Just Quirky vs HFA or Aspergers

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I'm a member of another site and had posted this question there and was referred to wrong planet

My son is possibly on the spectrum. He's almost 4. He's brilliant with letters and phonics and handwriting- but socially he lags tremendously. Ex: He will sit ON the train tracks the other kids are playing with. Rarely makes eye contact and completely shuts down when reprimanded in any way. He also has obsessive issues that cause him to cry a lot over seemingly inconsequential things.

Well on our journey to discover our child's needs and struggles and more adequately help him, I am having LOTS of questions about my own self and what makes the difference? Am I on the spectrum? My husband and I both have sensory issues (sometimes conflicting with the other's preferences- ugh lol) and I have major anxiety issues as well as need for everything to look clean and organized. Not like neat freak- Ex: I don't mind if there are piles of laundry. But if they aren't in a "laundry place" I feel like crying or simply fixing it offers me HUGE relief as though I've just read a novel or some thing.

I guess I'm wondering where the line is? When I look back, lots of family members on both sides seem "quirky"- How does one make the decision to get evaluated? And if you as an adult have over come so much and learned to function amidst your struggles, how does that relate to your parenting children through theirs? Are the better off fighting those fights? It made you who you are right? When is the decision made to get medical intervention?

You can try to get diagnosed if you think you have something to gain from doing so. After all, maybe you have nothing significant to gain from it: maybe you know you're different, and have done enough in your life to get around your own social difficulties. Nobody is a better judge of this than you are. On the other hand if you find yourself having trouble making friends, or frequently clashing with people you are close to over communication difficulties or your own rigid habits or routines, perhaps there is some other problem you don't recognise and then maybe you would have something to gain from (say) an AS-oriented social skills group.

Also keep in mind that in a few years, the definition of Asperger's syndrome in the literature is likely to change with the publication of the DSM-5, perhaps being eliminated in favour of being a "mild" form of some autistic spectrum disorder.

I don't feel qualified to give advice on parenting; I defer that responsibility to others here.

Complex questions.

Well, it IS a spectrum disorder, so anything that smacks of "lines" is a fuzzy concept. But, all of the symptoms you have enumerated could place you and/or the people you are talking about somewhere there.

Whether or not you get evaluated is pretty much up to you. I am told it is difficult to do in adults, one of the things that separates HFAs from their lower functioning brethren is coping skills. Passing for normal is probably something you have gotten at least decent at by now.

Me, I don't have a diagnosis, but reading the list of symptoms and the posts on this site just explains so much.

Actually, if you have a child on the spectrum and you are somewhere there too, just communicating that they are not alone can be a huge relief for them. I dunno about others. but one of the worst things when I was a child was being alone. I never met anyone who was like me or even close. That got even worse in my teen years, with my obvious inability to increase my social skills to match the rapid evolution of those of my age peers. My youngest, who doesn't seem to be as far out on the spectrum as I, seems actually appreciative that I can sympathize. Which is a huge thing for a teenager...

So, no. Just letting him find his own path, sink or swim, likely isn't the best course. This is the sort of thing that is extremely vexing to ones who are further out on the spectrum. You get used to identifying and solving problems through shear intellect and willpower. But, this isn't something that can be 'fixed'. It is better to put time and energy into coping, not fixing. Because no amount of willpower, effort and intelligence will be able to change their brain structure enough to solve the issue. But, there are certainly ways to cope. The perfect example is Temple Grandin. While her life has been nowhere perfect, she has reached an accommodation with society despite being way out there on the spectrum. She is still as quirky as always, but she has developed ways to cope with those quirks.

Hope this helps.

I wouldn't be hasty to label yourself with something. Even if you're right, the help available is minimal. Now, I am concerned that I will use it as an excuse and assume some role as a victim. It doesn't change your situation in life. It is more of a coming to terms and understanding yourself issue with adults. If that is important to you then go ahead, but the peace of mind comes with a price tag.

I should say I have had a live-in neurotypical girlfriend before that shared many of the things you said. I am less emotional and more logical (called laidback and cool), except on the rare occasion where I would have an uncontrolled emotional outburst. I am more hyposensitive except for some noises. My biggest problem is that I just get worn down, everything from socializing to organising myself to going to work feels like I am always on 24-7, and I have to allow time to recuperate or I can burn out. I get rejuvenated by things like being in nature, hard physical exercise, and learning something difficult- what many would call work. Communication becomes an issue for me when I am tired or stressed. Most of my body language and expressiveness can disappear. I don't think I read nonverbal language well, but I do seem to do something entirely different because I can catch things that highly social people seem to miss.

When I was a kid, I can remember constantly being frustrated and even asking for help in learning how to fit in better with the other kids. I was told that I was shy and would grow out of it. As a parent, I would try to find a way to teach your child how to be more social and help him to connect with others. You can talk to him about his day and help him to understand why people acted the way they did. Think of it as teaching him people skills like a class. Challenge him to come up with his own answers to hypothetical examples. Give him reminders in real time when you can. And make sure you give him time alone and let him be himself.