22 Dec 2006, 8:50 pm
hartzofspace
Supporting Member
Joined: 14 Apr 2005
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,138
Location: On the Road Less Traveled
22 Dec 2006, 10:27 pm
en_una_isla wrote:
Do you have a strong hold on your identity, and who you are? Do you always act like yourself, or do you feel pressure to fake it, and act in a way that will please others? Do you ever feel like you have lost track of who the "real you" is?
Yes. As I try to understand the wreckage of still another failed friendship, I realize that one of the reasons it failed, is because I felt terrified as more and more of who I perceived to be my "Core" seemed to dissolve, and become this other person. I found myself using her mannerisms, and even laughing like her. I have seen this countless times before, but not been able to take in how destructive it was to my sense of self. As I grew more and more restless, and defensive, the other person would become such an irritant that I had to distance myself for long periods of time to regroup. Of course most people won't be patient with that, at least in my experience, and most people I've met seem to have trouble respecting boundaries. When it was a love interest, and I'd withdraw, I put myself in danger of stalking or retaliation from the other person. Part of it was remembering when I was just myself, I got both verbally and physically attacked by others for being "weird." 
So, I became this chameleon who learned to take on the protective coloration of those I was with, so that they wouldn't spot the weirdness underneath. But of course it always shows. 
