Hello all- I'm hiding from real life again

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First of all, hello. I'm new. I found out I was an aspie about three years ago, but at the time was already too disillusioned with my life to really do anything about the diagnosis. I'll post a better introduction later, but for now-

I'm in college. Transferred. It's a well regarded university, but I don't take much pride in it as I got here by pretty much giving up/dropping out of every previous institution I've attended.

I am currently skipping class again. No good reason- I've just been out for two and a half weeks because I broke my wrist and had to have surgery (didn't take to the pain medication so well). A normal person who'd had an injury would have been communicating with their professors, writing friends to get homework assignments and jumping right back in the game as best they could.

Me? I've fallen into my usual pattern of assuming my professors and the other students will notice I've been absent, hate me and stare at me. Apparently, I've been paranoid about people staring at me since I was two. I can't write an email to the professors, because I "just know" they will be entirely unsympathetic, and look down on me for not making more of an effort to overcome my issues. Even our DSP center here clearly states, "it is the disabled student's responsibility to clearly communicate to professors their needs and special assistance requirements in a timely fashion."

Well, what if your disability actually IS a problem with COMMUNICATION? Then wtf are you supposed to do?

I really hate having such strong aversions to things all human beings are supposed to do... like writing emails, opening doors, saying hello, asking for help... explaining their issues to someone without trembling like an idiot because of the pressure of confrontation...

When I'm doing reasonably well in life (a rare occurrance, it seems), the AS is something I can keep to myself. But whenever something stupid happens that causes me to fall behind, or need help from others- I can't handle it. It's pretty much been my life cycle since age 11(I have the most unusually terrible health history for someone my age).

I live in an apartment now. I have housemates. I turned 22 yesterday. I'm too damn old to lock myself in a room all day and tape black construction paper to the window so the light doesn't bother my "heightened sensory perceptions."


..anyhow, that's my rant. Sorry for the length, but I hope it broke the ice a bit. Any advice or tales of similar experiences would be appreciated.

I was just thinking about this in my own college experience! Amazing coincidence. I look back on my college days and wonder how the heck they let me graduate. Then, I realized: they know about AS. They've known about it from the beginning of time, even if they didn't know the name. They give young adults a lot of breaks. You'll get them too. All you have to do is take care of what matters: go to class, do the homework, do A+ work (you can't do less -- you have to compensate with hard work) and the rest will magically take care of itself. Do the work -- it is all that really matters -- do it well. Do it better than anyone!

Oh, and for the love of all that is good and holy, don't say up late at nights for all the social faux paus moments you will have. Let the past be the past and revel in your unique perspective. I never got diagnosed -- well, I did, but I was never TOLD about it. Apparently, they thought it was a good idea to keep me in the dark because they didn't want to discourage me or something. You have an advantage knowing about it and withdrawing from real life is not a bad thing. Real life is mediocrity.

Oh, and follow your Dad's advice. Never leave your dorm room without a towel. I can't stress that enough.

It's tough to dig yourself out of a mountain of doubts and anxiety. I barely got my Associate's degree when I was 22. The only way I could do it was to get pissed off every time I got scared or doubtful. I used the anger to blow a hole in the uncertainty and slam myself forward, cussing all the way. I didn't get mad at anyone, including me, I got mad at how ridiculous it felt to allow me to stop myself. I knew I had to finish school and get a job or I'd wind up on the street, so I pulled out the stops.

I didn't hear about AS until I was 50. Knowing about it wouldn't have changed the situation. I had to get past the internal problems or die. There was no one to help me if I failed.

If you need to, have a meltdown and burn up the excess energy, then email your professors. Stick only to the facts. And cut them a break. None of us are mind readers. Instead of assuming anything about anyone's opinion, let them tell you. Look your fears in the eye and say "F*** THIS S***! NOBODY STOPS ME". Then take a step forward. Then another, and so on.

I dated a professor for 8 years. Believe me, I know it would almost be better to feel the hate (caring in a negative way), but most of them don't care. Unless it was a lab partner or something, most people would wonder, but not really hate (sorry, had a lab partner who dropped out in the middle of an assignment; he got out, and I got the 'F'...grrr...

I know it may sound crazy, but you are the one who's in Uni. You are the one who gets the benefit, or lack thereof, if you stay or go. Who cares what other people think?

Having worked with college and non-college people for decades, I can tell you there's a real payoff to graduating with a 4-year degree. Don't sell yerself short...

Hi again. Thanks for the advice yesterday. So, I've written emails or spoken to everyone at this point- have yet to hear back from some of them, but man that was a ridiculously hard, time-consuming step.

@ Mystery: the anger sounds like a good idea. I know whenever I have actually gotten angry, it does make me more productive. Unfortunately, while it can take almost a year for me to feel genuine anger at something, the emotions of shame or panic seem to occur at the drop of a hat. I haven't figured out yet whether those sort of private meltdowns are beneficial in some way.

As for the other stuff, believe me- I am not planning on going home without the completion of the degree. Whether or not a liberal arts degree from Berkeley is that helpful or not, going home without one would be the third strike (I have no HS diploma, only equivalency) and I know I wouldn't be able to cope with that.

...and I'm only emotionally egocentric enough to think people will personally care what I do. Logically, I'm sure they have their own lives. But I'm already naturally inclined to paranoia, and I had a bad experience with a professor last semester finding out my current disability was mental (technically they are not supposed to know what the disability is, only that you have one) and giving me a really hard time because of it. (Possibly because she lost her leg to cancer, so in comparison I am just an exploitation of the system. I'm sure that was hard for her. During early adolescence, I was put on a long term, now-discontinued drug treatment for advanced malignant melanoma that hindered my ability to produce endorphins and seemed to trigger all other kinds of symptoms of mental disorders that I'd never experienced fully before- but I guess that just makes me a crazy waste of time.)

But, anyhow- the way she treated me set my already lacking confrontational skills back another couple years. Still, I know MOST professors would have no reason to take that stuff personally- it's just when you meet the one lady who does, it can throw you a bit.

Making it to class has always been my biggest downfall. My work is usually pretty solid, and the unique perspective certainly seems to help in upper division theoretical classes. But I know it's something I need to just force myself to do.