Should you have at least some drinks, drugs etc in life ?

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I know this sounds like a ridiculous question to ask but that's because I'm questioning myself for not doing much of certain things when people are younger. I've said before about "missing" on not having lots of wild partying, sex and drinking that some people in their late teens/early 20s do, it feels as though if you don't do much of that stuff before you are older then you will end up regretting it and that if you did it later, it wouldn't be much enjoyment anymore because people have matured, got married and had kids etc.

The thing is with me I've never wanted to take drugs or get drunk to have a good time. Even when I was a bit younger I felt like I was mature for my age at the time. I seem to think I gained more confidence and doing enjoyable things in my late 20s/early 30s, like travelling abroad, passing my driving test, wanting to say yes to going somewhere. All this was going on, while some people of the same age at met long term partners and starting to get married and I wasn't at the same stage as them. Even now I seem to feel I'm trying to make up for time lost especially during the pandemic.

I've never been drunk or high either. Those substances are only used by people for two reasons; peer pressure OR escapism.

It's quite remarkable that I don't revolve my life around drink or drugs, being how high my anxiety levels are and the way my brain tortures me with worries and emotions such as guilt, embarrassment, sadness, or vulnerability. But I'm scared to abuse my body in ways that affect the brain in case it gives me early onset Alzheimer's or something. It might be due to a past of having a diagnosis of Asperger's in an era of strong beliefs about vaccines causing autism and even once being in a situation where I was exempt from having a vaccination for Meningitis because the school nurse thought it might "make my Asperger's worse". That frightened the s**t out of me. I'm not a believer of vaccines causing autism or anything but I am still cautious of what I put into my body in case it damages my brain.

But yes, I do feel alone in this society, because to me it feels like I'm surrounded by alcoholics and drug-obsessed addicts - even though I know that most people aren't that extreme but to someone so "clean" and "dry" like me it can feel that way sometimes. Wherever I go people talk about alcohol and when the next time they're going to get drunk is, or they talk about weed. I hate it all. It's like being teetotal is as much of a social problem as being an alcoholic is.

When you enter adulthood it seems to be expected to include alcohol in almost any social activity you participate in, and if not then it's "immature". For example, if you're like 20 and you go to the carnival funfair with your friends, you're considered too old to hang out at funfairs with friends - unless you are hanging around the beer tent. Or if you're hanging around in town in a group on a Saturday afternoon, you might be considered "immature" unless you are on your way to a pub for some social drinks. If you're not drinking alcohol when hanging out with your friends in town as an adult, then you're being immature.

It's just the way this culture works and I hate it. It makes me feel more alien than what my AS or ADHD ever has done. It's probably why my sister has more friends than me, because she's considered fun, as she likes to get drunk when she goes out and has weed. But I find drunk people scary, in an uncanny valley way. I've never been in a drunken state before so I don't know how it feels to be drunk, the type of drunk where you lose all your empathy and behave like a jerk. Why do people find that so appealing?

I have tried to drink before, but after the first glass I felt bloated and nauseous and couldn't have any more. This can be traumatic for someone with Emetophobia (I have a phobia of being sick), and so that's another reason why I avoid alcohol like the plague, unless it's just a bit of wine with Christmas dinner or something.

No. I don't think anybody should drink or do drugs at all at any point in their lives. It's literally poison. It's illegal for a good reason. And I'd say it's better, for your health and your arrest record, to have never done such things. Tamaya's right - the reason people use those substances is peer pressure or escapism, though I would also add "teenage rebellion" to that list. I'm proud to say that I've never consumed alcohol, done drugs, had sex or smoked.


I'd say I'm in the same boat as you. It's truly unfortunate that drinking - imbibing a substance that causes loss of inhibition, impairs judgement and majorly changes your personality and behavior - has become a cultural norm. I just can't fathom how that could be fun or how any sensible person could think it's a good idea.
I've also run into similar social difficulties simply because I don't drink and don't like being around people that are drinking (I find them disturbing in an uncanny valley way too, like a stranger is wearing their face...). It's become a point of contention between one of my siblings and I twice now, resulting in us cancelling hangouts and not speaking for a while. It's not like I ask them not to drink at all, just not to do so around me or just not invite me if they plan on drinking because they know how I feel about it. But they also seem to have adopted the general lack of consideration for those that don't drink that seems to plague those that do. They didn't drink when they were younger and rarely did so even after turning 21, but in the last few years they seem to have started drinking more and it does seem to be related to peer pressure. I've only met one person in real life than feels exactly this same way regarding alcohol as I do and they've experienced similar social difficulties as well.

Yeah, it seems that even people on the spectrum who get drunk or do weed seem to have more friends than those who don't.

The way I see it, there seems to be two types of (high-functioning) ASDers; those who are shut-ins and those who have friends and frequently go out to bars and gigs. And 9 times out of 10, the latter also drink alcohol and smoke weed or do other stupid drugs.

Unfortunately I was the stereotypical shut-in when I was a teenager/young adult. I had a a few friends that I made at my volunteering job, but I only saw them in the day, and usually at the volunteering job (though one of them I met almost every day and went back to her house, as we were job hunting together, but she was a lot older than me and so her drinking/partying days were over). Otherwise, every Friday and Saturday evening, I was at home in my room. It just felt safe being home at night.

So I was sociable, just not in bars or pubs or gigs. But other people my age seemed to prefer to be socialising at night.
I remember when I was about 21 I went out to a pub with my brother and his friends one Friday evening. But I felt really self-conscious in the pub and just wanted to go home. I stayed for as long as I could endure, just had a couple of glasses of coke or lemonade, and then at about 9.30 I said I'd leave. I mean, fancy that - I bet I was the only 21-year-old in the world who went out to a pub on a Friday evening and came home early and SOBER. I felt depressed about that for years, even though it was my choice but it still made me feel like a weirdo for some reason.

Having emetophobia can also prevent you from enjoying a few drinks. People tell me that "having one or two" won't make me sick, but I'm still not convinced. I remember when I was about 18 I stayed in a caravan by the sea with my dad and his family, and we went out to the clubhouse one of the nights. I obligingly had one alcoholic drink, but when we got back to the caravan and went to bed I felt sick and my stomach kept churning and I felt really bloated.

That wasn't the first time that happened after having one or two alcoholic drinks, so that's why I don't drink any alcohol any more. I feel safe that way.

I'd say I also qualify as the former. I'd much rather be at my house on my computer, playing video games, reading, drawing, making clothes, etc. than out at a bar or social gathering. Parties and pubs are very much not for me. That said, I am very much a night owl so while I may not like the night life, I do very much like the night time. I live in a very quiet town practically in the middle of nowhere so it's pretty safe to go for a walk in the middle of the night. The most that ever happens is a cop stopping to check my ID to make sure I'm old enough to be out so late. The most in-person socializing I've done at night was when I was dating, which consisted entirely of either sitting in a restaurant talking, talking while shopping for groceries or talking while taking a walk (I know 50% of people probably wouldn't even consider that dating since there was never physical contact...). My ex is that one person that shared my thoughts regarding alcohol that I mentioned.

If it helps, you're not the only one with that sort of experience. My ex and I went to a bar all the way in the city exactly once because there was supposed to be an event held there he was interested in and insisted I come too. We went in, ordered water, sat there far away from anybody else for about ten minutes, hated all ten of those minutes, found out the event had been cancelled, then immediately left. We found a nice ihop on the drive back home and ate waffles instead. The funny part is the event actually had nothing to do with the bar, it just happened to be the venue.

I get it. I can't even stand the smell. Just the scent of alcoholic drinks is enough to make me gag.

I just get really self-conscious in bars. In the bars I've always gone in before there seemed to be loads of judgemental young people, like really pretty girls, and I felt like they were picking up on my social anxiety. Also I was advised not to make eye contact with any drunk people, especially aggressive drunk girls, on our way to the bus stop when going home, otherwise they could set upon you. I didn't like that environment. There were loads of girls in short skirts in the high street, arguing and swearing with other people. They seemed more frightening than the guys.

In the bar a girl from work was in there and she was drunk and was all over me, and touching me inappropriately even though she's straight. I felt a bit uncomfortable because other people who knew of us were in there and might have thought we were dating or something and then rumours starting up. No, I'm not homophobic, but I am not gay and I didn't want false rumours to circulate. We both have boyfriends.
Then she unintentionally embarrassed me by pulling me outside while I was holding a glass of coke, and a bouncer at the door told me off for bringing a drink outside. I felt embarrassed, as there were other young people standing at the door smoking and they all looked at me as if to say "don't you ever go into bars? Don't you know the rule about bringing drinks outside? Duh!" This bar opened on to the street so I could see why they had this rule, but this girl was very overpowering.

Then I had to keep remembering to watch my drink, as it's common for drinks to get spiked in the city where I live, and I found that difficult. And this bar was so crowded, it was like sardines, and you had to wait ages to be served.

Not really the ideal place for a teetotal person with social anxiety. I think most bars are designed to only be appealing if you're intoxicated, so when you're not then you just feel like a perfectly sane person in a psychiatric unit. I was glad to get home.

I think if more young people were teetotal like me then less young people would really be interested in hanging out in bars at weekends, because that sort of environment can be intimidating to sober people even if they're NT and don't have social anxiety.

That sounds like one of the worst experiences you could have your first time somewhere. I'm sorry.
You've listed your location as England and, if I recall, the drinking age is lower there? 18? Here it's 21, so you don't really get teens at bars. Also, I can't really say for sure since I don't go to either and most of my understanding comes from media, but the kind of behavior and dress you're describing seems more in line with what's expected of a nightclub rather than a bar?

It would make sense for a bar to be designed that way. It's an establishment that revolves around drinking whose target client base are intoxicated people with impaired judgement. They make more profit designing their establishment to appeal to drunk people and encourage them to buy more drinks. They don't really make money off people that don't drink.

Yes, 18, although I think a lot of girls younger than 18 somehow get into many bars, probably because they cake loads of make-up on and just appear older.

It's funny how bars and nightclubs are supposed to be for adults yet there's a sort of immature vibe about them that I find.

When I was a kid I used to think that being drunk just made you dizzy and stumble about a bit. Maybe because my dad often went out to his local pub and came home drunk but was never scary or stupid when drunk, instead he's always just been calm and walks around like a zombie a bit and maybe slurs a bit and chats a bit more but he's still never been loud or mean or threatening when drunk.

My partner can get a bit obnoxious when drunk. He's made me cry a few times before and always says the most triggering things, such as telling me to "stop whining" when I'm trying to tell him that it's illegal to drive under the influence, and "grow up" when I'm feeling anxious of his drinking, and often shushes me when listening to a song from the annoying music he plays really loudly.
The thing is, I didn't even know he drank until two years into our relationship. He never drank one drop of beer whenever I stayed over, and it was only his daughter who told me that he drank, thinking I already knew, but I didn't.
Then I first started seeing him drunk for the first time when I moved in with him, 5 years into our relationship. Things go swimmingly when he's not drunk, but as soon as he's had a few beers his sweet self gets taken over by this drunken idiot.

I have a joke where I say that I live with two of him; Drunk and Sober. When he's sober I say that Drunk is locked in the cupboard. I say this because it is like living with two of him, as his personality changes when drunk.

nope! what goes up must come down

you'd get more out of a social hobby that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol

I'm not sure makeup is enough. Bars are supposed to check IDs.


When I was young I knew somebody that was normally mean, proud, manipulative and narcissistic. She never shed genuine tears and she was always more likely to get angry than to get sad. Then one day I found her sad and crying, real genuine tears, and I could smell the alcohol on her. It was disturbing. To see her so unlike herself. It doesn't really matter whether or not they're loud, mean or threatening. Just seeing somebody behaving so completely different is unsettling. It has that uncanny valley effect.


If it bothers you then you might want to try talking to him about it while he's sober? Not as a joke, but a serious conversation about your feelings.

I have done, many times. He knows how much it upsets me. But he's been drinking for a long time and likes a few drinks a couple of times a week or so, and is often persuaded by offers in the supermarket that sells large packs of beers for a good price. I do wish supermarkets wouldn't put alcohol on offer.
Then when the beers are in the fridge he has one after the other and doesn't know when to stop, simply because they're there.

that actually sounds like a serious drinking problem, if he can't stop. It might be better to recommend seeing a specialist, in that case.
Also, if he knows his behavior while drunk upsets you and does so anyway that's really inconsiderate of him. As your significant other he should care about your feelings and opinions and take them into consideration. At the very least he could not drink around you. It's not like there aren't other options.

Well he won't really admit that he has a problem, and I can't make him not drink. We live together. I love him and everything, it's just a shame he drinks. But he doesn't get drunk every day, sometimes about once or twice a week. Sometimes a few weeks can go by without him getting drunk. I do get that if they're there you're gonna have them, as I'm like that with sweets. If sweets are there then I'll have the whole lot and find it difficult to control myself. Imagine that with drink when you become too drunk to know when to stop. But at the same time, I don't like the things he says when drunk.

It often amazes me how people can have one drink after another. I mean if I had one lemonade after another I'd probably feel bloated and sick and not be able to have any more. I remember last summer I went to a party and had too much lemonade and felt really bloated and sick, I didn't know what to do. I felt like my stomach had no more room and I was terrified I was going to be sick. So I had to go home earlier than I wanted (it wasn't a drinking party, it was a daytime party with food and mostly non-alcoholic drink, so I was actually enjoying it there and didn't want to leave yet). But because of my emetophobia I was becoming anxious about being sick, and needed somewhere to lie down. I wasn't sick of course, just overindulged on food and drink.

Also my R-CPD makes it difficult to be comfortable after drinking too much soda drinks, as the air has nowhere to go except down, so it can make my chest feel like it's going to explode. I hate air.

I know you can't make him not drink, but there are other options besides drinking at home around you. You could ask him to drink at a friend's or at a designated drinking establishment instead. It might even cut down on his drinking since it'd be less convenient than doing so at home.

I can't really relate since I don't have that issue. I have, perhaps, the opposite problem? I have some sweets and other snacks in the house, but I don't eat them often because they're on a shelf in the kitchen so I tend to forget they're there (and I just don't drink soda or anything sugary at all). "Out of sight, out of mind", as the saying goes. Unfortunately, while it helps to keep me from bingeing snacks it can also lead to me just forgetting to eat in general if I'm busy. I get pretty hyper-focused so I may start working on a project or something and then look up to find that suddenly several hours have passed without my notice...

Why would I want to wreck my life even more with drugs and alcohol?

I've never been able to do that. Body needs distract me from what I'm trying to do and I can't focus until I have eaten/drank/been to the bathroom, etc.