Etiquette at a restaurant/bar

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Basically here’s what’s going on.

I’m currently 17, and someone who went to my primary school is organising a reunion party (it’s not official or anything), and I have been one of the 20 or so people who have been invited to it so far. It’s being held at a posh restaurant/bar. The problem is, I have never been out to a restaurant or a bar with friends before, and I have no idea about the social etiquette I must obey.

I feel like I’m suddenly being thrown in the deep end.

Since I have not seen them for 9 years now (I do have them on MSN and Facebook etc), it is almost like a first impression that I will make on them when they see me. So I really don’t want to do anything wrong unintentionally etc. and give myself a bad reputation among them. Another thing is that they will be serving alcohol at that place, and I know nothing about alcohol as I don’t drink. The reason for this is due to me not going out with friends anywhere. So I don’t want to make a fool of myself while ordering something. It would look really awkward if I even tell them that I don’t know what a certain brand of alcohol is. Or should I avoid that altogether?

I really do want to go to this reunion to meet them, as I don’t know if I will get another chance or not.

What are your opinions? What should I do while I am there?
Or should I not go at all, by making some kind of excuse saying that I have to do something else that day. Another problem is that I have to go to college the following day, and this party will run into the early hours.

i'll start with the alcohol. you said you don't drink so it might be best to avoid it all together since you don't really have experience with it and aren't familiar with the effects. if you do plan on drinking, keep it light, everyone's tolerance is different, but intersperse alcohol with water, and i'd say keep it around a drink an hour. as for ordering, just decide on something simple before you go to the bar. beer's usually pretty simple and acceptable, there will be different kinds so ask the bartender what beer he's got and pick one. if you like it, stick with it, if not choose another or try a mixed drink. for some simple mixed drinks, i'll usually order rum and coke, rye and coke, or rye and ginger (ginger ale). you can go for something different if you'd like but for your first time at a bar if you're afraid of making it awkward, just keep it simple. people are generally pretty accepting of people who don't drink if they aren't snooty about it, so if you aren't comfortable drinking, just tell them that, it might get a bit awkward for a second because most people there will probably drink, but it's fine.

as for what to do while you're there, talk, get to know people (again). come up with some topics to discuss before you go so if the conversation dies down you've got something to fall back on. at your age i'm guessing people are thinking about university or college, so that could be a good topic, but just come up with a few subjects to keep in the back of your mind just in case.

you sound like you really want to go so don't use college as an excuse not to go, but you can use it as a reason to but out early if it starts getting exhausting. i'm pretty sure most people here get tired after a few hours of socializing, so if you start feeling tired, anxious, irritable, etc. because of the extended socializing, then you can say that you've got to wake up early for college, then say goodbye to some people, and leave. don't forget to go say goodbye to people, they don't like it when you just disappear. you don't have to go say it to everyone, but it's a good idea to let the people you've spent a lot of time with know that you're leaving so they aren't looking for you later on.

hope this helps, let me know if you've got any specific questions.

right, i forgot about the tip. 15-20% is a good ballpark, i usually just give a dollar on top of what the drink costs, although for the first drink i might give more just to get them to remember me so i get served more quickly next time.

Since I live in the U.S. and you're in England, I'm not sure if how we behave is the same as what you are expected to be like.

Anyway...

I have never been teased about drinking sodas (sprite, 7up, gingerale, etc.), and usually I find that if I am drinking a clear soda, it looks just like someone else's clear alcohol drink... just that I won't get as stupid as they will if I drink several.

I also believe that if people are sitting around or standing around with glasses in their hands, then there tends to be this little acceptance thing if you show up with a glass in your hand also.
Also, the drink gives you something to do when you are not talking, or need to break from a conversation by either taking a sip, or 'refreshing' your drink and excusing yourself to do so.

I think the idea of coming up with topics beforehand is a good one.
Current events seem to be where it's at, but figuring out which topics from those, people are going to want to discuss, could be a little difficult. You know these people better than we do, so hopefully you'll have some idea what might be the 'topic of the day'.

Having said all that... I tend to wind up by myself in a corner until I just get tired of it all and leave.
I really hate sitting at a table where the conversation is going 'round and passing me by.
I also do not like parties where a band or DJ is playing, if the main emphasis at the moment is socializing instead of dancing.
Parties contain too much noise for me to be comfortable with.. too much stimulation and I just get overloaded and unable to filter out anything.
Consequently, I tend to keep track of several conversations while constantly swiveling my head to keep track of all the movement going on.

I do hope that if you go, you have an enjoyable time.

Oh, and when you get there, you can just make a few simple announcements to different people that you're really glad you could come to the party, but regrettably you have to leave by some specific time... then stick to that time.

Hah.
What do you think NT's do? Memorize a bunch of rules and plan for every possible social situation and scenario? lol. In reality that's what aspies try to do to cope, but NT's don't do this as they don't need to. I see it so much that the idea makes me laugh out loud every time I see it. In this manner, the NT is the aspie's ubermensch; capable of phenomenal feats of memory and skill in a particular obsession: socializing.

No amount of planning or memorizing is going to prepare you for the social gathering, or any for that matter. However, it may make you feel better beforehand, but such relief is a superficial attempt to placate your own insecurities and has little to do with the problem at hand.

What makes an NT different from an aspie is not the etiquette that he knows, but rather it is the capacity to respond to a social situation despite his inexperience and lack of foreknowledge. It is, in short, the ability to improvise in real time through the use of context and non-verbal social cues.

In general, planning things out is useful, even though it is common for plans to fail. Regardless, the failure not to plan is typically greater than the failure of a plan. Ultimately, success comes not from the best laden plan, but in adapting a well-laden plan to a chaotic and ever changing world. The key to true power in planning is improvisation.

I know I'll probably get told off for saying this, but if you're very nervous, a drink might help (keep it one glass only though!- it doesn't matter if the effects wear off as the night goes on; it's the initial confidence boost that matters). If you don't want to though, no worries- nobody will notice or make a fuss.

I wouldn't pre-plan conversations too much. If you do, you'll always be looking for a chance to jump in with a pre-rehearsed paragraph, which to you might sound natural, but will leave the other person wondering what's up (I've tried this and had it happen to me- the reason it doesn't work is because no pre-planned conversation will quite fit the context and as Mystycc pointed out, you have to be flexible when dealing with NTs).

If you get a chance, sit with someone chatty, even if you don't know them all that well (you will by the end of the night), as all you will need is a few conversation starters (could be as simple as 'what do you study?) to get them talking- all you need to do is nod occasionally and make the odd comment. Again, this is what I like to do- I hate staring at the table, feeling like I am being antisocial, yet am unable to prolong conversations.

If you find you need a break (I tend to space out), just head to the bathroom or outside for 'a breath of fresh air'. This is quite normal for NTs too, so you shouldn't have to go into great explanations.

The advice from other posters about paying and tipping is good. In general though, just wait and see what the plan is: don't be the first to ask how to pay: it's usually discussed as a group at the end of the night.

Lastly, remember you're there for a reason: these people like you, so there's no need to panic

Some brilliant ideas from all of you Thanks.

The date hasn't been finalised yet, but it seems it may be around the 20th. (that's the provisional date which they've come up with)

And yeah what I think is that if I do go ahead with it, I will tell them I have college the following day and leave a bit early. I'm also gonna tell them I'm not a big fan of alcohol, but saying that, I would mind a little bit of a drink! And I never thought about the tip! I could have screwed up big time there so thanks to whoever mentioned it.

I hope I'm not killing this thread by posting this

A fellow Brit that doesn't drink?!

Anyone who doesn't have a good reason for not drinking i.e. they're a woman, they're driving or they're not well is likely to be considered a homosexual. Try drinking a few different bottles of beer to see what you like. Try real ale if it's in a good pub (usually cheaper than lager and tastier too) - stick to ones under 4% ABV though if you're not sure about what you like. That way you won't pick up anything with strong flavours. Ask about golden ales - they're fairly bland and easy to sup.

And it's not alcohol, it's a drink. Go up to the bar and have a look see what there is. You should be able to recognise them. If not here's a few suggestions:

Guinness: watery stout
Guinness Extra Cold: even more so, but colder
Carlsberg: tasteless lager
Carling: tasteless lager
Strongbow: tasteless but drinkable cider
Magners: cider for gaylords, especially over ice
Blackthorn: cheap muck, spawn of the devil
Anything by Westons or Thatchers: great stuff but too strong for you
Cask ale: stick to lower ABV and seek about the borderline Aspie CAMRA fanatic and see what he reckons is the best one

If I were nearer you I'd come down and educate you.

If it's not a real ale bar just have something like cider and blackcurrant as that's easy to put away - very addictive though! (They might charge you for the blackcurrant.)

You can try most of the above at shops for cheap. Ask a friend to try some of theirs if you're worried.

If you're worried about what you might like when you get there buy a half. That way people won't look at you funny.

Oh, and make sure you have plenty to eat!

What exactly do you mean by tasteless? I just want something which doesn't taste disgusting.
Are they bitter, sour? Do they smell disgusting? (I know that Whisky smells like vomit)