your friends are
and who they aren't.

Hi there

You're right, when times are hard you see the reality.

I'd made assumptions that because he's an aspie he'd be more loyal. Or perhaps being aspie made it easier for him to leave his loyalty behind at the point of moving on from the friendship.

I badly want closure now. In an ideal world, I'd be able to let him know that i'm upset that he hasn't shown me the same loyalty that I showed him. Then listen to his reasons why. And then walk away from our friendship with no hard feelings.

How do you get closure when you can't communicate with someone about the harm they've done you?

Hi BeeBzzz,

Walk away with your head held high, your grace and dignity intact.
He's shown he isn't worth any more of your time.
Shake the dust from your feet and move on to bigger and better things.
Be your best self.
And guess what?
As time passes, things can change ...
if you handle this situation in a classy manner now,
your path may cross this person's again, and
this same person just might see you
succeed years later.
The best revenge is living well.
And then, you'll have a really good sense of closure.

While it doesn't always happen like this,
sometimes it does, and that's golden.

So resist the temptation to burn bridges
by demanding closure right now at all costs
even if you are hurting right now.

And even if your paths never cross again ...
you just may find yourself doing better than you thought,
having done your best,
and that's success enough.

Thanks so much your kind advice. Things are more secure with work and I'm ready to focus on living better. And although it's hard to understand exactly what has gone on without being able to discuss it, I'm pretty sure that i won't find myself in this kind of friendship again. It wasn't an equal friendship based on mutual respect, I guess I'll find more of those thanks to this experience.

Thank you