Meltdown (again) *sigh* when no one was home

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Update: 1-01-09

Before on this forum I have mentioned that I have screaming / swearing meltdowns when my parents aren't home. And when they are home I would hit myself. Now I'm starting to get into another bad happit and that's choking myslef until I pass out on the floor. I don't want to scare anyone here. But from being on The Haven page, I notice that lots of Aspies get dark thoughts sometimes. Sometimes as far as even Suicide.

I don't know what to do.

I'm always feeling stressed out, full of anxiety, forcing myself to rush around the household helping my parents, etc.

My parents are very kind and profide stuff for me to survive for now including food, health, shelter and lifeskills.

But there's a part of me that just HATES THEM!

I've already mentiond loads of times that they are Serious People that conform to every society norm in the book and they are very duel, strict, and must of the time I can't regonize if they are angry with me, rude to me, sarcastic, etc.

This is my second day off and home all day with them. Today is just the worst. Then I have the weekend. I'm probably going to slip any minute.

I have to hide any sign of stress from them otherwise I'll never get out of here and live on my own.

Plus I'm hiding my Androgyne secrets from them

Just recently my parents were yelling at the AT&T company on the phone because they were suppost to be here between 8-10am. The modem is in my room so you can see what's fusterating to me. I can care less about TV. My parents act like it's the only joy to them.

I can't stand the sound of anger, esspecially my house hold. The thing that haunts me is that my parents are going to think that I'm homosexual because I'm Androgynous and I'm into Androgyny, even though that has nothing to do with it and there's nothing wrong with either of them.


I think I'm just going to stop playing the "Nothings wrong with me" game with my pharapist and expose all this.............I don't know.

I don't know where to go in my life right now to express these Androgynous feelings. All I know is it's not allowed at my parents house in which I have to stay here until I hear from my appartment as soon as it's ready for me to move right in.

I'm starting to take a more serious look at me psychogical health. My parents have been angry and upset because the AT&T TV company has been screwing up because the digital cable keeps going on us. My Step Mother is starting to have a temper and I know that it's not towards me but she says that she just wants to scream and break someone's neck (but of course she wouldn't actually hurt anyone).

The sound of Anger both Threatens me and gives me unsave feelings.

I don't know what to do, the pressure is rediculaus. Plus I have to keep playing normal towards my parents for the next 5 months when my appartment should come up.

I really had some horrable anxiety today. My parents expect me to act perfect around them and never to raise my voice in anger even if they have the freedom to do so themselves. That makes me angry.

Anyone know how to cope living with parents that cause you anxiety every single day for 5 more months? If anyone knows how to do it, please respond. Thanks.