Before I begin, let me just start out by saying that at the age of sixteen, I moved to Michigan with my aunt and my uncle to change myself for the better. My cousins who live there and adopted me as a brother and took me with them wherever they went. Since much of asperger's is learning social skills and seeing as though they are all charasmatic and very good at making conversation, starting relationships, etc. I slowly started to break out of my shell, so to speak. Pretty soon, I picked up enough to live a somewhat normal life. I was making friends, starting to get out more, starting to be the funny and witty guy that everyone likes. I was still far from what many would consider normal, but I was getting there.
By the time I left Michigan after graduation at 17, I was at my happiest. I was getting out there and talking to people a little bit. At the time, I also had a major breakthrough with my image, as I was starting to lift a lot and for the first time in my life, I wasn't a skinny little twig as I had been throughout my entire childhood/adolescent phase. My self esteem was higher than it had ever been. Everyone I met I had in stitches and I hadn't met anyone who didn't like me. I was always in a good mood, in good spirits and from what I hear, had many girls who found me attractive (unfortunately, relationships were the only thing I was still very oblivious to). However, somewhere along the line something within me changed. I think it was just before my nineteenth birthday that I started to become very introverted all over again. I was constantly depressed and started to think I wasn't worthy of living in this world. I was at the lowest point in my life and didn't know why. I felt much of the charm and wit I had was gone, much of it I wouldn't have even aquired had it not been for the move, observing others with excellent social skills. I feel my friends are noticing some change in me and feel like I am distancing myself from them little by little.
My self esteem has been dropping for the past year over a gradual period of time. I am constantly depressed or anxiety ridden and let it affect every aspect of my life. This week, we had a big research paper due but I couldn't concentrate on it because everytime I went to read the materials or write the assignment out I couldn't focus on it because I have my mind on so many other things. Nobody else would understand this because they can understand the world around them, something which still confuses the hell outta me. I've attempted suicide once which scares me because i've been thinking seriously a lot about it lately and even though I know it's not the answer, it's become a friendly alternative to a life of misery, especially when the external factors of my life actually become bad (I have things pretty good externally now). I know people who have things in their life falling apart right now, yet they all seem to be content and happy with themselves. I don't understand why I feel the way that I do and often feel guilty for it because I realize others have it much worse. I just find it difficult to live with myself. I've been referred to a psychiatrist, and I don't know how much good that'll do but i'm hoping for the best because once I change my outlook, I can work on the things that bother me with a greater stride.
I'm just at a loss of what to do, how to think. I just feel so out of touch with the world I live in and feel myself drifting further and further from it. I worry about where i'm going, I worry that i'll never find someone to make me happy, and i'm worried that i'll never find happiness within myself. I look at my dad (who is just like me and I suspect to have AS as well, just not diagnosed) and he's never been happy. I've just lost all interest in life, as it's become dull and repedative. I think it's become this way because I am too limited as a person to make it any fun or to find interest in what it has to offer. Either way, I think it may have stemmed from not being able to communicate all the things that bother me, and I figured I should post this up here on the boards and maybe get a little bit of insight from others who would understand where I am coming from. Sorry so long, it's something that's been building up for a while.
27 Apr 2008, 2:44 pm
