Negative Diagnosis

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I've had almost every symptom of medium-to-high functioning autism I've seen since I was born. Stimming, uncontrollable behavior (like not being able to stop humming in first grade), almost complete disconnection from the world around me which drove my teachers insane, trouble with facial expressions, eye avoidance, inability to make social connections... the entire gamut. Over the years, I had so many behaviors trained out of me -- like never swinging my arms when I walked, and stimming because people will think I'm nuts -- so many rules -- yet, I still cannot succeed outside of adhering to those extremely strict social rules (which do not succeed either -- for example, being the best employee you can be means you're a suck-up to the other employees, which makes them your enemy, and I'm easy to destroy on the social network). I live on a very thin thread when it comes to "functioning", autistic or not. Maybe my problems are due to bad luck: extreme LACK of ability to socialize early in life due to a lack of kids my age, bad luck in grade schools, and an unusual family life with extreme behaviors around me 24/7.

I had thought that, given the numerous psychiatrists I had seen throughout my life, that one of them may have mentioned autism to my parents and that they were keeping it from me for my own good. I just confirmed that isn't true. None of them ever mentioned it and I have to take this as a negative diagnosis. Granted, this was over 30 years ago and they generally didn't diagnosis this, I figured it would have eventually showed up. I understand the dangers of self-diagnosing to a novice level (I have a minor in Psychology). I have to assume I don't have AS or autism and that I'm just "broken", as I said before I learned about AS, in some other way I don't understand. The only diagnoses I have ever gotten was a smirk and a pill for depression and generalized anxiety, which never did anything.

My mother mocks me once in a while saying, "Oh, that must be the Awez-burgers," and now I know why -- they find it silly, I think, and I feel embarrassed. Humiliated, actually, which is one of the reasons I did not want to go for an official diagnosis, which would probably just be another smirk, a giant bill not covered by insurance, and a pill.

I don't know what to do, but I do know to not ever mention it again and to hope this embarrassment eventually goes away. Even though I can relate so much to people here with AS, apparently I am an intruder here and I cannot be a hypocrite and claim I understand that which I must not be able to relate to. It's a problem of perspective -- I completely related to all of the things here, I thought, I really did, but it must be something else. Or maybe it is truly all in my head.

I give up on it. I'm so sorry.

don't apologise, u should not be ashamed of yourself.
try looking for a professional that is familar with the whole notion of aspergers a specialist preferably.
go to them tell them about yourself and they can help u take it from there.


u are welcome here btw.

I feel bad that you get made fun of when you have a problem. You know yourself best, because you live in your head. Try to relax and get a second opinion. It may take a while to save up for it.

Thanks, guys; I really needed some encouragement. I just feel like I don't know where I fit. Objectively, it is a 100% match for AS, but unless someone from the outside tells me otherwise, I have to always wonder, and since none of the plethora of psychologists ever even hinted at it -- well, it just don't know because it is me doing the measuring. I can't see those psychologists again -- there is no creature on earth I have more trouble talking to than them. I hate them. I literally hate them for what they've done to me and my family. I hate them for the way they smirked at me and judged me without clarifying what they didn't understand and threw pills at me that did nothing but make me nauseous and took my hard-earned money. As I dig deep, I realize, I hate them more than I hated those who socially punished me in school. I'm not exaggerating here -- I just checked internally. I will never voluntarily see a psychologist again. I'm willing to pay any price to forget they even exist. I'd rather talk to a stone. A stone would understand me more than a psychologist.

If it weren't for this board, I would truly believe I was completely alone in life.

I think I just gotta move on and forget about it and just be the best "me" I can be, to hell with the social troubles. This is good, really. I'm going to collapse into my own world and channel these frustrations into something that is going to make me enough money to be considered "eccentric". I think it just might happen. It will be tough to succeed and be a good person, but I am going to do it. I will channel this entire thing, no matter what it is, into power. Sometimes, when I can't get around a wall, I have to go through it. I feel sorry for the wall. A little. Naw, hell, I will tear through this wall and laugh maniacally while doing it. I might take pictures.

Thanks again, guys. This is truly a Haven.

Although it sounds like you most likely are AS, in a sense it doesn't matter. Read around here somewhere "Asperger's is not an excuse, it's an explaination". You are who you are, and whether who you are falls into the clinical diagnosis of AS or not, it won't change who you are. An informal diagnosis of AS has helped me in figuring myself out, but having a formal diagnosis doesn't matter, unless you need medication (and usually a "lesser" diagnosis of depression, an anxiety disorder, ADD, etc. will suffice) or for access to services. So when your mom says "must be the Awez-burgers", reply (not necisarily out loud ) "maybe, but it IS me".

My experiences exactly, though I have been dealing with marriage counseling, not personal therapy. Its the worst thing I could have done for my marriage.
None of them even got close to identifying our problems, becuase they were so anxious to give advice, and couldn't trouble themselves to listen and respect. (The last one listened, but its too late.)

I did not get a dx, don't know why I would need one. And I would not go for a dx, because I am afraid I would get a negative (you look so adjusted - you can't possibly have this!) which would make me more confused. I also don't know what a positive would do for me. I am very happy diagnosing myself, and it doesn't really make a difference if its right or wrong. It helps me understand myself, and thats what is important here.

Thanks guys -- you're right, at least I can use the resources to better myself, even if I have that big question-mark.

I've found the same thing, now that I've had some time to calm down. It really has helped me a lot to talk on here. I guess I'm just bitter because I know, without at least a hint of that as I grew up, that my parents will never accept it. There was once a time where another student in school told his mother who was friends with my mother that I was conceited. My mother, for the next decade or so, would constantly tell me how I was conceited. I had no idea where that came from until I finally confronted her about it, since inside, I felt anything but conceited, feeling far less then those around me -- an appropriate feeling that people never, ever hesitated to remind me of. This did make me bitter and I lashed out, absolutely, which didn't help, but I forgive myself for that now, aspie or not. That one person's opinion so shaped my mother's view of me because it was from someone else that it was the de facto truth for her and, in many ways, it destroyed my relationship with her during that time (things are much better now as I got older).

The uncontrollable behaviors I had when I was around 5 years old should have at least been a clue that something was wrong. But, no; because I had perfect pitch, could play music on the piano by ear, was ahead of my class, and picked up a computer and just knew how it worked -- no, apparnetly I couldn't struggle with anything. No! In fact, I remember thinking so many things that make sense to me now, one of the biggest is a phrase I told myself so often: "You're not allowed." I was held to a standard beyond those around me because of these "gifts", which I hated so indescribably much, which made it doubly hard because I couldn't even interact to a normal standard, much less be held to the one I was. They'd make social mistakes and get a free pass. I'd make one -- the smallest of ones -- and it would be like heaven and hell itself falleth upon me in retribution.

The biggest problem is, now that I adhere strictly to the social rules, I still can't succeed socially and have to work my behind off finding a way to pull a rabbit out of my hat because I can't seem to stay employed. If I stray one millimeter from the rules, I wind up in a domino effect that leaves me embarrassed, stressed, and fretting. On my job -- at those moments I have one -- I adhere strictly to what an employee should be, but doing that makes me a liar and suck-up because nobody really does that and I must be trying to manipulate people, not just make it through the day.

I did overreact to this information though. I started unsubscribing from threads and removed my bookmark, thinking I couldn't be on this board. Instead, I just updated my profile and will continue to enjoy this site, even if I can't say definitively that I'm am aspie. Thanks, guys