No longer do I mourn for myself, as hard as things are

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TO start off I have an extremely troubled past which has driven me to despair completely the past two years. Then I met a girl. She couldn't relate. I wanted her to but she could show no empathy. That hurt. We broke up. This was all this summer, the most wonderful and worst time of my life at different points.

I would try to talk to my girlfriend about my pain and she couldn't handle it.

Suddenly I had an epiphany. Yesterday. The problem is not in others, its me. I wasn't just sad, I was sad THAT I was sad. And suddenly I realized what that is called: SELF PITY

I have wanted others to have sorrow for me. I wanted that utterly intimate connection with someone on that level.

I have been really messed up. But suddenly my perspective has done a 180. I don't need others to feel for me. I don't need them to completely understand who I am. I dont even. I can now take joy that others are happy. Why would I want someone else to hurt? And I think that is the first step in becoming focused on others. Yes I want to change the past, yes it hurts, but no I don't want others to have it or understand it even, that won't help me

Now I am feeling lonely and depressed again. And I want to talk to her again. But I want to talk to her BECAUSE I am lonely, not to talk ABOUT being lonely. Now I am ok with the fact that she doesn't understand me. She doesn't have to.

I wanted utter intimate connection with deep friends or my girlfriend. But God took away my desire rather than fulfilling it. I wanted him to change the situation, but instead he has changed my perception. Until he gives that to you, you have no idea such a perspective is possible

take any random person you know or could know who is going through hardship. You cannot be in complete understanding and pain for each one of them. And they do not, or should not, want you to feel pain for them. Likewise, I do not want others to feel it for me.

You may know someone and think, wow that person is awesome, they could be the most amazing friend ever. But until they actually do become that, your going to be loyal to someone who may not be as cool or fun, but who is still your friend.

I started a while back to write another lengthy letter trying to explain things. And I felt like I had a need to send it to her. But I decided it was not wise or necessary, even though I really felt this urge to. Not that it would make things better or help her understand, but because it would have been about me. About my analysis of things in my life. Not about other things outside myself.

I often have compared myself to Job in the Bible. I knew God was there, I knew he was good, but I still had to go through a phase of utter despair, before God comes out of the cloud and says, brace yourself like a man. Where were you when I created the heavens? Can you tame the wonders I have created? Who are you O man who comes to question me, it is I who shall question you.

And that is not to make Jobs feelings at the time ANY less legitimate. Because it was impossible for him to see things otherwise, because he can’t understand God, and God wouldn’t answer him. But finally God does answer him.

I certainly cannot guarantee that I won’t face another storm. But the difference is now that for the first time, I feel confident, and have braced myself like a man. But my ability to do that comes not from feelings but knowledge. Once a feeling is gone you forget it, because you don’t feel it anymore. Knowledge though, cannot be lost. And because my new situation comes from knowledge, knowledge God has given me which has led me to make an ACTIVE choice to stand like a man, and to weather the storm without complaining.

I don't feel guilty for complaining before because I didn't know how else to handle it other than self pity. I was blind. Now I can see. I knew it was not all about me and prayed that I might actually understand that, but did not for so long. Now I do.

The funny thing is, that I can still relate to those in self pity, in sorrow. I know what it is like. But know this: it is DECEPTION that leads you to that. Those who ask for pity, I indeed do still pity--but not for the sadness which leads to their self pity, but rather I pity them for having to feel selfpity. I am sorry some are blind. That is my empathy, and it is an empathy that finally recognizes the fact that empathy does not require a complete and utter wallowing with another.

I went through something similar myself recently. I felt a lot of disappointment in life about a lot of things; I was disappointed that I don't have any children, I was disappointed that I don't have a significant other, and I was also disappointed because I don't make much money. A friend of mine sent me an e-mail saying that the world does not owe me anything and that's absolutely true. I do believe that it is important to raise awareness about AS and the autism spectrum and I believe that reasonable accomodations should be made in the workplace and schools and colleges. It's still not easy, but a lot of my misery came about as a result of being overwhelmed with self-pity. I have to accept the fact that I probably won't have a traditional life in terms of spouse, kids, etc. but life is still worth living. I am been in the depths of despair before. A good book to read is "Still Me" by Christopher Reeve. Christopher Reeve died in 2004; he was best known for his role in the movie Superman. He became a quadraplegic after a tragic horseback riding accidient in 1995 at the age of 42. What impressed me the most was how he said that he learned that he needed to give when he wanted to take the most. He realized that if he gave in to anger and self-pity it would not have been fair to his wife and children.


Good things can come out of adversity. I feel that I am a much more accepting person of other people because of what I have been through. Wallowing in self-pity does make things a lot worse. Of course there will be hard times in life but the important thing is not to get stuck there. I think it is important to acknowledge another person's pain but it's also important to call them on it if they are just wallowing in self-pity.