It's Here Again

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The conviction that life sucks and there is really no reason to hang around. Every day I have to make an agreement with myself that I will go on, because I don't want to hurt my family. But they don't really care about me, never call, and never return calls. It is getting more difficult to hang on. It seems like I always have to be there for others, but there is nobody there for me. Lots of physical challenges have robbed my zest for living. All doctors can do is push drugs.

oh, like every day!

at least you HAVE family that don't call. All my family are dead, almost ten years now. My daughter was taken from me at birth and I have never found her after looking all these years. I only go to work at a job I am so thoroughly bored at so I can eat and sleep in my own space and keep my kitty. I have this big 'kick me' sign that is visible mostly to landlords and used car dealers. I got letters from the IRS I am afraid to open and other than a few folks right here on WP missing me, no one will even know if I pass away. I would not mention my AS to a doctor, Hartz. .. last time I mentioned anything they put me on a drug that was hell to get off of.


but here I am. Its the body it'self that doesn't want to cark it, that's all.

Its funny, the assumption that if one has "family" that they will care. I'm in a situation with them that my mother has turned everyone against me, by spreading dirt about me. So they basically have voted me out of the family. Like you, Merle, if I died, they wouldn't even know unless it got on the news somehow. I know that they exist, but they go on their merry way, celebrating birthdays, holidays, etc. while carefully excluding me. It hurts unbearably, since it was just two years ago that they were including me. The illusion that the word Family invokes is what is causing all the pain. I have lots to be grateful for, but to have your own flesh and blood turn their backs on you, for no good reason, without hearing your side, is ghastly. As for mentioning AS to doctors, they have been pretty good about it. I see a psychologist for counseling, and she is trying to help me deal with this mourning phase I am going through about the family that I never really had. It hurts so much. It's like they ARE dead, because they are not the people I thought that they were. If I survive this, I guess I'll be stronger. I just have to decide if its worth it.

and after a while I realized my enthusiam for suicide did not extend to my body, who is strong and healthy and after a while I had a gruding respect for the thing.
I didn't want to committ murder of my body. It belonged in this physical plane that I didn't like. The dumb galoot didn't realize it was my minds prison, and surely wasn't responsible for me being born into it.
and it was going to exhaust its self eventually, anyway.

I don't feel like this all the time, but when I can feel like this it keeps me from just spinning my wheels thinking about suicide because of mental and emotional pain.

no matter how bad that pain can be. . oh, my I sing this song so heartfelt. . .

Jimmy Cliff - Many Rivers To Cross Lyrics

Many rivers to cross
But I can`t seem to find my way over
Wandering I am lost as I travel along
The white cliffs of Dover
Many rivers to cross and it`s only my will
That keeps me alive
I`ve been licked, washed up for years and
I merely survive because of my pride.

And this loneliness won`t leave me alone
It`s such a drag to be on your own
My family left me and they didn't say why
Well I guess I have to cry.
Many rivers to cross but just where to begin
I`m playing for time
There`ll be times I find myself thinking
Of committing some dreadful crime.

I`ve got many rivers to cross
But I can`t seem to find my way over
Wandering I am lost as I travel along
The white cliffs of Dover
Many rivers to cross and it`s only my will
That keeps me alive
I`ve been licked, washed up for years and,
I merely survive because of my pride.

Thanks for the lyrics. They are beautiful.

Just my mom and my son here...health problems myself that limit what I can accomplish some days...ex-husband who periodically feels the need to remind me how "screwed up" he thinks I am and how he wants our son to have a "normal" life, one that he thinks I am unable to provide for him and he "feels" he can.

Mom's been battling health troubles...trying to help her out...trying to keep up with my son. Not suicidal...(he$$ that would make some people far too happy in my case)...just weary anymore. Few hopes, not many dreams left...some days it's not bad, other days it's just existence.

I hope things improve with you soon!

Of course, Lars!


Hartzofspace, I didn't reply to this before because I didn't have anything to say except that I hope things improve with you soon. I should have PMed you with that then. Please PM me if you want to talk; Ana is the person who loves people telling of the disasters in their life!

Again, my name is Jason!

Hi, Merle!