How to date

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This is a repost from Reddit because nobody replied, also sorry it’s long :

So I'm 18.. I've gone on dating apps and stuff and I'm not unattractive I guess because I get a lot of people swipe up on my profile. However I don't know if it's because I'm too picky or something, Im attracted to people's minds, like sure I can think they're cute or something but i don't care much at all. I ended up talking to this guy for a few days and enjoyed it but I sort of mirror them and then put myself into the friendzone on accident? If I didn't mirror them I worry that I come off too dry, too intense or too "errm acktually "(because that's how I am lol) to be fair, I haven't really ever gotten along with my age group well but I don't want to go after older guys because then I think about like "gross why are you talking to an 18 year old as like a 22 year old" though the age gap is small the experience difference is there.

I don't really like doing dating s**t online because I'm more genuine to my nature in person. I just can't talk to people in person though(if that makes sense).. in my mind dating is like an elevator pitch: sell yourself to them within a short period of time then do the deeper stuff later. But if I can hardly walk up to someone how am I going to elevator pitch myself + not be disingenuous to myself?

Do I just go to conventions like idk what I'm doing.. save it for when I'm older and working a big girl job(because then I'll be able to go slower). I just feel like I'm falling behind, all of my friends have had boyfriends and it's like they're in a club away from me.

Hurting my chances more now I don't see a point in short term relationships so if I feel like the other party is just there for a good time not a long time I'm leaving.. what's the point of dating if you don't intend on marrying someone. Just be friends at that point.

Married autists and women successful in dating who have been in a similar situation as me: what do I do? I don't want to be alone forever

Day program! !!

That is how I met my partner!

I'm not sure the experience gap is always as wide as you're assuming. If someone strikes your fancy, filtering them out over an assumption might mean missing out on someone who's actually compatible.

Ask in the archeology sub section.

You're only 18 (I think). You must know a few guys you find attractive. Choose one and ask him if he wants to go on a walk. Ask him things about himself that you don't know, and talk to him about yourself. If he doesn't have a girlfriend, he probably wants one.

I guess when I was young I met prospective partners by asking them questions about themselves. If they were attracted to me, I didn't need to sell myself to them, just show interest.

Hello 3uhuu3,

As a dad of 3 my advise will most certainly be dated but for what it's worth: different leagues, age-gaps, ... etc should not matter, if you vibe, you vibe. period
and never be afraid to show your true self, going along and mirroring because they might loose interest. I almost lost my marriage because of me doing this, so definitely not recommend. Follow you preferences and stay engaged socially in your hobbies/topics that interest you and the people you find sharing these interests can be/become if not potential partners, at least people you share an interest and a friendly conversation with.

Kind regards,
Kada

At the risk of repeating myself, you must have male acquaintances you find attractive. Could you imagine yourself in a relationship with any of them? Probably not because you may have known those people for years and never thought of them "that way". But on this site you will often see people advise others to become friends with prospective romantic partners before dating them. You could try reaching out to such a person. I would recommend a walk in a park or similar environment and just having a "getting to know you better " conversation. This should be much easier than sitting across a table from someone and interviewing them.

I would want to know how you feel about intimacy. Are you ace? Would you want to make out with somebody without a long-term commitment? For most people your age, I think the making out usually comes before the long-term commitment.

In your OP you seem to suggest that you don't see any point to dating someone you don't consider a marriage prospect. That is really sort of extreme at your age. You don't need to marry the first guy who gets to see you naked. You have a few years to explore and find out what works for you (for which having some experience definitely helps).

If you are in fact asexual you should say so because your objectives will then be different.

Hey girl! First of all: you're 18 years old, which is a fantastic age to go and explore who you are. What are your values, your wishes, your boundaries, etc? You seem to already know what kind of relationship you don't want, which is great.
Don't feel pressured into having a relationship because your friends are in one.

If you do meet someone who you feel a connection with, do ask them something simple, like going out for a coffee or a walk or to a gallery, depending on your interests. Nothing too intense, nothing too long. If things go well, you can always go for a longer date another time. This way, there's not so much pressure on either of you, as you're 'just meeting for a cuppa'. Everyone likes to be asked questions, as it shows an interest. So: do ask questions, make sure that they're open questions, so you won't get just a 'yes' or a 'no'. If he's interested in you, he will ask you questions back.

Don't hurry finding someone, you're 18 and have seas - even oceans - of time.

Good luck!

Apps ruined dating online for everybody. Now, nobody can meet each other anymore unless there is a mutual match.

My first 2 "dates" with my first girlfriend consisted of the two of us sitting by a lake in Winter in my car and talking. At the end of the 2nd of these, she kissed me. It was then months before we saw each other again but that's a different story.

My first date with my wife was a visit to an art museum and we visited together and of course we talked but there was certainly no need to keep a continuous dialog going.

I think it helps tremendously if you and the other person can be side-by-side rather than facing each other like in a restaurant.

I would suggest that you not rule out a 22-year-old if you otherwise like the person and he does not behave in a manipulative or condescending manner.

Many autistic people have difficulty getting along with people who are too close to their age. So, up to a point at least, a relationship with a somewhat significant age gap might be your best bet.


Your aim, when first getting to know someone, should not be to make an "elevator pitch" but to find common ground and thereby create a basis for companionship. For example, try to find some fun activity you both enjoy. Or have conversations about shared values and goals.

You should aim for a possible friendship with the person, or at least a friendly acquaintanceship, before you even consider the person as a potential romantic partner. IMO a romantic relationship should be thought of as an advanced form of friendship.


If you're in college, look for student clubs on topics that interest you. If you are not in college, look on Meetup and Eventbrite for meetings and events devoted to activities or topics of interest to you.


You might gain some valuable experiences in short-term relationships. And, who knows, an initially short-term relationship might turn into a longterm relationship if the two of you like each other enough.

But if you personally are not comfortable with the idea of short-term erotic relationships, you should not feel obliged to engage in them.


That is certainly your right, if it is what you prefer. You don't owe sex or erotic activity to anyone.


Don't focus on looking for a romantic relationship. Instead, focus on finding potential friends who share your interests and/or values. Eventually you will likely find someone with whom you have enough in common, and whom you otherwise generally "vibe" with enough, that it naturally becomes more than just a friendship.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 29 Jul 2025, 12:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

This is an important point. When first getting to know another person, it is best not to focus too much or too directly on each other, but to focus more on shared activities and experiences.

Too much focus on each other from the get-go makes people feel put-on-the-spot, which is not fun at all.

Too many people in today's world approach dating like a mutual job interview -- with all of the stresses of a job interview. This is antithetical to the development of companionship and emotional intimacy, which require that people be at ease with each other.

Meeting single women is impossible for me. My brain is essentially wired backwards and I need to be able to get to know someone before talking to them. Generally, this involves interacting with them through participating in shared activities centered around common interests. Unfortunately, single women generally aren't interested or at least don't participate in things I'm interested in.

That is, indeed, the best way to get to know someone, IMO.


Here, you mentioned that you are a member of a church. Are there no single women in your church, nor any activities in which singles are encouraged to participate? (At least religious activities such as prayer and Bible study, if nothing else?) In any case, have you discussed your situation with your pastor, or with anyone else in a leading role in your church?

I'm sure there are single women at my church, there are just no viable ways to interact with them. After mass, everyone just leaves and there are no real social functions. There will be seminars or similar things given by the priests, but you just sit and listen to the talk. No real way to interact with anyone else there.

Hmmm. I'm aware that Catholic churches tend not to have as many social functions as most Protestant churches do. But I thought most Catholic churches had at least some social functions, e.g. bingo nights?

Anyhow, Googling, I found something called the National Catholic Singles Conference, which holds online events with a social aspect. I would suggest that you search for "Catholic singles" on Meetup and via Google, and see what else you find.