Troubling thoughts...

Post Reply New Topic

Anyone else ever get this?
I guess I'll start with the possible reasons for my following rant,

I don't usually understand that I'm feeling hungry until the hunger pain is strong enough to feel through my whole body and by that time I just can't really will myself to eat or nothing is appetizing. Its kind of hard for me because I have (its been worse but its been getting better) image dysphoria to the point that when I saw myself I saw something completely different than everyone else did. Its annoying but its still probably the case.

The point is, I went through some major eating troubles last year that came close to killing me (sadly, because of my broad structure you wouldn't even be able to tell anyways) and I know logically I need to keep up my health not only for the sake of recovery but for cognitive skills because I use a lot of energy and when I'm lacking it my vision gets distorted, my thought patterns become more negative, ect, ect. I just really can't will myself to do it sometimes, because sometimes not always but sometimes I figure -

And beginning rant,
so what if I know I have AS/HFA, no one else gets it anyways, people wont understand, they wont listen, I wont explain it right. They don't get my theories, they frustrate me, they throw out my research and collections and data analysis because they have some f*****g PhD that somehow makes them mindreaders, or they cost fifty dollars a minute. So what if I know my problems, this doesn't enlighten anyone else?

So what if I 'know' things, if I have great insight and great intellect? People are s**t holes, they don't care, they want a nice body, they want a smile, they want to feel special and important, they don't care about rationality, about truth, about possibility, theory, ect. Not many anyways. They want BS I'm sick of trying to do, sick of f*****g pretending so I can gather information, so I can piece together interaction because all my life I've been doing this, I'm good at just about anything else I put my mind to or am interested in but social interaction is a huge part of how this world works and we NEED to communicate in one form or another - if I can't do this basic principle how am I going to get anywhere, I have to at least know some foundations, some basic damn cues and hints but I can't will myself to give a damn 80% of the time and the other 20 I just don't get it. Of course I came off like I had a personality disorder, what kind of six year old takes a character and learns everything about them so they can interact through them because they themselves cannot be personal. I cannot be personal and I've never been personal a day in my life. All my life I've stood from an observant and objective perspective. All my life, but do people get this? Not likely. Their answer, awe you're depressed here have some f*****g pills.

Oh that didn't work? Well crap here have some more drugs.

Is it any wonder I ran off when I was 12?

Other self angst and hatred can go here.

Anyways.. people I find are often damn well irritating. They want crap that I spent most of my life failing at, wrecking myself over because there could NO WAY be something that I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND!? No way, I had to know everything! Throwing everything away to f*****g understand the impossible - the irrational, s**t I don't get, s**t thats annoying and useless but the surroundings and observations say I need this knowlegde, this knowledge I don't know but I can't peice it together. Well f**k.

I guess it might also have to do with stress. I don't have a lot of money, I don't even really have the money to eat properly either not family or supports to back me up. I've been feeling more distant and useless than usual I suppose. I've been noticing a lot more things that I don't pick up on and just how "outdated" I am even if I am still young because of the seven years I spent in denial hell.

It could also be that I'm low on energy and thus my thoughts are much more negative.

Sorry for this.

I've dropped a lot of my past anger because I realized its not their fault that long ago there wasn't much information about High Functioning Autism and Aspergers but sometimes I still get angry that I wasted most of my life, that I could have done so much better if I was more smart, if others were more smart.


It wares off really quickly. My emotions are shallow and often fast to come and go but I'm forcing myself to write it out and keep it. I hate the idea it might make me seem vulnerable, weak, unknowledgable or stupid.

It does not make you seem weak, vulnerable, stupid or unknowledgable, it makes you seem human, which is what we all are, whether we like it or not, or feel like aliens.


With the eating... I have always felt hunger etc and understood it,but I did have an eating disorder for a decade on and off so I can get that part. Maybe the solution is, rather than going by hunger feelings, to have some kind of routine where you eat at a certain time each day so you know you are getting adequate nutrition? Not getting enough food can cartainly cause chaos with the mind and the moods, as you seem to have found.

As to the rest... there are people here who are managing to get through without having to change themselves into something to suit others. Why are you trying to mold yourself into what other people dictate is the right form? Hell, AS/Autism have been around for a long, long time, way before any diagnosis and all this medication crap, and they managed fine with being themselves before, I am sure...have you noticed that although the older generation here have struggled, they have come through and hell, quite a few even have spouses?

You might need a few skills to get work and such things, but as regards friends etc, my philosophy is if they cannot deal with me as I am, with no knobs attached, they aren't my kind of person anyway. You will wear yourself out perpetually trying to shape yourself into something you are not.

I am sorry your family isn't supportive and hope you manage to at least eat reasonably on what you have...is there no financial support to be had there? Not sure if you are USA or UK but we have support here in the UK.

I usually feel more mechanical than alien really, but this just goes with a theory I have. Its not as literal as it may seem because I am obviously not a machine but in term of 'alien' I've never 'felt' alien as alien are still flesh and bone and like humans likely have emotions and personal input where I would simply observe and work patterns and analysis into programming to apply and run which was always seemingly more mechanical to me rather than alien.




Indeed. I have this usually but it is hard to force myself to do something like this sometimes. I've gotten much better, I still like to think I'm incredible and need no such humanly things which is ret*d and of course I'm fully aware its irrational and illogical. Sometimes I figure maybe it would be easier being not so calculating or rational but this passes.



I'm not trying anymore. Its something I've done in the past that I am realizing now. When I sit down and wonder why did I do ____ this theory I have on myself comes in to play and makes sence. When I applied the theory into old situations it fit perfectly. When I connected the theory with my personality type, with my enneagram and with aspergers it was at home, a perfect fit. It completed the equation and definately brought balance and sense to my past after I worked through the MBTI, enneagram and I've been through other suspectable causes before I even heard of AS or gave it any thought. AS was my last idea, because of simple rule of deduction and behold it was the one that made what mess I saw become chaotic order rather than idiotic mayhem



Finally realizing this now. lol.
It took a whole lifetime.



There is but it is horribly minimal, I'm a little frustrated at my lack of schoolig too and the idea that I will have to borrow money assistance wise at some point in my life for furthering my education. I'm rather independent and this idea kills me.

geeze honey, you really need to eat something!


Merle

Don't be ashamed o frustrated about assistance for education... because in the end, that will help in enabling you to be more independent in the future if it helps you get a job.