Questioning and trying to figure it out...

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Well, this might be verbose, so I apologize in advance. I think I might have Asperger's Syndrome. I am in college now and only upon accidentally finding this site did I consider that I might be an Aspie, but I always knew I was different, and before I'd ever heard anyone else say it, I used to say to myself that I must be from a different planet, because I definitely didn't feel like I belonged to this one.

I identify a lot with what people say here. When I first came to this site, I was relieved to find that I wasn't the only person who felt all these things.

I hate small talk. It seems meaningless to me, and I never know what to say or what I'm supposed to say. I'd rather just start every conversation with "what's your personal opinion on the meaning of life?" to be honest. Seriously. I have these moments where all conversation seems empty and meaningless to me. My life has been punctuated with gaping silences, where I've never known what to say. I used to wonder if I was adopted, and even searched my house for evidence of it (and found nothing), because I don't understand my family and they don't understand me, and we struggle to make conversation. I always felt like I was the only one struggling, and it's only occurred to me now what I must have been like when I was little - always retreating to my room for hours on end. Even when I was with them, I wasn't. I see now that they must have struggled, too...

I didn't realize until I thought about it that when I was little, I couldn't make direct eye contact, and I remember practicing looking at my own eyes in the mirror until I could do it. But, I've realized now that I still don't really look people in the eye - I look at in between the eyes, or at a part of one eye, like the whites of their eyes, to give both them and me the illusion that I am.

I have a lot of stims. I used to look at the foggy corner of my glasses a lot in public, and when people asked why, I couldn't provide them with an answer. (I knew it was abnormal so I made something up about checking to see if I needed to clean them... like... every two seconds.) I used to shake my head a lot - and noticed I still do - really quickly and rapidly. I used to hand flap, but stopped. I used to rock when I got really upset, but only in my own room. It might have been for this reason that I first wondered if I was autistic when I was about fourteen or so.

All of my elementary teachers said that I lived in my "own little world." I was absorbed in books, mostly about cats and later on horses (I knew about their breeds, body language, and lots of other stuff.) I didn't care to join the rest of the world once, although it later on bothered me that I wasn't a part of it, since I had always described myself as being invisible to everyone else. It's only now occurred to me that I didn't have many friends when I was little.

I've always wanted to be a writer, and have a history of putting off important schoolwork in order to write... or write down parts of stories or social theories in the midst of classes... or write off essays by picking some random sub-theme and expounding on it convincingly enough for pages... For my pre-school graduation, my parents told me they'd get me a present, and I asked for and received a dictionary. I used to read the encyclopedias in my spare time - it was for this reason that upon meeting someone from Bangladesh, I suprised her by knowing that she spoke Bengali just from reading the encyclopedia... I am a fountain of somewhat useful facts. (I'd read about all the facts of many countries.)

But, I remember watching people, studying them like a clinical observer, ever since I was little. For that reason, I've been able to function pretty well in society. Some of my friends say I'm "normal" now (whatever that is) and some get frustrated at me, when I get so absorbed in writing and conceptual physics that it's all I ever talk about. One friend said, "Don't you ever talk about anythign real?" It surprised me, because I thought I was talking about something real. It was her gossip that I couldn't relate to.

Despite the fact I'm able to assimilate to the mainstream, I still find it exhausting and need a lot of time alone to recover. I've actually stopped assimilating as of late... I feel fake when I pretend to be interested in things like gossip in order to maintain a fluid conversation, when I feel intrusive and unkind to talk about it. And anyway, I feel like I'm cheating who I am. If that doesn't sound mean.

So... if you're still reading this... there it all is. I don't plan on getting a diagnosis - it seems like a waste of money. I'd rather give the hundred and fifty bucks to charity or something.

So, there it is. Hi everyone.

I hope that you don't mind. I copied your post and thought that I would reply by deleting all but the things that we share. I do this so you know that you're not alone, and also because I get carried away too easily. I have put in some of my own stuff, so I'll enclose yours in parentheses.

(I think I might have Asperger's Syndrome. I am in college... I always knew I was different, and before I'd ever heard anyone else say it, I used to say to myself that I must be from a different planet, because I definitely didn't feel like I belonged to this one.)

I am in college trying to complete my undergrad degree after many years. I am 51 years old, but what you have said is as meaningful to me now as when I was 2, 7, 14...My whole life.

(I identify a lot with what people say here. When I first came to this site, I was relieved to find that I wasn't the only person who felt all these things.
I hate small talk. It seems meaningless to me, and I never know what to say or what I'm supposed to say. I'd rather just start every conversation with "what's your personal opinion on the meaning of life?" to be honest. Seriously. I have these moments where all conversation seems empty and meaningless to me. My life has been punctuated with gaping silences, where I've never known what to say.)

Parts of my life, when I lived alone, I actually went days, weeks, months with out speaking to another human being. I never wondered whether I was adopted, but I've always lived with this little pocket of grief, because I had a twin that was miscarried when my Mom was three months pregnant. I've been so profoundly lonely at times that I thought I'd die, and I always think what if my twin had lived, then maybe I could have had a real friend growing up. Maybe I would not have been so alone. I always wondered why my faults seemed so intolerable to others. I just couldn't see how I was so different. I was 22 years old when I met Mike (my husband). I didn't have even one friend. Remarkably, one of the things that he liked most about me was that, as he put it, I was the most up front people that he had ever met. Mike is the one that taught me to carry-on a conversation.

(I don't understand my family and they don't understand me, and we struggle to make conversation. I always felt like I was the only one struggling, and it's only occurred to me now what I must have been like when I was little - always retreating to my room for hours on end. Even when I was with them, I wasn't. I see now that they must have struggled, too...)

Yes my family was always there and always loved me, but it has really always been as you describe. I really think that they did the best that they could. This is a loneliness and isolation that developed from within because of the aspergers. I just wish that people had known more about aspergers back then, but we're talking about the 50's, 60's.

(I didn't realize until I thought about it that when I was little, I couldn't make direct eye contact, and I remember practicing looking at my own eyes in the mirror until I could do it. But, I've realized now that I still don't really look people in the eye - I look at in between the eyes, or at a part of one eye, like the whites of their eyes, to give both them and me the illusion that I am.)

People always looked at me as if there eyes were distracted by a fly buzzing around. I realize that this is because they were trying to look into my eyes, and I couldn't keep them still. I would actually duck into rooms to avoid passing others while walking down the hallway or go to the other side of the street to avoid walking past others on the street, because I just didn't know where to look. I looked at the floor a lot. Believe it or not, one of the most helpful remedies for this was performing in a play in high school. The director actually had me come to the auditorium by myself, stand on the stage and perform my lines. Over and over, when my eyes would drop, even just a little, she would say, "Look up, look up!" In conversations my eyes always wanted to go to the ceiling. People always made fun of me asking me stuff like, "what's up there? Is there something on the ceiling?"

I also have a number of stims, even at 51 years. I try not to get caught doing them, but sometimes I feel that I just have to to relieve stress. It isn't a big deal for my husband and sons, but I'm very careful in public. If I absolutely must, I'll duck into a rest room.

(All of my elementary teachers said that I lived in my "own little world." I was absorbed in books, mostly about cats and later on horses (I knew about their breeds, body language, and lots of other stuff.) I didn't care to join the rest of the world once, although it later on bothered me that I wasn't a part of it, since I had always described myself as being invisible to everyone else.)

Except the books that consumed me were dog stories.

I share much of what you said about wanting to be a writer, reading the encyclodedia and researching topics. I love to journal and will spend hours doing so. It is still a problem for me in school, because the topics that I'm studying often set my mind off in a tangent, then all that I can think of is writing. If I let myself get started, I'm at it for hours and hours. Even when I resist, my concentration for studying is shot.

(But, I remember watching people, studying them like a clinical observer, ever since I was little. For that reason, I've been able to function pretty well in society. Some of my friends...get frustrated at me, when I get so absorbed in writing)

and topics they say I obsess about. I can't relate to gossip and I've never understood how to make small talk.

(Despite the fact I'm able to assimilate to the mainstream, I still find it exhausting and need a lot of time alone to recover. I've actually stopped assimilating as of late... )

Even when I think that I am, people still react to me the way that they always have and it just plain hurts too much. When someone comes along and tells me that I did this thing or that thing wrong, despite my best efforts and when I thought that I was doing all right, the bottom falls out of my reality. I just don't trust my perceptions well enough to tackle social interactions right now.

You are not alone. Welcome

Lex, getting a diagnoses can be beneficial. It didn't cost me anything, so there must be a way you could get tested without paying much or anything at all.

For me it has been for financial assistance, like myself. I 'finally' got SSI disability checks in 2001. I am saving more albeit slowly than I spend aside from helping out my parents... with food and other things they need and at times want.


Please don't mind me going off topic now.

Debbie, this may be helpful to you and even others...

You can use the [.quote][/quote] (do not put a . before the first tag) when you want to quote something someone said.

You can even put the member name (or the real name if you know it, but it's more logical to use one's membername, because many here recognize the names they see here on a daily or nearly daily basis)... [/quote="Tom_FL_MA"][/quote].


Here are examples:

Wow lex. Even though I'm only 15 years old I think I can relate to you more than anyone on this website. I'm not kidding either.
I hope I didn't freak you out
I would write so much more but I'm too tired to write a long post even though I LOVE writing and I read the same type of stuff like you do. Like enclopedias for example.
Nice to see you lex! Remember that you are not alone.

^ Doesn't freak me out at all.

Thanks for the replies! It's really, really nice to hear about other peoples' experiences and to be able to feel connected.

I wasn't even thinking ahead when I was talking about the diagnosis... I can definitely see why it would be beneficial, now that I think about it. Right now, I'm just trying to figure out stuff... I wasn't talking until I was two and my parents once told me that they took me to a psychologist at that point. It's made me wonder if I've already been diagnosed and they just didn't tell me. I don't know how, in any way, to go about asking. Some more things to figure out, I guess!

When my son was diagnosed, there was a person on the team that did the evaluation that had a very inflated opinion of himself. He said that my son would eventually plateau and be "functionally ret*d."

Jonah has above average intelligence, is very thoughtful and kind. Of course he has many of the same issues all of us experience, but the most difficult are those that he deals with as a result of abuse he received from neurotypicals. It seems so strange to see so called "normal" people mistreat people like Jonah over and over. I mean those of us on the autism spectrum are the ones considered to be impaired socially, yet Jonah would never treat others as he has been treated, I have striven never to treat others as I was, and I bet that most out here wouldn't treat others ways that they have been treated for the crime of being different. We all know how much it hurts and would not want to inflict that pain on another.

Anyway, what I've been leading up to is this: When Jonah was diagnosed, I didn't accept much of what was said about him. It didn't fit the child that I knew, and I figured that I knew him better than the evaluators, so I took from the evaluation what I could use to help him, obtain services, etc., and left the rest behind. If I had allowed the evaluation results, and particularly that persons comments regarding Jonah's prognosis, to take hold of me too much, maybe they would have become a self-fulfillig prophecy.

IMHO When people find that they received diagnoses as very young children, but were never told, my first thought is that the parents simply rejected the diagnosis. Some may go into complete denial that any of what they've been told could pertain to their child. Some do as Mike and I did and take what they can use to help their child and leave the rest behind. Unfortuantely their are also some that become so focused on the diagnosis that to them their child becomes that label and their view of their child's capabilities/potential are shaped by it. Let's face it there are as many possible reasons for anything as people in the world. Actually I think that a lot of the time things have no reason.

If you find that you did have a diagnosis so long ago and your parents never told you, I'm betting that they simply didn't believe it.

Asking isn't easy, but I encourage you to do so. Maybe you could just say, "All those years ago what kind of evaluation was done?"

Here's another route you could take:

If you had an evaluation, a report from it is probably somewhere in your medical files. Since you're an adult, you have a right to access/obtain those records without others being informed.