I relapsed for the first time in 2 years

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My mom's friend treated me and my mom to a shopping spree in a village two counties from us. Unfortunately, most of the stores are closed, and it was made worse by the fact that my therapy appointment is also today. I had my first angry meltdown in 2 years, insulting my mom's friend and even pulling my mom's hair.

I was able to talk to my therapist afterwards, but it didn't change the fact that I f***ed up. I could have given my mom a stroke, because the one she had three years ago was caused by stress.

I don't know why I am still on this planet, as I have nothing to contribute; I can't get a job in this godawful economy, meaning that I live on SSI, and my mental health is in the way of everything like a huge zit on my forehead. I honestly wish there was a cure for depression, because it is making me a worse person than Hitler, Bin Laden, and Trump combined.

I really hate myself now, I just want it to stop...

Regarding employment, have you considered contacting your state's VR Services?

two years is a pretty long time

@AA, I am just more or less concerned about the fact that SSI is technically taxpayers' money, and I have heard other people saying bad things about disabled people being on SSI as a result, such as "they're not even trying" and "(insert ableist slur here) bucks". Not exactly something to be proud of...

And I did use VR services in the past, but most of the jobs they offer are full time, and one job I found on Indeed lets you work at home and pays decently, which turned too good to be true as it is a scam. I am trying to make money under the table by selling jewelry I make, so all is not lost.

@Enz, while that is true, I still wish I never got that angry. I am on Abilify to help me control my anger, but this is the first time it failed to prevent such a catastrophe. Sometimes I can't help but feel regret towards my actions, even if they were circumstances beyond my control.