Any other parents of an adult in their 20’s

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I wanted to connect with other parents of adults I have a daughter in her mid 20’s
Who was living on her own in another state and was having trouble keeping a job. She cannot drive and relies on uber and the bus. I felt the time she has lived out of the house has allowed me to finally relax a bit and since covid she has been living back with us with no end in sight. She has nothing to go back to when this is over. She goes into my husbands office and does some paperwork for another employee several times a week. At my stage of life I want a new chapter so now I am overwhelmed with no idea of what to do with her and where she can make a life for herself. Can anyone relate to this?

dd crashed at uni, at 20, a lot of events followed,
it took several years to get back out of the depts, when she was back on track then the quarantine-shutdown happened, she's managing alright now, but the work is wonky, and the perks of unemployed are gone

the big step forward was getting a social worker (giving access to all kinds of occupational activities/sports) and therapy,
you have to happen to stumble on a sympathetic socworker, several times (years) everything was refused at the gates

I'm going to ramble quite a bit here but I hope that hidden somewhere in all that you can find something of use.

Details are going to vary by family but because of all that is going on in the world right now life is turned upside down for pretty much everyone. Our family has chosen to roll with it and let both our adult children figure out where they need to be and what they need to be doing. I do get antsy for them at times, but long run they both do want to have successful adult lives and during the periods they seem to give up I remind myself to trust that they won't give up for too long. Do you feel you can develop that trust, that this isn't going to turn into a permanent situation? For me that is what makes the difference, how I feel about the unknown future.

I have one NT child at home who is still in college who ended up dropping all her classes in the spring because the transfer to on-line classes was soul crushing. We could see the negative effects on her and supported her decision. She also choose not to return to her part time job when they re-opened because she didn't feel it was safe enough given our (her parent's) ages. She spent the summer not doing much, but did take up some gardening and does bake for us on occasion. She is now back in school, on-line again, but fall classes are being conducted MUCH better than the spring ones were, and she seems to be putting herself back on track. I do expect life to always be a bit of fits and starts for her, but she is aware of the possibility and extremely frugal financially. While she was working part time she saved quite a nest egg and started a 401K. So while I worry about her emotionally, I do think she is figuring things out and finding a balance that can work for her. I don't expect her to be living with us forever, so I'm trying to enjoy that for now we still have her.

My older ASD child moved back after graduating college and was taking his time looking for a career job. He got frustrated and, honestly, we got frustrated. He didn't seem to be eager to continue to engage in the process. That did worry me, but at the same time I pushed more and more family chores onto him (shopping and cooking) and let myself enjoy that little break. He is much more responsive than my daughter is to my requests, so that was nice. He also was very vocal about being eager to move on and away, so while I was worried about his actually following through, at least I knew he wasn't feeling comfortable and settled. Once the pandemic hit he was offered some tutoring work and that started to fill up his time. It's really more of a student summer job than a career job, but he LIKES it and started to realize that maybe the reason job hunting was so hard was that he was looking for the wrong career. He isn't working full time, but he's extremely frugal and earning enough to be in the process of moving out of state with his girlfriend. We've discussed the numbers and how much he's saved this summer and it seems it will work. He is now trying a whole new direction for career job applications. He moved out of our house a few weeks ago as part of the transition and I already miss him despite knowing it really was "time." We did allow ourselves to enjoy having him home because, again, despite a few concerns, we never felt like it was going to extend into an eternity.

This pandemic has thrown everyone off, and many adult children have returned home. The first week of shelter in place taught us to set up some family boundaries FAST. Once we started to treat 9-5 as work day time, where EVERYONE had to duck into their designated corners and not engage in potentially distracting activities, it got MUCH better for all of us. I know other families have struggled much more, but I do think one key is deciding together what life needs to look like for the family during this time. Evenings we find a show or movie to all watch together before breaking away into our zones again. You have to all be on the same page as to the balance of togetherness v privacy.

I think one thing I suggest you try doing is to remove the idea from your mind that YOU have to do ANYTHING for her beyond offer her shelter, food and company. She is an ADULT, and figuring out her life and her next steps are HER responsibility, not yours. My adult children have made it clear to me in no uncertain terms that that is how they want to be treated. They don't WANT me trying to solve their problems. We help when asked or needed, and they don't ask often. They think out loud a lot, but prefer we not give all that much input. It is a lot less stress and worry for me to approach their lives from that angle, too. I don't have to know what their next steps are, I just have to know they feel some ownership of their lives and are doing something to figure it out. Letting go can be scary, and of course we worry about their futures, but there is too much going on in the world right now to assume ownership of issues that aren't really ours to start with. Using that approach, and knowing the whole world is on hold, I let myself be glad to have their company for a little bit longer than expected.

When our daughter was younger we almost despaired of her ever being able to function on her own. However, we have worked and she has responded slowly to developing improved life skills. Some might call it developmental delay.

She still needs to have tasks spelled out specifically and anything too broad in scope or too far in advance will often be forgotten or overlooked. She does well with a routine and can handle change when introduced slowly.

Since we are older parents, we are concerned that she may never achieve what would be called independent living. We would like to find a husband for her that would be kind and able to care for her and her limitations. Her IQ is 115 so she in not limited in that way. Her older brother can care for her as a backup plan.

If one looks at society historically, the modern view of college life and independent living is rather monolithic and of relatively recent historical occurrence. Most often historically people have worked within families and those who had greater dependence could be more easily be accommodated.

It is a shame that Christianity is so rapidly disappearing as it was often the best social construct for families and for those less able to survive independently.

I would really be worried if I felt that my daughter's fate rested solely in the hands of government agencies and programs.

Thanks for the replies keep them coming.
Be happy your son has a girlfriend and the strong desire to leave.
My daughter has never been in a relationship. She had a guy interested in her and she couldn’t handle it. The fact she can’t drive after many driving lessons is a big problem. She throws out living in a large city but has no real plan on how to accomplish this. I have this week started charging her a modest fee for room and board so she gets the idea she needs to pay bills. I also put out a cleaning list since she was only helping with things when asked instead of just doing it.
I can’t help but feel resentment about all of this Even if covid has not occurred I feel she would have been back at some point in future When I have joined parent groups of high functioning adults
I never got anything out of them. Just a bunch of depressed stressed out parents like me