Dear mum

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I need to post this poem. I don't know why. I just do. This is like an ending of sorts. An ending to the self hate. An ode to what I once was. I was 18 when I wrote this.


Dear Mum,

You strive for perfection, for a world of pure white.

Other shades don’t exist in your world and you won’t rest until you’ve destroyed all the imperfection.

You’re always restless.

I see the world the way you do; and in it I’m black.

Black as the night.

You scrub and scrub away at me and remain unsatisfied.

“You’re wrong,” you tell me, “you’ve no one to blame but yourself.”

I’m all wrong.

I know it’s always my fault.

Sometimes my complete imperfection and wrongness becomes too much for you to bear and you won’t speak or look at me for hours.

So I won’t see the hatred in your eyes.

I’m all wrong.

Every day I try harder to please you but my efforts are doomed to failure. How can a worthless nothing like me ever hope to succeed?

I’m a failure for a daughter.

Sometimes in your heartbreak you tell me so.

I’m like a blunt knife in your side, twisting excruciatingly slowly.

You love me but I’m black in your world.

I’m killing you slowly.

I’m a murderer.

You’re determined to smooth out my imperfections, using the burning hot iron of your words on the creases of my self.

At the same time the iron burns holes in my heart and I retreat within myself, hiding behind a semipermeable wall of numbness.

A necessary sacrifice.

My self esteem crumples under your onslaught and my worthless self is revealed in all its ugly glory.

I’m dying inside.

You cry sometimes. Break down and ask God what have you done to deserve me? You beg for a different daughter, a daughter that’s not a lazy, selfish, dumb, greedy, shallow, unfeeling b***h.

As you crumble, I crumble. I cannot survive without the wall you have become for me to stop me from falling.

If I could rip out my heart I would. I’d scrub it and scrub it and scrub it until all the filth, all the imperfection has gone away. I’d give it to you.

I love you mummy.

Cut me, stab me, tear me apart, kill me slowly. I deserve to die.
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That was very moving, sunshower. You're a fine poet, being able to put things down on paper like that.

I'm glad to hear it's the end of self hatred on your part - you seem really nice and you deserve to be loved, both by yourself and by others.

Wow, I think that is the first poem ever to make me cry. I have no words that are adequate...

Mediocre at best.

Yeah I know the language of the poem does sound very cliche and unoriginal and all that, but I didn't write it to be emo, or to win a poetry competition (I've got other poems for that). If I had, I would have posted it under the writing Forum. I simply opened myself up, and those were the words that came out.

I meant every word. And those were the best and only words to exactly describe how I was thinking and feeling.

But thankyou for your comment, and for stating your opinion. I do appreciate other peoples opinions. Although I would recommend being careful in future of posting critical comments in The Haven. I'm ok with it, but other people posting in this particular forum might be easily hurt. Again though, I respect your right to an opinion, and I'd be happy for you to critique any poems I might post up in the writing forum in future.

Hi Sunshower!

It is gut-wrenchingly beautiful! You're poem moved me to tears. I think it's the best poem I've ever read! No Kidding! I love it because it's so genuine, and brutally honest. Thank you for sharing it with us, and thank God those feelings are in the past now. I hope sharing your poem with us brought you some peace and healing.


Stay as strong and beautiful as you are!

That sun is a great icon snugglebee! It was probably a bit silly of me to post the poem up twice, but I really felt the urge to after hiding it away all these years and never showing it to anyone. I posted it up with the rest of my poems on fictionpress, but I changed the words of it, and thus destroyed its integrity, as I felt ashamed of how brutal and honest it was.

I don't think it's the best poem I've ever written, but I think it's one of the most honest.