Disillusionment and blues

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Well I suppose I have to say something, otherwise my inner demons will keep pushing me down till I decide to slit my throat with a kitchen knife or more preferably, blast my head off with a firearm. I've felt a repression to speak ever since I did one of my casts that got such a negative buzz from anal-retentive viewers that I haven't done another one in two weeks at least. And now I also feel the inner pressures of society pressing metaphorically on the backside of my head. Lack of ambition, lack of woman seeking, lack of all things society expect normal 25 year old men to be doing. Normally I wouldn't be thinking about those things but I can't help but "feel" it. Not literally but the vibe or ques from things I see around me at times, whether its on the internet or seeing couples or even attractive women. Its a real pain, and my family is trying to get me to try and not feel so bad about those things but, it keeps coming back.

Its times like these where I want to kill myself. I have the hardest time trusting people (in my age group) and I am only down to one other friend to trust. Its times like this I hate being human. After all, these are my failings and my problems, and people don't need my burdens. But at the same time its that same line of thinking and lack of talking about it thats causing the spiraling down.

Its one of those things where I WANT TO BE PROVEN WRONG about people my age, their untrustworthiness, their lack of understanding, but everyday more examples that just keep proving me right. Its most likely bitterness against myself and bitterness against others my age but I can't help but feel it. Its like a pyschological defense mechanism after the whole PTSD thing with boot camp. Mom isn't helping with her pep talk, I have a feeling shes kinda being an enabler at this point so thats why I am trying to talk to people outside my family.

Don't get me started on my future either, because frankly once my parents go I think it'll be time to eat a shotgun. I know thats way off, (20 or more years at least until they get to the typical end of human life) and I can only hope it doesn't come to that. I have no prospects, no future, blah blah here I go again :-p. I bet I sound like a broken record at this point.

I've heard enough negativity and chastising from people to the point where I wouldn't be surprised if the first post that replies to this is condemning and just stereotypical "pick yourself up" stuff I've heard too many times. Of course I'll get over it, for a while. Tell that to someone whos been through mental hell and ask them to just get over it.

Sorry if this causes people to go out on tangents but thats how I feel right now and yes I know feelings go away. I'll leave you with this quote, from me. " There is no greater injustice, than the suppression of someone's right to speak. Even if that person's opinion is an unpopular one."

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist? That might help. You also might want to consider a psychiatric outpatient program. It's actually fairly pleasant and they have alot of techniques to teach you to cope with problems and alot of other resources as well. I know how you feel about worrying what will happen to you when your parents die. What I'm doing is just working on various little things that will make me independent someday little by little. By the time 20 years goes by, you should be in a better place to look after yourself.

> Of course I'll get over it, for a while. Tell that to someone whos been through mental hell and ask them to just get over it.

I hear your pain and feel similar often. The shiny-happies do not understand. I don't have any advice, just wanted to say I can relate to the sense of torture, bitterness, futility, struggle and desire to escape.

In fact, it's a need to escape and find some solace, joy, something to make the struggle worthwhile, and those redemptive instances can be few and far between.

About trust, I haven't trusted many and when betrayed it's been in smallish ways. I don't mind trusting few, as long as a few can be trusted.

Last time we tried a therapist it was pretty frustrating. This doc was obviously very new at understanding ADULT aspergers, she was used to dealing with kids who have it. Also I tend to have a very pessimistic view on things and we've gone through 3-4 psychs already with little success. Me being someone who doesn't like to waste resources on things with too much risk of failure decided against further pursuit of it.

I feel the same way a lot. With me I think it's the mental vacuum that creates a lot of the intense negativity. When I don't have enough positive thoughts or obsessions to channel my energy my mood takes a precipitous turn.

I also don't like having people tell me how I "should" feel as it's completely useless. I'm an intelligent person and I've come to the realization that I don't have much direct control over my mood. Hearing all that "look on the bright side, you could have worse problems" and "pull yourself up by your boot straps" jazz really doesn't do anything but dig me deeper.

I do want to find things I can do to cope better but I need to approach it from a more realistic/scientific perspective. I want to find things that actually work but the first step for me is being able to freely express what I feel without having to endure people's criticisms. I'm with you on that.

"freely express what I feel without having to endure people's criticisms. I'm with you on that."

A-friggin-men on that.