Making friends with other autistics

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Hi:
It just dawned on me today why I keep having so many "Bad friendships" right? However, I think it's because I struggle to connect with people in the NT world. Because I have wanted friends so bad, I have turned to the autistic/neurodivergent community? However, I often don't think about compatibility or what I have in common with other people. Meanwhile, they are also feeling lonely and struggle with the same factors. However, I often find myself clashing with these people.

Otherwise, I feel like an outsider in the NT world unless I mask and try to be someone who I am not.

Being a teetotaler is the only thing that isolates me in the NT world. If I drank alcohol like everyone else I'd probably automatically have a lot more friends.

Oh I drink. I have also learned to talk about sports because more allistic people like that

My biggest problems:
1. I don't wear my hair long
2. I am not interest in being a clone of other women
3. Being pretentious makes no sense to me
4. I am very outspoken
5. I have behaviors that arer off putting
6. I don't get my nails done due to cost and sensory issues.
7. I have behaviors that others find off putting

I meant I don't think my social skills are that bad, the only thing that keeps me from having many friends is my interests not being the same as the norm, and that includes drinking. It's just a cultural thing in this country and I probably drink less than a Muslim who follows their religion by the book.

At high school I was my own worst enemy too - I didn't make much effort to like what the other girls liked. If I did, I might have been socially accepted more. Maybe my supposed gender/age dysphoria played a large part in where my interests went.

Never have I intentionally make friends.
It's said friends who needed friends that happened to be me.

Else, I have zero social motivation.
Nor any reason to have friends. I don't have a form of loneliness to quell...

If I do, I would've feel the same, able to relate to the OP and many countless other autistics who feel lonely and depressed from friendlessness.


But sure, if I have an actual social motivation or at least a real drive to make connections, and wanted to make friends with other autistics, I would've made a network of autistics across several platforms by now.

Like yeah, I have the "social skills" and "guts" (or rather, the lack of social anxiety) to initiate -- that is, if socialization had been the default go to as a form of action to quell my boredom and need for stimulation.


I understand the compatibility bit; to me, that's easier to accomodate online.
In real life, there are countless factors to go about.

I say, since many NDs have a form of social anxiety or complexes, overthinking in interactions or poor initiation, then be the "host", be that firmer person who assures other NDs.
Better yet -- assure one another from whatever understanding of whatever mutual overthinking or uncertainty or whatever you're likely deprived from attempting to connect with NTs.

What I barely observed so far -- is NDs trying to be "NT-safe" towards NDs...
Which sometimes makes some of them a bit insecure, assuming this ND acting NT-safe person would need an ND who is just as NT-safe (or more) and sometimes basing their worth to be a more NT-like person.

IMO, special interests and common interests second -- tho those are mostly good initiators, not everyone can sustain said interests equally.
But if you're someone who's utterly bored and wanting less output, then be the person who listens to infodumping; whether one learns from it or not (unless you don't want a one-sided friendship)...

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During my first year of high school, when Titanic was popular, Leo DiCaprio became my teen idol and special interest. During 1998, it worked. Then when the whole "Leo Mania" started to fade into boy bands, things grew very awkward very quick.

Looking back now, I very highly suspect that a former friend of mine was on the spectrum. We seemed to get on well for many years, although I always had to be the brains of the operation and do a lot of the work. Over time I realized he could a bit manipulative and wanted to do nothing to fix his life, just whine and B---ch about everything, he was a major back seat driver too

Now hear me out, I know NT's can be the same in this respect but his behavior I believe could have been enhanced because of what I suspect is ASD. The biggest thing was, he would talk nonstop about his interest, to the point even I got annoyed with it. He was insanely selfish and passive aggressive.

For me, I think my oblivious nature did not see things for a long time. Luckily, he is out of my life now.

This of course was 1 individual. Others, I am not sure how that would work out but I have heard ASD people and ADD people tend to be a good match.

Had a highschool teacher that (after a 3 day schooltrip to germany) told everyone I was better slightly drunk... 'you talk'

Think it was more the difference of being with just our 2 classes and people I sort of knew. Or a combination. I do know I need to take care not to talk too much (but rarely drink with people around), not only when drunk... I didn't know anything about autism yet but already had learned when I start talking I have issues with how and when to stop.

I tend to make friends with autistic people without trying lol, because I meet people through niche hobbies. It's a pretty safe bet that if I go where all the geeks gather I'm probably going to make myself at home. In most settings I feel completely invisible and most interactions with people are strictly business. But I'm in this akward middle zone where I'm too weird for normies but too normie for the weirdos. But because weirdos treat me well I end up in painful social situations with people far more awkward than me. I'm babysitting at that point and I feel like I'm settling or underselling myself. But I'm invisible everywhere else. It's rarer that I find someone in that inbetween zone on my wavelength, and when I do we end up very good friends. Some NT some autist, but mostly the latter!

I find it diffult to make friends with other autistics, because I meet so few of them that are about my own age and have a somewhat similar profile.

I know some may not want to hear this, but I'm entitled to have preferences and I'm not trying to offend anyone and I'm not aiming it at anyone personally or anything, but if I was going to date someone on the spectrum I'd prefer him to be a very atypical sort of Aspie. One that doesn't really have that "nerdy" approach, the "dark hair and white face and glasses" type that prefer to be alone and just want a girlfriend there, just to say they have a girlfriend, but not to connect with or anything. And are prone to sensory meltdowns or often like to flap their hands, and rely on disability benefits. Okay, I'm not judging people with this autism type and lifestyle, as I don't have a problem with them, they are just as worthy as anyone and their feelings are valid, but I'm just talking from a relationship perspective here. I could be friends with them, but not really have a romantic relationship.

If I was going to date someone on the spectrum, I find the "mysterious" types quite fascinating, where they're highly respected by their peers and they are capable of working, and don't strictly require heaps of alone time and aren't prone to sensory meltdowns. Or if they are, it's expressed in a more "NT way", not curling up in a corner and rocking back and forth, or becoming violent.

Introverted NT men are quite suited to Aspie/ADHD females. My husband is an introvert, but definitely not on the spectrum, but we connect very deeply. We are basically soulmates, even with our differences, we're still very close emotionally. Every couple has differences. He doesn't share the same obsession I have (though the obsession I have at the moment is the first one I've had in all the time I've been with him (some 11 years). But he knows I'm a natural writer, I always have been, even though he isn't into writing himself. But no matter how many differences we have, we are still very emotionally attached, so I think that goes to show that I am capable of connecting with NTs.

I even think I make friends better than I thought I did. Well, it may be because I'm always comparing my social life to others my age, which creates the illusion that I'm crap at making friends. But the other day, after telling my husband that we've been invited to the home of yet another friend of mine from work, he said, "gosh, you make friends so much!" (Not in a sarcastic way either). I think all the rejections I've had seem to take up more space in my memory and have an affect on my self-esteem more so than all the times I have made friends and been included.