Autism and challenges

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Hey my name's I was born autistic I am know 32 years old but I feel I missed out in teens during grade school and high school I had no friends very much and was alone till I moved back from Chicago to oak park I felt more comfortable there in high school but self isliated I was saying far behind mentally I didn't take advantage to make friends and get of the house dealing for years with a disfuntional family my step dad and mom I love my brothers and sisters but that caused to retreat into myself and even more that I have autism and through high school I didn't grow to later on in life in my 20s I isolated again I was working but my step dad and mom split lots drama and when was in my early 20s from 2013 to 2016 I didn't take care myself I didn't get new clothes hygiene not good and stress from my mom long story short I just had mental breakdown because I was so depressed at that time I felt like didn't matter know one wanted to know or be my friend at all even in my family and then went to th hospital and got into treatment and to get healthy again a year later and currently right know as 32 year old black autistic young man I am doing better but I am filled sometimes with regret I could went to college got girlfriends been more mature but I realize I was still emotionaly years ago off a child and not really matured to later I still like alot teen or child things tv shows movies anime and other things from my child . And so that's it just sharing my autistic experience here I know I am much and better know

Some of us take longer to mature.

The high school and college experience, particularly with regard to relationships, is rarely as good as you think it could have been, even for normal people.

Many recent graduates had their experiences blown up by the Covid years.

If it makes you feel any better my high school years sucked. I was an awkward teen. I had very few friends.

I spent most of my life too dysregulated, too irritated, too frustrated, and too angry to bother.

But then, I have zero social motivation to begin with. Only motivation I had was boredom and medicum of pleasure.

While I'm not mentally behind, I was stifled by things that could've been preventable if it weren't for ignorance of everyone around me when I was too young.

Nobody helped me because people around me kept blaming the autism.
That if I were neurotypical I'd probably manage those said preventable crap as if that helps.

If it weren't for those things, I would've able enjoyed a lot of things in my youth that I've been through -- I've been through many things even an autistic would very much enjoy, except I'm too dysregulated -- instead of only being able to enjoy starting at 28, when I got rid of one major hurdle that painstakingly took 20+ yeaes to get rid of.

When I was in highschool, I already burnt out.
Not from social expectations, not from any external pressure, but from sheer chronic dysregulation from whatever neglected crap people are too ignorant or helpless over.


When I turned 30 this year, I was happier.
Maybe happiest relative to the years I've gone through.
Because I finally had the power over the crap I was helpless from dysregulation muddling the experience from.

What stained my life experience and quality more of my life isn't autism.



But really.
If it's just my 'struggles with autism', it's largely ignorance of other people and the consequences that ran from that.
As an adult, I had to undo all that crap. It's frustrating, really -- someone else's mistakes and f*** up, price I paid and my responsibility.

But if it's really 'just autism', it's mostly translating nonverbal thought into words had always felt abrasive in my head.
My current habits around it do not help. I need a speech and language pathologist. Or at least an upgrade for whatever language processor I have in my head.

But if it's something I don't like for 'having autism', it's the fact that what one gets depends on what they negotiate -- not what they can give regardless of actual value.
It is why I hate "empathy", why I hate "words". The former is a dysregulated crap that can be exploited, the latter is an unreliable thing to go from.

Even IF I can very afford living like a more dependent and disabled person, I hate being at mercy of whoever's kindness and wanted more than to take my own destiny into my own hands.

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Djdub1, Welcome to WP! I hope that wandering around here helps you feel better.