Too Afraid to Say Sorry

Post Reply New Topic

I think that there are three phrases civil people ought to know: please, thank you, and I'm sorry. I'm not too good at remembering the third one. You see, my parents tend to stress their intolerance of their children's imperfection over a desire to teach their children how to improve themselves. At least that’s the way it works at home, because even constructively criticizing someone in public is considered tactless to them for some reason.

Sometimes, I’m too scared to apologize after realizing I've done something wrong because I expect the affected party (usually my parents) to flare up from being reminded of how I've wronged them in the first place. What's the point in trying to make amends if the other person is just going to get enraged over my mistakes again?

I have the opposite problem, I say sorry at the drop of a hat. I have troubles determining the other persons level of annoyance or anger and assume the worst. I say it multiple times.

I think we both need to balance a little more in the middle.

Sometimes it helps to not talk to someone immediately after a fight so that they can calm down. But other people should also be mature enough to talk about a problem instead of yelling about it, especially if someone is trying to apologize.

I've thought about it a little more, and I think that there are more than three common phrases that those well-versed in modern etiquette ought to use:

please
thank you
you're welcome/no problem
excuse me
bless you
I'm sorry

I think another reason that I forget that last phrase is because my mom and dad also don't use it very often (except possibly when I'm not nearby). They don't seem to act like it's a good thing to acknowledge when they've screwed up, let alone attempt to make amends for it. They're more interested in belittling others, including each other, and I don't mean in a "tough love" sort of way where they help people better themselves. They'd rather stick to what they believe than consider other people's opinions about their beliefs or actions. How can I learn to have proper manners when my parents have too many bad habits, especially when they don't bother improving themselves because they're convinced that they're already perfect?

I could probably use that word more often to appease the NTs. I do think that using sorry frequently makes the word less meaningful. When I watch sports and I see someone apoligize for hitting the net and winning a point (tennis or similar), I just think that's beyond ridiculous. Why should you apologize for something caused by RNGesus? Isn't the other player likely to get the same kind of luck about as frequently as you? Shouldn't that player in fact be more likely to win such points more often if he/she is better than you?

It seems to me that those players excuse themselves to prevent the other person from getting upset at them for a totally irrational reason. I kinda don't get it, as with a lot of other social norms.

I think your understanding of this has surpassed their ability to teach you anything now.

I understand that walking on eggshells thing. My parents are like that. It's confusing. They're ok with apologies. It's other random things. Like my Mum hates questions. So I know not to ask her questions. It's hard to remind myself to ask other people questions. I still have this fear of how someone will react. But I remind myself not all people will react like her.

I learned best how to ask questions from an old roommate. If I don't understand a conversation going on around me I'll often sit silently and try and work out what's going on. I don't want to be ridiculed for asking stupid questions.

She just asks. And I saw that people were ok with that. And I was surprised. So I do ask questions now, when I remember to do so.