Fate, leave me be.

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(Just as a clarification, since upon rereading it I made it way more obscure than I intended...I guess this is just a rant about dealing with asperger's, the whole "why me?" yadda yadda. I honestly don't know why I wrote it in the dense text that I did, it just felt good to do so.)

I’m locked in this despicable cage of deep contemplation and sorrow-filled overview. The steepest of mountains and the tallest of trees may shield the view of the scenery, but it cannot bar the vistas of truth and knowledge. This sour pit that intrudes my stomach, leave me be! I can taste its bitterness not just in the tongue, but in the gut. This hollow, lonely gut from this hollow, lonely being. Why was I not born here? Why was I not born now? The clock of my desires is irrepairably slow, and the map of my soul shows no resemblance to the long reaching latitudes of the men around me. Am I too far beyond the outlier? I am nothing to them, and they are nothing to me. I will be decieved, I will be wronged, and I will be tempted for what I can’t have, be or be not. Happiness brings no comfort to me. How must I be to put up with such absurdity? What cruel being would put a man like me among the populace, to be nothing but misunderstood? A quiet man, I am not! The sounds of my thought could compete with the mightiest volcano. Drums would shatter at the volume of my inner pleas. And for what? To live a life of creation? Or to live a life of predictable grind? Where am I to go, and whom am I to be? What am I? Am I some sort of prototype? Asperger’s? Asperger’s! Was it out of curiousity? Am I suffering for a higher experiment? What kind of living thing deserves to be subjected to such mental zigzagging? Or is it purely a luck of the draw? Was this all merely chance and coincedence, and I am the unfortunate outlier? Nonsense! It is all nonsense to me! Every observation! Every last journal! Every melody I discover! Every point I argue! Every last thought I have ever owned! Nonsense! Pointless! Mindless! Pure psychological nonsense! If only my saliva carried any kind of meaning, for I expel every last drop of it from my body, and I throw every curse that contains any inch of worth toward that which decided me.

Fate, leave me be.

whywhywhy!

nice piece of writing. ultimately you either take up a faith, or not, in answer to your questions.

While I churned that out in about 15 minutes, inspired by a truly miserable day, it's not until now that I realize exactly how much information has been condensed here. Literally, every sentence here could have its own paragraph analysis and still not cover everything I meant by it. So, I guess, my apologies for the melodramatic density. I've never written anything like that, but it just felt so good to do so.

I think this was inspired by loneliness. Not loneliness as in lack of friends or love interest, but simply loneliness in people that genuinely understand me, and vice versa. Loneliness also in relating to people. Loneliness for a true self that I can show to people without getting mocked, laughed at, or unappreciated and misunderstood. Today has been a truly terrible day. I've done nothing but run a few miles. I've barely eaten in the last couple of days, and have had little to drink.

But what scares me even more is that I shouldn't be sad right now. There are a lot of good things happening in my life, and yet everything just feels so uncomfortable, hence the line "Happiness brings no comfort to me. How must I be to put up with such absurdity?" I shouldn't be miserable, yet I am. I shouldn't be worrying about a lot of the things I am, yet I do. I can't help it. I feel like anyone telling me not to worry would be like telling an OCD sufferer to stop being so OCD. It's way beyond my control.

And the emotional pain physically hurts. I can feel it in my stomach, and I'll tell everyone here that I'd much rather be physically ill from a stomachache or the flu than deal with this nonsense.

Ugh.

Ugh.

UGH!

*sigh*

you can make the case that depression is a 'reality attack' and that happiness is for the slightly deluded or 'blinkered'. so in that sense, what you feel is both sane and appropriate.

i know what you mean about the relentless loneliness of it, of having no 'tribe' or 'kin' relationships. i think i have dogs to alleviate that.

it was nice the 'melodramatic density', it was very compressed!

different, unusual, i liked it.

Wow, that was really good...and I think I needed to read that right now. It expressed some things I have been trying to express for quite a while but can never seem to put into words in a way I feel truly represents what I feel.

And I completely sympathize with all of it.