Meltdown

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I attended a meeting today and had a full-blown, headbanging meltdown in front of my case-worker. It came as the last straw of over a year of stress due to work-related issues where I had to initiate a formal complaint some time ago. I can't remember having such a meltdown as an adult in front of anyone but family, and it's embarrassing.

It was triggered by something they said. I remember them telling me they'd received a message from the head of the department I'm making a complaint against. The way they described the message made it sound as though the head was scrutinising me and trying to find a reason to unfairly criticize me, after all the bad things the department had done. Panic took over and I started shaking and couldn't speak. I tried to stem it by writing down a response.

My case-worker tried to reassure me the head wasn't unfairly scrutinising, but had no evidence to back this up. I was then advised to go back to the department I am making the complaint against and attend some meetings for the sake of appearances. This, I think, was the last straw. I started to break down and slam my head and arms everywhere.

Once it was over, I stayed hunched over for the next 1/2 hour, occasionally talking. I recovered quickly, but remained foggy and nauseous. The case-worker had some familiarity with mental health issues, as well as AS, so wasn't completely shocked as far as I can tell.

I was encouraged to go back to the psychiatrist I saw last year, but I said that wouldn't be necessary. I was then encouraged to see my GP. I don't know whether or not to do so. The case-worker again encouraged me, saying this event is a sign that the stress is getting overwhelming and I might harm myself. I feel guilty because I hadn't been able to control myself, yet part of me is thinking I could have if I'd chosen to.

I also feel some embarrassment for what happened and the inconvenience it caused (arrangements had to be made for a lift home, and someone else lost part of their appointment due to it.) I don't know what to do. I'm afraid that something will trigger it again. I've been on the brink of it every time I've gone out this year and can only tolerate being out for under an hour before overload occurs.

Should I see my doctor, if only so he can more closely monitor my stress levels? I don't want to go on medication for several reasons, and particularly couldn't tolerate the thought that my department's failings had driven me to it. There's no access to anyone specialised in AS, so I'm not sure my doctor would be able to treat my case appropriately.

outlier, I'm so sorry this happened to you. Feel free to pm me.

Do you know about Rescue Remedy? Can you get some? There have been times in my life when I've been so on edge, I kept it always with me for use as needed. Sometimes several times an hour until you feel better. The spray is great [drops work well too]. Spray [or drops] under tongue. It's very calming/soothing.

Other things-- Some vigorous exercise like jogging, hiking or swimming until you're physically exhausted....or a sauna, something to get you sweating...or just a long hot bath/shower. And if weather cooperates, being out in sun might be relaxing. ...Chamomile tea?

If there's anything I can do to help, let me know.

Try to get in contact with the other people that have also been put trough all of this, at least to know how other people have succeeded (received support) and to see if they know of other people that can help (not those douchebags).

And have a plan B
art, drawing, writing, something you like.

I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I hope that you are feeling better by the time that you read this.

Although it may sound like "psychobabble," it sounds like one of the best things that you can do for yourself is give yourself "permission" to have "meltdowns," "bad days," "breakdowns," whatever you want to call it/them. EVERYBODY has such experiences, even the people you'd least expect.

What matters most is how you respond/react when experiencing such feelings. As difficult as it can be to do, I've had times--hours, even days at a time--when I've felt like like a child babbling in a corner, rocking back and forth, while I repeat to myself for as long as it takes, "This feeling is like a cloud or a storm, and it WILL pass, and I WILL get up again and begin to function again."

...and when the Buddhist "Everything passes, everything changes, Kundun" approach, there's always the one that I learned years ago:

Don't let the bastards grind you down!

and it's corollary,

I'll be d*mned if I'm going to go out like THIS...

Please take care...and good luck. You'll get through it all--go easy on yourself.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened.

That's what I tell myself and told myself today (not a meltdown though, just embarrassing shutdown crying) too. And I know it is wrong to tell myself this if I did a lot and tried to take the stress. From the sounds of it, you really hold your ground there too before the stress was just too overwhelming for anyone who isn't superhuman.

So even if you tell yourself (which I can understand because I think that too today) you really should have controlled yourself in some way, you shouldn't forget it's wrong to blame yourself for not doing better when you did so much already (even if that turns out to be hard to believe as it does for me when I fail)!

I believe that reason will win over irrationality any time, it just takes a lot of time. Good luck with that.

Thank you for your support. It means a lot to know I can PM you.

Thank you for the suggestions on relaxation. I'll try some. I'm not well enough for vigorous exercise, but am able to go for walks.




I will consider it once I hear the outcome of the complaint. The other people I did hear of weren't in my section of the department. They also didn't have quite as serious issues to deal with. Also, in my case, AS complicates the situation (e.g., more vulnerability to stress.)

My email account there (still active) regularly receives messages on how serious the place is about disability, equal opportunities etc. It's mostly words. However, they do provide information on what to do if you are having issues relevant to this. The way my case was handled exacerbated pre-existing conditions, and the director I had to work with treated me differently due to my disability status (by being too afraid to provide critical feedback and deadlines, and by using the disability as an excuse to apply for extra time/funds when it was actually his negligence that produced the need for such), so that could be an avenue to explore.

I have vague ideas for a plan B, but doubt it would generate income before my savings run out. I think I'll be eligible for disability until I work again. I'm physically and mentally burnt out from the last year, so that's going to be an important factor in when I can work.




Thank you. I'm feeling a bit better now.



This sounds like good advice.



I like that!



Very true.



Thank you. This helps a lot. It is irrational to feel guilty for becoming overwhelmed and ill. When remembering the event, it does seem very unusual for me, melting down in full view of someone who isn't family, indicating the extreme pressure I must have been under. I haven't heard back from the case-worker yet; they said they'd email me. I don't know how they really took the event.