I'm so depressed!

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I know what's going to happen. I'll try to get attention in a positive way-- I'll try to learn to drive so that I can become a paramedic-- but I won't be able to because of my disability. And all I ever want to do is become a paramedic. I don't like any of the other career choices. I find them either too difficult for me with my disability (like joining the artillery in the armed forces) or too boring and wimpy (like being a secretary).


So I'll turn to negative options. Like I did before, when I failed to get enough attention for myself on a Myst webboard just by writing stories about Myst, I turned to hacking the moderators' accounts and trolling to get my attention and for my source of pride. They paid attention to me that time. One of them even told me I had a talent.


I cried for Kimveer Gill, because I understood him.


I was angry on Seung-Hui Cho's behalf, because I understood him.


I just nodded when I heard about Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris, because I understood them.


I want to save people, but I also want to kill them. What the flying f**k is wrong with me?


I know I would be good as a school shooter. I have it all planned out in my head.


I want to contact Kimveer Gill's best friend, Rajid Rajan, who was planning to do something similar before he was put in a psych ward for a 30-day evaluation and then released to his parents. I want partners in crime; I don't want to do it alone, but I'll do it alone if I have to.


What the f**k am I talking about? Am I actually talking about doing it? I'm not going to do it! I don't want to end up in the SHU in Sainte-Anne-des-Plaines for the rest of my days.


I can't do it. My boyfriend will stop loving me if I do it. My son will probably grow up hating me if I do it. But I want so badly to do it, because it sounds like so much fun! I even thought of a way not to get shot-- hide in a locker room and shoot people one by one as they come in,
then hide the bodies in the shower and just keep shooting the people that come in until I have a pile of bodies in the shower, then disappear before someone finds them. And if a class comes in all at once, I would shoot into the crowd and then disappear, and hopefully not kill anyone, just injure them and scare everybody, so that I probably would get parole after 25 years. Or even 15.


I fit the profile of a spree killer; did I tell you that?


I want to do something significant with my life, good or bad!


I'm so depressed! I also feel oppressed by people, people telling me what to do and trying to run my life. Even though nobody is doing that right now. And I feel judged by people. Not nearly as much since I was medicated, though. Now I barely feel judged, and my feelings of oppression are good judgement because my boyfriend's mother really is controlling and I hsad to put my mother in her place or she would have controlled me too.


My heart goes out to poor Cho who felt psychologically raped. I know exactly what he meant and exactly how that feels. People getting close to you, pushing themselves into your business and making changes, trying to change you because they don't like you as you are.


I cried and cried for Kimveer. I never knew him. I never met him. But I felt so close to him when I read about him and then read his journal. He was oppressed by his mother when he was younger just like I was oppressed by mine when I was younger. She still maintains that yes, she was cdontrolling, but that it was for my own good, that she was trying to help me fit into the NT world. But she took away my rights in order to do that. She forced me to take something from her that I did not want, and PAY for the privilege.


I was thinking not long ago about taking an overdose to get attention, but I don't want to die. I'm scared of death. I'm not scared of prison, though. Well, maybe a little bit scared of what the inmates who are parents might do to me.


I'm so at a loss.

I know how you feel I too have felt that way. I have fantasised about shooting people I have read a lot on school shooters. But I wouldnt do it the consequences not only for you but for everyone would be terrible. I say to you that how you feel is understandable in general for a lot of aspies it is an isolating experience I know from personal experience. But stay strong and think but dont do get help if you want to do it. As for driving don't worry about it I am 29 on Friday and have only had my licence for six months I could not have driven when I was younger I wasnt ready. Perhaps you just need to wait and take your time.

I want to talk to a shrink about it but you can't get counseling for free where I live and where I'm visiting, I won't be for long, so there's no point in just going for one or two days.


I might get Medicaid, though, so maybe I'll get it... and my psychiatrist said he had told my caseworker to look for a counselor or something, but still no news. He hasn't forgotten that he told my caseworker to do that, though.