Regrets

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My biggest regret was not knowing I was autistic. I was always looking for answers, trying to fit in, asking people how they know things that seemed so evident to them, wondering what was wrong with me having meltdowns or how easily I can destabilize if my things are messed up, and howwwwww much I have been gaslit. I also never learned boundaries because I was informally dependent on others, so I had to believe them and accept what they were telling me. This would wreck periods of my life when associated to selfish or harmful people. In fact, despite over a decade seeking mental health services and being misdiagnosed, it was a relationship therapist that practically told me I was autistic. I guess she would see a lot of us since we probably have similar issues with boundaries and social matters. Once I found out, I started reviewing my life and I realized that nothing that I thought was real was real. I still don't know what is or was real. When people tell me things, I pretend to get it. Then I spend days wondering what I'm missing. What's real? What do they mean? What's the secret purpose of the message? Is their report/assessment of what is occurring real or are they lying to me? Can I have an opinion or will they get mad at me? If I say something, will they blatantly just tell me I'm wrong because I am or will someone finally tell me in words what I need to understand? "The reason we take 15 mins to leave is because..." I don't know what is anything. Anyway, that was out of my control.

Personal control...I really don't know. I have so much confusion with that. Sometimes it's signing up for certain duties. I really appreciated the training, discipline, most of the experiences, understanding, inclusion, support, and belonging, but I didn't like the ultimate outcome of the job. The personal consequences of the job were pretty devastating in certain ways. Sometimes I look at others wondering what life would be like if I never did that. Would I look and walk like they do? Seem to know all the cultural norms they do? It's pretty confusing. Also, by completing this, a LOTTTTT of people refused to even acknowledge I had any neurological difficulties. Sometimes, my biggest regret is the career I chose. I jumped into the pit with the NTs, and they can be savages with social games. I wish I would have gone computers, engineering, or theoretical science...sometimes I wish I would have been a pilot despite my fear of flying. Sometimes, I wish I would never have tried seeking mental health services. A lot of my major life issues seem to have started their trajectory when I began receiving mental health services.

I don't feel like writing a lengthy serious list of regrets so here is my petty regret. I wish I have proofread my username when making my account. It's supposed to be "ArcticVixen." Maybe it would've helped if I have visited Arctic Circle as often since I rarely use that word...